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You are not even engaged yet and you are worried about what percentage he should pay of possible future travel?
Have you ever heard the expression "putting the cart before the horse"?
It is, will he be there for you if you have cancer? Start with those kinds of issues.
Absolutely a good place to start. We're going through this right now and I know she would stick by me if something as bad or worse happened to me without question. Finding out first hand what surviving a life-threatening situation or illness together dulls the worry a bit. However, the issue of contribution and providence (in the material sense) is a complex one. I've got a related thread going based on a related but not necessarily similar scenario.
I have a wacky idea that just might work. It could be hard to convince both of you to adhere to the plan, but some people do it. I'm thinking I may be able to do it too if I can convince my gf/eventual fiance to go for it. Can you both of you scrape by on his income? If you could get a great job out of school and throw every penny you make at your loan you could condense your financial burden to a relatively short timeframe and save a boat load in interest. Imagine that? This would obviously need to be discussed once you know for sure whether you two are going for the long haul, but if he supports you for an entire year you may avoid that future resentment when you're supporting him for all intensive purposes. Just something to think about.
You could take it one step further. Get married, scrape by for two years. Year one: tackle that loan with every penny you've got. Year two: throw every penny you make into a house down payment account. Year three: buy that house and live your life as you want!
I'm not a gold digger, quite the opposite actually. I just don't want to end up being taken advantage of by golddigger and trying to figure out whether he'd turn into one. I agree with you, that I need to work on having faith in us-I'm constantly in my head and have sabotaged relationships by worrying too much in the past. Point well taken.
You won't make that much $ with a JD unless you went to a Top 14 school , are in the top 10% of your class or really know how to talk the talk and hustle (in which case you wouldn't need a law degree ), so I wouldn't worry about being dug for gold. I'd worry about being able to find a job. Lol...
Lots of my friends went to law school, mostly Top 50.
More to the point, I think the issue is not $, it's motivation. You are clearly motivated to do more than he is. You are going back for a grad degree to better your life or career goals.
A degree that does not mean more $ is not a worthless degree. Often it's a path to a more rewarding career, if not more lucrative. So, if you feel like his motivation level in life is well below yours, I'd definitely say that's grounds for a breakup. Not $ though ... for the reasons stated in the first paragraph, and really just my own opinion on money and happiness in life in general.
From the tone of your post, my advice is move on. You shouldn't be up at night worrying because you make more money than your boyfriend. Status is important to some people. We're all free to choose the mate we think will make us happiest in the long run. It sounds like you're going to resent this man down the line if you don't already. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not having a college degree and doing blue collar work. I think I'd be okay dating someone with less than me as long as they DID work full time and weren't up to their eye balls in debt. But it doesn't sound like you are. When I was married we put our checks all into the same account and paid bills from it. We didn't divy up bills...okay you owe such and such for water, such and such for cable...to me, that's not marriage. That's a roommate. If I wanted to go on a trip my boyfriend or husband couldn't afford I'd be happy to pay his way because I would want him with me. As long as the guy didn't expect it and wasn't using me just for my money. And I'm sure there are lots of cases where the MAN makes more money than the WOMAN and therefore foots the bill more often.
See that's what I don't understand, (and OP I'm not directing this at you--it's more of a general musing). No one bats an eyelash when the man in the relationship/marriage makes far more money than his spouse/SO, but if the roles are reversed, suddenly he's a loser and taking advantage, or <insert negative stereotype here>. I find that to be sexist. It comes from a time, I'm sure, when more households were solo income and the woman stayed home with the kids. I know I'm generalizing, but we haven't been that way as a society for a long time, so it stands to reason you'd get households with a more go getter career woman and a man who fills other roles, like house keeping, child rearing, and maybe works as well, but doesn't make as much. What's so bad about that? I had lots of one on one time with my dad as a kid and I think we're closer for it! Now obviously there are people who take advantage in these types of relationships too and I don't fault OP for worrying about it, especially if she has been taken advantage of in the past.
I always wonder how it works in homosexual relationships, is there still pressure for one person to be the breadwinner and the other to be more domestic and are you looked down upon if you're not the breadwinner? I can't imagine the stereotypes are the same...interesting food for thought I think.
See that's what I don't understand, (and OP I'm not directing this at you--it's more of a general musing). No one bats an eyelash when the man in the relationship/marriage makes far more money than his spouse/SO, but if the roles are reversed, suddenly he's a loser and taking advantage, or <insert negative stereotype here>. I find that to be sexist. It comes from a time, I'm sure, when more households were solo income and the woman stayed home with the kids. I know I'm generalizing, but we haven't been that way as a society for a long time, so it stands to reason you'd get households with a more go getter career woman and a man who fills other roles, like house keeping, child rearing, and maybe works as well, but doesn't make as much. What's so bad about that? I had lots of one on one time with my dad as a kid and I think we're closer for it! Now obviously there are people who take advantage in these types of relationships too and I don't fault OP for worrying about it, especially if she has been taken advantage of in the past.
