Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-15-2018, 09:03 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,099 posts, read 107,250,308 times
Reputation: 115908

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by MindOnFire View Post
Really....after 2 years? I know that there are married couples that have rough patches and I think this is just one of them.... right?

she is really in a bind right now which is why she is living with my mom for now until she finishes school. But is always saying how she hates it and wants to live with me. She always brings up how her job pays crap and because of it she cant afford a single bedroom. And, then also says even if she could afford a single bedroom, she hates living by herself. She says that I am being inconsiderate of her feelings when i tell her she should just look for another job. (where her feelings come from about us living together and how it is related to what kind of job she works I am not sure) I told her that I am not trying to be inconsiderate, I'm just pointing out that you do have options but you choose not to use them.
OP, this is not about living together. That's just the symptom pointing to greater underlying issues.

What this is about, is that she wants to be rescued from her own inability to plan. She doesn't want to be responsible for her own life, and her own decisions, or lack of decisions, lack of planning. She wants everything to be easy. Now that she's about to graduate, she's not able to transition to adulthood. That's what's going on.

You two are fundamentally different in this regard. That's what. you're finding out; she doesn't share one of your core values, which is self-sufficiency, and the forward planning and responsibility that go with creating self-sufficiency.

So, you need to decide whether you can handle having a gf who's opposite to you in that regard.

How is her money management, btw? Is she sensible about money, and able to live within her means? Does she have a lot of credit card debt? (Not counting school loans) If she does have school loans, how's she going to pay them off with a job that pays poorly? Will her degree qualify her for a much better job?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-15-2018, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Full time in the RV
3,417 posts, read 7,765,576 times
Reputation: 3332
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, this is not about living together. That's just the symptom pointing to greater underlying issues.

What this is about, is that she wants to be rescued from her own inability to plan. She doesn't want to be responsible for her own life, and her own decisions, or lack of decisions, lack of planning. She wants everything to be easy. Now that she's about to graduate, she's not able to transition to adulthood. That's what's going on.

You two are fundamentally different in this regard. That's what. you're finding out; she doesn't share one of your core values, which is self-sufficiency, and the forward planning and responsibility that go with creating self-sufficiency.

So, you need to decide whether you can handle having a gf who's opposite to you in that regard.

How is her money management, btw? Is she sensible about money, and able to live within her means? Does she have a lot of credit card debt? (Not counting school loans) If she does have school loans, how's she going to pay them off with a job that pays poorly? Will her degree qualify her for a much better job?
The OP is from 2012.

The OP just returned stating they are now married.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-15-2018, 10:25 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,604,563 times
Reputation: 12523
Quote:
Originally Posted by MindOnFire View Post
I have said that too her before when we have had the convo and again last night. She said that I since that is how I was raised she feels that all she can do is wait, but the waiting is making her anxious and depressed. I told her that I dont have intentions on my values affecting you to where you are depressed. And that I feel that if I was to do otherwise it wouldn't be true to the person that I am, that you say that you love. She says that she doesnt want to change me but that in relationships you have to do all kinds of things that you dont want to (sacrifice) in order for things to work. And, she continually uses the "i have been in long term relationships before, and this how things work" time and time again. Which is true so then it puts me in the situation where I am questioning my ability to sustain a healthy relationship. Like I really dont know what im doing......
So, she's trying to browbeat you into doing something you don't want to do. That's a crappy thing to do to someone you claim to love.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-15-2018, 10:28 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,604,563 times
Reputation: 12523
Quote:
Originally Posted by MindOnFire View Post
(where her feelings come from about us living together and how it is related to what kind of job she works I am not sure)
Because you earn more and thus can support her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-15-2018, 10:32 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,604,563 times
Reputation: 12523
Quote:
Originally Posted by MindOnFire View Post
Its funny, a really good friend of mine that's like an older sister told me the same thing. But I just feel so bad knowing that this is what is making her hurt so much. It is becoming more and more frustrating since I dont know what to do and KNOWING that the only way I can fix this is to change the person that I am....
It is HER responsibility to solve HER problems; not yours.

Living with someone if you don't want to is not a "compromise". Unless you decide YOU want to live with her, continue to say no.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-15-2018, 10:33 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,099 posts, read 107,250,308 times
Reputation: 115908
Quote:
Originally Posted by MindOnFire View Post
Wow.... Looking back on this post, so many emotions come to mind in a wave of experiences, trials, testes, and above all growth for both me and my now wife. Thanks everyone for the advice.
So you married her? Your last post before this update said you were planning to break up with her.

How did you guys work it out?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-15-2018, 10:36 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,604,563 times
Reputation: 12523
Quote:
Originally Posted by MindOnFire View Post
This is kinda off subject from my original post but is it weird for a girl to cry uncontrollably, throw herself on the door so you cant leave, grab your legs while you are walking away and being dragged, and throw herself in front of your car after you say that you need a break from the relationship, NOT breakup, but just a break to think about things while you're leaving?
Weird? She is either extremely immature, mentally unstable, or attempting to manipulate you.

