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Are you guys sure you shouldn't feel guilty for sexually fantasizing about somebody other than your spouse?
If you're aiming for monogamy, devotion, and loyalty - the basis and point of marriage - are you sure you should be channeling any of your sexual and romantic energy to somebody other than your spouse, even if it does remain just a fantasy?
Fantasizing is like planting a seed. A seed that if conditions were right might blossom and hurt or destroy a marriage. A seed that if not planted doesn't have a chance to be acted on.
Thank you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by MOKAN
I'm not God or a religious zealot (as somebody said somewhere above), I'm not even religious, and I don't know what's right or wrong, what's too high of a standard and unrealistic. I'm just thinking aloud. Everything I just said makes logical sense to me and isn't based on religion whatsoever.
Are you guys sure you shouldn't feel guilty for sexually fantasizing about somebody other than your spouse?
Nope, don't feel guilty about it at all. Actually, he and I will fantasize together sometimes. We've watched porn together too, which is pretty much the same thing only the story is not produced in my head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MOKAN
Fantasizing is like planting a seed. A seed that if conditions were right might blossom and hurt or destroy a marriage. A seed that if not planted doesn't have a chance to be acted on.
Not really in my case. A fantasy is just that, a fantasy. It's a story in my head. Heck, I fantasize that I'm a prima ballerina or a gold medalist gymnast, sometimes I fantasize that I can run faster than a 6 minute mile and win a 5K and sometimes I fantasize that my master bathroom is this lovely, relaxing spa that cost us wads of money to redo. None of that is anything that I really care to pursue in reality, even if conditions were perfect. They are just daydreams.
I guess if one can't seperate fantasy and daydreaming from reality it could be an issue but I have a firm handle on what a fantasy is and what is reality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MOKAN
I could see myself fantasizing about how things might go with a girl on a date, being single. But once it reached that point and I had a real person to be with, why fantasize about others? Isn't that greedy? Is greed something to feel guilty about?
I don't really see how it's greedy. It's a thought or a daydream, it's not like I'm hoarding men and hiding them in my closet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MOKAN
It seems like our standards have become too lax, with the justifying rhetoric being that high standards are unrealistic and can't be achieved. I don't think that's true. Isn't the point of a committed relationship, especially marriage, to secure a sexual and romantic partner and not worry about that and think about it anymore? Why go out of your way to keep thinking about the potential for more of what you already securely have? Why not devote your energy and capacity outside your relationship into other things?
It really doesn't take THAT much energy to produce a thought. It's not like I'm sitting here day in and day out fantasizing about other people and he doesn't either. It's a passing thought. Heck, I fantasize what it would be like if I were to be dead and gone, who would go to my funeral, who would be distraught, who wouldn't give a flip when I'm gone..etc. ...doesn't mean I'm going to off myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MOKAN
Do you think your spouses would be bothered or hurt, even if they didn't show it, if they knew your fantasies? Easy-to-resort-to rhetoric suggests a person should grow up and be mature and accepting so their partner's fantasy or whatever it may be doesn't bother them. But is that right? Is scarring over or working your way through that normal human emotion right? Maybe that emotion is their for a reason. Maybe to truly committ to somebody is to do just that, even in your head or when nobody's looking.
Nope, like I said we sometimes fantasize together so I'm sure he's not bothered by it, nor am I bothered if he fantasizes about another person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MOKAN
I'm not God or a religious zealot (as somebody said somewhere above), I'm not even religious, and I don't know what's right or wrong, what's too high of a standard and unrealistic. I'm just thinking aloud. Everything I just said makes logical sense to me and isn't based on religion whatsoever.
And everything in our lives makes logical sense to us. We've been together for 20yrs, married for the last 15 of them. We have 4 children together, a nice house in a suburban, family-oriented neighborhood and have a normal life.
So say you have a freind/co-worker of the opposite sex and you get along really well. You know you're never going to have a relationship with them, nor do you want one, you don't have a crush on them or anything like that. But, thay are attractive and maybe one day you fantasize about them sexualy. Do you ever feel guilty about it? Or kind of weird about it? Like if only THEY knew what was going through your mind at that moment.... things would never be the same lol. It doesn't even have to be a freind of yours. Maybe it's your freinds wife/husband or sister/brother { NOT your sister or brother, but maybe a freinds } or girlfreind/boyfreind etc etc.
