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Old 04-01-2012, 05:22 PM
 
810 posts, read 1,701,514 times
Reputation: 1609

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Yesterday, a female friend of mine texted me saying that she likes me. I am flattered and all, but the thing is, I am not really attracted to her. She is nice, and pretty smart, but there is one factor that despite me trying to overlook I can't, and I really hope I don't offend anyone's feelings.

She's heavy. I don't mean a couple of pounds overweight or having a bit of a belly, she is heavy. As I have written in previous posts, fitness is a huge part of my life, and I am usually attracted to athletic women with muscle, even powerlifters or bodybuilders. I know how she probably feels about her weights, because I myself used to be fat. For most of my childhood I was heavy and ate very poorly and also never exercised. When I got to high school, I made it a point to get in shape. I ended up playing three sports, lost a significant amount of weight and later on gained a lot of muscle. Because of this, I find myself sympathetic towards her, but not attracted to her.

The other thing is that she does have a gym membership, and this is just my observation and I could be wrong, but I don't think she takes working out too seriously. She might be a woman who needs a little guidance working out, but we go to different gyms from different franchises, since we live in different areas in Vegas (I in Spring Valley, her in Henderson.)

I feel terrible, but I can't picture myself getting intimate with her. How should I go about this? Should I turn her down outright and tell her exactly why I am not attracted to her? Should I hint to her by telling her that I like athletic women and powerlifters or bodybuilders? Should I start dating her and encourage her to train harder? I have seen a couple stories of women who were heavy dating bodybuilders and eventually becoming one and even competing together. Maybe that's something that can happen to us, but it doesn't seem like she wants it badly enough.

I am terribly sorry if I offended anyone with this post. I know that weight is a delicate issue and I know people out there struggle with it, as I have earlier in my life. Thank you.
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:26 PM
 
10,539 posts, read 14,516,698 times
Reputation: 12704
I think it shows that you are at least a decent guy that you feel bad about it.

Female 'friends' have rejected me in such situations without even giving me so much as a second thought. Of that I'm sure.

It's a very unique animal which can date someone they are physically unattracted to, so don't feel bad. I'd say 97% of people would not date someone they had no physical attraction to, no matter what that person's personality was like.

Tell her you want to stay friends...
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:28 PM
 
11,869 posts, read 15,987,523 times
Reputation: 20055
Take the weight out of the equation because that really makes her no different from another female friend you aren't interested in. Reply to her like you would anyone else you weren't interested in.
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:28 PM
 
Location: England
1,171 posts, read 2,388,026 times
Reputation: 1007
You sound lovely. No wonder she likes you.

You should tell her, face to face, that you like her as a friend, maybe in the future you may feel differently, but at the moment you just want to be friends. Tell her you are flattered that she likes you, be gentle to her and let her know how much you appreciate her, that she is a good person, kind....but that you have always seen her just as a friend. Apologise, tell her not to be embarassed that she told you how she felt, then hopefully, she will be OK.
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,409 posts, read 28,982,424 times
Reputation: 16579
Ehh its normal man, but do NOT BY ANY MEANS tell her she's too heavy. That is way wrong. Have some respect for the poor girl, think about it, if you were rejected how would you want to be turned down? Do it nicely, there's no need to twist the sword....

Why can't you just tell her that you are not looking for a relationship at the moment and you enjoy spending time with her but you are focusing on other things for the moment.
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:28 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 11,040,832 times
Reputation: 7588
oh please. you probably already told her she was too fat for your liking & you're looking to turn it into a joke in this thread.

Last edited by Doll Eyes; 04-01-2012 at 06:13 PM..
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:36 PM
 
Location: East coast-New England
1,638 posts, read 2,033,134 times
Reputation: 3538
Quote:
Originally Posted by burgler09 View Post
Ehh its normal man, but do NOT BY ANY MEANS tell her she's too heavy. That is way wrong. Have some respect for the poor girl, think about it, if you were rejected how would you want to be turned down? Do it nicely, there's no need to twist the sword....

Why can't you just tell her that you are not looking for a relationship at the moment and you enjoy spending time with her but you are focusing on other things for the moment.



^^ This bolded part I would not do, only because I think it gives her hope. She may think okay, he's just busy right now, but I still have a shot. Then 3 weeks later, if he meets a woman he is attracted to and starts going on dates with HER.. yeah you get the point. Arkward. LOL

OP, I give you credit also because you sound like a decent guy. I too see why she likes you if this is any indication of your thoughtfulness and personality. However, you have the right to be attracted to what you like. Plus, dating her with the thought of trying to change her may not work, or be met with resentment.

I would just gently tell her you dont see her in that manner, and that you enjoy her as a friend. Something of that sort.
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:39 PM
 
3,672 posts, read 6,714,091 times
Reputation: 4248
you cant get into a relationship with someone expecting them to change later. reject her. dont tell her why. she already knows...no need to rub it in. then maybe she'll feel crappy about herself and get more motivated to lose weight lol
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Old 04-01-2012, 06:12 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
819 posts, read 1,075,060 times
Reputation: 1278
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gatsby1925 View Post
How should I go about this? Should I turn her down outright and tell her exactly why I am not attracted to her? Should I hint to her by telling her that I like athletic women and powerlifters or bodybuilders? Should I start dating her and encourage her to train harder?
How about you tell her, "Not interested." If the situation were reversed, I have no doubt she would give you a lengthy explanation about why she wouldn't go out with you blah blah blah but it'd just be a way to let you down easy. You're not obligated to accept the advances of a woman; you're allowed to have standards. Don't mention ANY of the crap about weight, working out, etc. That's just asking for severe hate.
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Old 04-01-2012, 06:14 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
2,389 posts, read 3,386,039 times
Reputation: 2891
You have no obligation to force yourself to be attracted to what you genuinely aren't. Try to tell her that you're interested in other women. The "just friends" gig doesn't usually work because it's not true, and the "I'm not attracted to YOU" is hurtful, but if she knows from you that you're "into other women" - and you don't need to specify which women, by name, height, age, weight, race, career, etc. - then she'll fade away in time. Just remember to also specify: "I'm not interested in any relationship with you." It's important that an attracted woman knows exactly these words so that she doesn't feel led on in any way and knows clearly that you have no intention to accept her pursuits with you in any way, shape, form, or fashion. It sounds harsh now, but the simple truth is much better than some bull**** about being friends or keeping this charade going because you don't want to seem like a jerk. It saves a lot of heartbreak, time and energy in the long run this way.
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