If I were you, this display would immediately prompt me to end the relationship permanently.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-15-2018, 10:39 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,604,563 times
Reputation: 12523
Aw geez, 6.5 year old thread. Never mind.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2023, 04:14 PM
 
13 posts, read 18,534 times
Reputation: 30
I don't know why I keep coming back to this thread when things just are going weird with my relationship life... lol. But here I am. OP here... its been 5 years since we married after so much has happened between my initial post, the hiatus, and now this... and I can't help but sit here and chuckle to myself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2023, 08:44 PM
 
13 posts, read 18,534 times
Reputation: 30
Soooo in early 2014 we broke up. She cheated, I found out and cut ties. So then i just focused on me. My career took off, I was traveling more for work due to new freed up capacity for focusing on my career. It paid off and another fortune 500 company got wind of my capabilities and well offered me way more to do more of what I love, robotic/electronics engineering. I got a house in a great neighborhood and got a dream car (I'm a gear head) that I always wanted. Then by chance my now wife and I ran into each other at a resturant where we both were eating alone. This is around late 2015. I was not looking for anything from anyone, not even just physical urges (mostly because I had baggage I didn't want to subject anyone too before healing properly). We were cordial, said hello and went on our separate ways.

Fast forward to mid 2016 around my birthday (virgo -to not be too specific) she sends me a Instagram message wishing me happy birthday and asking if I'm going to do anything for my bday (she knows typically I dont). I'm not sure I even remember how it happened but we ended up meeting up for a cocktail hour at a business mixer. She started telling about how she's started therapy and working through what she did and why she did it and that she was sorry for how things turned out.

So slowly we started dating again. She never pressured me to move in together at that point and we actually worked better as a couple around that time. She was a couple years into her profession at this time as a cardiopulmonary therapist (RT) and started a side gig as a entertainment/gogo dancing (and no not stripping, think more like Disney character dancer) which she really loves. Things were so good back then. Like we were traveling together, thriving together and so happy. I was killing it so well at work with my team that the company closed a huge contract and rewarded the entire staff with an all expenses paid cruise. It was here where I proposed. Shortly after I got recruited by an even bigger company, to which i never thought they would even look for someone like me, and shortly after we got married. It was great like a movie almost... of course there were realistic and reasonable ups and downs but we worked through them with ease. I had a short little "cloudy" time (important detail for later)
to which she swooped in and got me a orange tabby kitten that brightened me up instantly and things were back being a movie... till covid hit.

Then it seemed like old habits just started showing up from her. (And me... honestly). In late 2019 she started seeing the hospitals fill up with covid patients, us not knowing what it was, we just started being extra careful for her not to pass anything from work to me at home. So it kinda limited our affection towards each other out of precaution. I had this extra energy so I put it towards working out more and it helped immensely with my self-esteem and minimizing her anxiety about being intimate (pretty much she was relived exercisingwas tiring me out enough so she didnt have to turn down my advances). When the news about what was actually going on with covid and it being a full blown pandemic we kinda already had a protocol in place. Being that we live in florida... it was a weird time down here and her dancing gigs pretty much were dead in the water, so she couldn't dance as much as she'd like and she lost her means of blowing off steam. I also ended up easing up on my working out since we don't have a home gym and honestly I started losing interest... it was around this time I started disassociating ... Just dialing out of work, friends, hobbies, and our relationship. At first I thought it was because of the pandemic and now being 100% remote for work and that whole change was what was taking a toll. Then, things started opening back up and slowly we tried to get back into the swing of things for this new normal...

In 2021 thats where things changed, seems now like permanently. I got a huge opportunity at work and she got an opportunity to work with a new entertainment company along side her current dance group and main job. So we both went for our opportunities. I started feeling better again, the gyms opened back up and we started working out together even. It was seeming like we were back to thriving... but then I got injured. I went to hard on one of my workouts and got something called rhabdomyolysis. Basically your muscles are so damaged from working out so hard that your body attacks your muscles and its potentially fatal. Luckily with her being a medical professional she sees what's going on and we rush to the hospital. I get admitted and eventually cleared to go home after 1 week in the hospital. I was blessed to not have had any irreversible damage. But mentally... I was. Turns out during all this happening my work quality took a drastic toll (previously before it was beyond stellar, it got me a promotion) then I find out that the new dance group she's a part of exclusively does burlesque (not that there is anything wrong with it). I don't necessarily have an issue with it but shortly after she started doing these type of gigs our sex life dries up. She's no longer showing any interest of having sex with me. No reciprocation or initiation. Then one day I decide we should sit down and talk in depth about it. And that is where she suggested something that still sits with me to this day, she suggested an open marriage. Only 2.5 years in...
I was hurt and torn. Like why the hell would she suggest that also knowing how hard it is for me to get to that level with someone in the first place? (When we first dated I had a 6 month rule to weed out women not serious about being long term). I was/am no good at casual dating or hook ups and she knows this. She claims to thus day she's the same but when I heard that suggestion my disassociating came back strong. It put me in a depressive state for 4 months. I had to admit myself to an outpatient program to get help. Thank God I did tho. I made it through the program and built myself back up again.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top