I always wonder how it works in homosexual relationships, is there still pressure for one person to be the breadwinner and the other to be more domestic and are you looked down upon if you're not the breadwinner? I can't imagine the stereotypes are the same...interesting food for thought I think.
OP is just one woman out of many. I know a cardiologist who pulls in ~$250,000 a year who is married to a jazz musician who probably pulls 40K in a real good year.
the endless cookie or milk scenario.
fat wallet or hottie
in the end its the wallet and the cookie
but we find out too late
the u listen to magpie flocks talks near the water cooler talking about needing a sugar daddy (they are 60!!! lol)
Do not marry him until you have an idea on how finances will work out. I believe financial problems are one of the main reasons for divorce. What I'd do now is to set up a joint account where you pay all of your joint expenses. Keep the remainder in your own personal accounts. The idea here is to see how well he can manage his finances. As long as he doesn't raid the joint account or bounce checks from his personal account, you'll get a good idea of how he handles his finances.
On division of expenses, I checked both 50-50 and % of income. Things like food, electricity, etc., should be on a 50-50 basis, since you both equally consume them (exceptions for special dietary needs). Things, such as apartment, furniture, etc., should be on a sliding scale. For instance, you might want a bigger apartment or better furniture and you should pay more to get it. If he wants something fancy, he should pay extra.
The idea here is to come to an agreement on how finances should work and then see how well he's able to follow it. Granted, there will be some mistakes, but you want to find out if it's a pattern.
Thanks everyone for their thoughts. Re-reading my posts and your comments have made me realize how much I care for this man and want to see things through. I just need to work on my issues of being paranoid that I'll be taken advantage of. I think time will help with that. I like the idea that someone suggested on taking an international trip together to see how we decide to split expenses and see if I can deal with it even if I end up paying a larger portion. The problem that I've been overly generous in the past bailing people out is what has led to this trepidation now on whether I will be able to comfortably handle providing for another, but I'm willing to give it a chance.
I just want to add that I in no way think blue collar workers aren't good role models. There are many hard working people who have blue collar jobs who are good decent people that are admirable. I just meant that as someone who has come from a family that highly values education, I expect my children (if any) to do the same and don't ever want them using the excuse "Dad didn't finish college, why should I have to go?" I know b/f regrets not being more ambitious when he was in college. He was still dealing with his parent's recent divorce so he wasn't very studious when he was in college, so I don't look down on him for leaving. I just want him to live up to his full potential. He's a smart guy and he admits that he hates his job. A degree would just give him more options, at least in theory.
Thanks again everyone. It helps to hear perspectives from other people to realize that I'm worrying about something that might not be important.
Eventually you know what's best. Whatever experimentation you do, you should and more time will prove his projected life path. And then you can make the sound decision.
But there are things you need to watch for:
1. How much student debt would I have eventually?
2. He hates his job, so will he suddenly quit and act like a SAHH in the name of cooking and house chores (trust me, I have seen cases as these)
3. They suddenly cite depression and start 24/7 x-box gaming, fantasy baseball, again I have seen this in families where women make more money.
4. You have to be prepared to be the husband of the family, coz technically, the roles here are reversed. Can you be the man in the family? If yes, push forward.
Do not marry him until you have an idea on how finances will work out. I believe financial problems are one of the main reasons for divorce. What I'd do now is to set up a joint account where you pay all of your joint expenses. Keep the remainder in your own personal accounts. The idea here is to see how well he can manage his finances. As long as he doesn't raid the joint account or bounce checks from his personal account, you'll get a good idea of how he handles his finances.
On division of expenses, I checked both 50-50 and % of income. Things like food, electricity, etc., should be on a 50-50 basis, since you both equally consume them (exceptions for special dietary needs). Things, such as apartment, furniture, etc., should be on a sliding scale. For instance, you might want a bigger apartment or better furniture and you should pay more to get it. If he wants something fancy, he should pay extra.
The idea here is to come to an agreement on how finances should work and then see how well he's able to follow it. Granted, there will be some mistakes, but you want to find out if it's a pattern.
oh god forbid he ate eggs and meat and she was a vegeterian, because then they would have to really spend some time on figuring out how to split the food costs. I cannot believe how calculated some people are, it simply boggles my mind. If you cant share, stay single and keep everything for yourself, because god knows that will bring you happiness.
You are not even engaged yet and you are worried about what percentage he should pay of possible future travel?
Have you ever heard the expression "putting the cart before the horse"?
Couples that aren't engaged travel together all the time. O.o It's the step before "moving in" together I suppose. Traveling together is fun, lets you spend a few days 24/7, and provides ample opportunities to see if the couple would be compatible in a different environment.
In my 9 month relationship with the current b/f, we went on 2 elaborate trips and learned so much about each other from those experiences. I also have female friends who went on annual trips with their boyfriends to far away destinations.
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), so I wouldn't worry about being dug for gold. I'd worry about being able to find a job. Lol...
