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No need to stay with your husband, especially if you don't love him. Considering his past actions toward you and the good possibility of future abuse, there is no reason at all for you to stay with him. It's not right that you have to talk yourself into (or pray to God to make you start) loving someone. You have free will. Use it, leave him, and go be happy.
No need to stay with your husband, especially if you don't love him. Considering his past actions toward you and the good possibility of future abuse, there is no reason at all for you to stay with him. It's not right that you have to talk yourself into (or pray to God to make you start) loving someone. You have free will. Use it, leave him, and go be happy.
But if he has truly changed.....is there hope that Love can be rebuilt?
And if I left and something terrible happened to him....could I then live with myself and the consequences of MY actions.
My sister said today "I think he lost you last year.....I think he's blown it"
She is a strong Christian herself, she knows the whole situation. "Yes I have seen a change in him" she has said about my husband. "But I think its just too late".
The other guy - well, he and I had all the ingredients and when the Chemical explosion happened which resulted in that 'falling in love' experience.....well, call it Chemical and Romantic or Physical...but it did happen. At the point when ny heart LEFT my husband....it went somewhere new.
Then hubby changes.........a miracle happens.....yes, I do beleive he has changed.....seen many ingenuine changes in the past, but I believe that this time...HE has seen the light. Well, that is great......but the sad thing is...................is it too late.
Flaming hec............I just wanted him to change ALL these years! When he does....its just that little bit too late......because of this other guy! A lot of people would say......forget about that other guy. YOU ARE MARRIED!!! But, something happened to me last year....,something deep and I just don't FEEL married any more.
Like I said....Physical, Spiritual, Psychological??? But something profound changed in me.
Yet you are still with your husband and still making excuses and justifying his "changes" 7 months later. I do hope you actually read this entire thread from start to finish and see what I and many others see in your words.
Good luck.
But if he has truly changed.....is there hope that Love can be rebuilt?
And if I left and something terrible happened to him....could I then live with myself and the consequences of MY actions.
My sister said today "I think he lost you last year.....I think he's blown it"
She is a strong Christian herself, she knows the whole situation. "Yes I have seen a change in him" she has said about my husband. "But I think its just too late".
The other guy - well, he and I had all the ingredients and when the Chemical explosion happened which resulted in that 'falling in love' experience.....well, call it Chemical and Romantic or Physical...but it did happen. At the point when ny heart LEFT my husband....it went somewhere new.
Then hubby changes.........a miracle happens.....yes, I do beleive he has changed.....seen many ingenuine changes in the past, but I believe that this time...HE has seen the light. Well, that is great......but the sad thing is...................is it too late.
Flaming hec............I just wanted him to change ALL these years! When he does....its just that little bit too late......because of this other guy! A lot of people would say......forget about that other guy. YOU ARE MARRIED!!! But, something happened to me last year....,something deep and I just don't FEEL married any more.
Like I said....Physical, Spiritual, Psychological??? But something profound changed in me.
I can only answer based on my experiences with my ex and how I see you struggling with your decisions. I am all for marriage and making it work, but not in a situation like this.
is there hope that Love can be rebuilt? I doubt it. Once all feelings have left the building and you are "free", it's hard to go back.
And if I left and something terrible happened to him....could I then live with myself and the consequences of MY actions. Yep, I know that feeling. You have to realize he is a grown man and left childhood behind a long time ago. He is responsible for his actions. You can't live your life saving him from himself. That is completely unfair to you. I left my ex almost a year ago, and one of the things that I hated was that even if I didn't want to go out to a bar/party with him, I always went anyway. I knew he would drive drunk, and he already had a DUI from when I left him at a previous time. So I went with him and took the keys/sometimes stole the keys to keep him from driving. He still tries sometimes to convince me to come back, and has said that he quit drinking and got help. Well, on October 1st I found out that he got arrested again for DUI (5 counts, the most serious is BAC over 0.2), and he also assaulted a police offer and broke the officer's nose and cheek bone. I am sooooo thankful I don't have to be there to clean that mess up again (this isn't his first arrest for assault). There's a saying....Let go, Let God. I just remind myself of that. There's another saying that goes something like, "Surround yourself with trash, and you'll start to smell like s***". Don't let HIS actions bring YOU down.
"But I think its just too late". She's your sister and knows you better than anyone on this forum could. Even she says it's too late. Your family usually wants the best for you.
At the point when ny heart LEFT my husband....it went somewhere new. Your heart probably went somewhere new because new guy treats you nicely and doesn't have a history of abusive behavior toward you. IMO it's your mind saying, "Hey, you're supposed to be treated with respect! You like this feeling of value in a man's eyes...this is how it's supposed to be! It didn't feel good living with hubby when he treated you like dirt. Pay attention!".
but the sad thing is...................is it too late. You're struggling over this, and I understand. Divorce is hard and you've been with him a long time. You know him, and it's easier to stay than to go. If that wasn't true, you would have probably been gone a long time ago. The longer you stay away from him and live your life independently, the easier it gets. It took me almost a year to completely let go. Now I'm over him and it's like all that time with my ex is just a distant memory. I'm a completely different person now, and it's for the better. I still have to talk to him now and then for the divorce, but I don't feel like crying anymore when I hang up the phone. I just feel like it's one more thing to check off my to do list that day.
I just don't FEEL married any more. You said it yourself. You can't force love, and after what you've been through with him, I'm not at all surprised you don't feel that attachment to him. I don't think you should live your life forcing yourself to pretend to be in this fictitious happy marriage. Your kids deserve the best version of you, and it's hard to do that if you're playing pretend and are unhappy inside. Even if your husband has truly changed (I have my doubts about that), are you just supposed to forget every instance he made you feel worthless, humiliated, or hurt? And your daughter sees that and then thinks it's ok that daddy was a jerk to mummy, so she stays in a similar relationship?
This is just a forum and we just give our opinions and support when needed. The ultimate decision is yours, but I can't help but feel like you are reaching out and wanting to hear that you should send him packing. If you want to hear that it's ok to get divorced, well then, it's ok. I needed hand holding from my family right after I left, but now I feel invincible and stronger/happier/better than ever. I understand the whole cycle of breaking up/making up, because Lord knows I've been through that. I'm on the other side of it now, and it feels so good to not have to worry about all the drama and hurt. I'm single and happy. I could date and be happy. I can do whatever the heck I want and be happy because this dark cloud of drama is 2,000 miles away and I never ever ever have to be obliged to it again. I forgive him and wish him well in his life, and the rest is up to him and God how his life plays out. I'd bet that if you gave yourself significant time away from your husband with no/very limited contact, then you would wonder what took you so long to get out and live. My advice is don't leave for the other guy, leave for yourself and your children. Other guy can be part of your new life, but don't make him the reason. Sorry if I use my experience as a way to give you advice, I'm not trying to sound like a know it all, just trying relate and help out. Good luck and stay safe.
Last edited by boolouwho; 10-24-2012 at 11:47 PM..
Flaming hec............I just wanted him to change ALL these years! When he does....its just that little bit too late......because of this other guy! A lot of people would say......forget about that other guy. YOU ARE MARRIED!!! But, something happened to me last year....,something deep and I just don't FEEL married any more.
Like I said....Physical, Spiritual, Psychological??? But something profound changed in me.
These words are very profound jenna. They show you have an insight, you just don't fully understand it at the moment because you are caught up in his changes.
As an abused woman I can relate to much of your story. One of the problems with love is that is a precarious and delicate thing. Years of not having it nurtured cause it to die. The person who is abusing and manipulating can hold on to power and control and love doesn't even really have to enter the picture at all, but you, the person who loves deeply, can feel it weaken and wane.
You won't fall back in love with him, the damage has been done. Please leave him jenna. It will be hard at first, you'll feel guilty, but you will recover and find your true happiness. It isn't with him that's for sure. If you stay you will grow to despise him, you will be angry that he has taken your love and stepped on it, you will come to hate everything about him. It's just a matter of time.
I am in a similar situation Jenna except it's 10 years for me and I have a toddler. It's been almost a month since I was about to divorce my husband. You can read my thread on him. It's weird, but it's so easy to read yours and see that I am not blind or senseless when I read yours. "If that was me, I would leave already." But I am in a similar situation and I haven't left yet. I keep making excuses. My husband is also being nice to me again. I tell myself that this isn't going to last, but yet I still haven't left. What gives? I keep giving him excuses. I don't have a place to go and that's my excuse right now, but I can find a place if I really, really wanted to leave. Why haven't I left? Is it because I feel comfortable again? My thoughts are, he's nice to me now, so it's okay even though I know it's not okay. He recently surprised me with flowers after all these years. I didn't have the same reaction as normal when I get flowers because flowers usually makes me very happy. Why? He ruined it once when he said why would he give me (the b*tch*) flowers? That's all I remember.
Reading your story just shows how weak I am because I haven't left yet. Thanks for posting it because it's telling me something.
If he hasn't changed, you'll see that soon enough, and you'd be doing yourself a favor by leaving.
But if has changed, you'll see that soon enough, and you'll be doing yourself and him a favor by leaving.
If you don't love him anymore, you don't love him anymore. No one in his or her right mind could blame you if you don't. But don't stay with him if you don't love him. That is not fair to anyone.
One thing that I think you're failing to see is that you changed too. The question you need to answer is do you really want to change back to what you were? I'm assuming you like the way you've grown, so don't fault th feelings you currently have and the feelings you've lost. While there is a chance your husband's change is permanent, there's a good chance that is isn't. One warning sign to watch for is if he wants you to go back to the way you were. If he reverts back to doing things you didn't like, how would you feel about wasting more time on a failed relationship?
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