You guys know that feeling I'm talking about? Do you ever feel guilty when you fantasize sexualy about certain people in your life, like maybe you shouldn't be doing that, but it's only in your head so who cares.
What do you all think?
I know exactly what your talking about.. you meet a very attractive girl at work and sooner or later you start fantasizing about her. This can happen even if your happily married.. I don't feel guilty about it but I do try to control it.. I think its fairly normal but I also think its disrespectful to the girl your fantasizing about. You can and you should, for the most part, control those thoughts especially in a work environment.. just remember that its not respectful at all to think of that person in that way.. It gets much easier to do this as you get older and more mature.
Now for girls that you see on TV etc. all bets are off... I have a list of about 5 famous women that may wife has given me the OK to sleep with if ever the chance arises... so even though that is not gonna ever happen in real life, it certainly happens in fantasy world all the time!!!
I fantasize about my cousins a lot and it makes me feel somewhat guilty because it would cause family strife if I ever made a move on them. That's first cousins only though, it's fairly common for Latin people to date second cousins and beyond. I had an older girl cousin in her 30s when I was 14 and I'd always cop a feel on her when I hugged her, hugged her so her boobs were against me, and I'd kiss her on the lips goodbye, I had to cold shower a bit after that
Are you guys sure you shouldn't feel guilty for sexually fantasizing about somebody other than your spouse?
If you're aiming for monogamy, devotion, and loyalty - the basis and point of marriage - are you sure you should be channeling any of your sexual and romantic energy to somebody other than your spouse, even if it does remain just a fantasy?
Fantasizing is like planting a seed. A seed that if conditions were right might blossom and hurt or destroy a marriage. A seed that if not planted doesn't have a chance to be acted on.
I could see myself fantasizing about how things might go with a girl on a date, being single. But once it reached that point and I had a real person to be with, why fantasize about others? Isn't that greedy? Is greed something to feel guilty about?
It seems like our standards have become too lax, with the justifying rhetoric being that high standards are unrealistic and can't be achieved. I don't think that's true. Isn't the point of a committed relationship, especially marriage, to secure a sexual and romantic partner and not worry about that and think about it anymore? Why go out of your way to keep thinking about the potential for more of what you already securely have? Why not devote your energy and capacity outside your relationship into other things?
Do you think your spouses would be bothered or hurt, even if they didn't show it, if they knew your fantasies? Easy-to-resort-to rhetoric suggests a person should grow up and be mature and accepting so their partner's fantasy or whatever it may be doesn't bother them. But is that right? Is scarring over or working your way through that normal human emotion right? Maybe that emotion is their for a reason. Maybe to truly committ to somebody is to do just that, even in your head or when nobody's looking.
I'm not God or a religious zealot (as somebody said somewhere above), I'm not even religious, and I don't know what's right or wrong, what's too high of a standard and unrealistic. I'm just thinking aloud. Everything I just said makes logical sense to me and isn't based on religion whatsoever.
Ahh sure glad I'm single so I can fantasize about whomever I want all the time lol.
Please. Seriously, why waste your time feeling guilty when yOu should just tell your brain to cut it out and concern yourself with something else. I think knowing there might be a curiosity in your head and acknowledging it then moving on is more healthy than bottling it in.
But you all go ahead and feel guilty. I will just laugh about the silly situations my brain tries to compose.
The people who are least able to separate fantasy from reality are the people who are least likely to be able to not fantasize about someone that some here say they shouldn't be fantasizing about.
For most people who can make the distinction, they don't need such advice and needn't heed it unless that's already their inclination. Moralizing about it probably won't change things much, but it may make the moralizer feel superior!
Ahh sure glad I'm single so I can fantasize about whomever I want all the time lol.
Please. Seriously, why waste your time feeling guilty when yOu should just tell your brain to cut it out and concern yourself with something else. I think knowing there might be a curiosity in your head and acknowledging it then moving on is more healthy than bottling it in.
But you all go ahead and feel guilty. I will just laugh about the silly situations my brain tries to compose.
This is more my attitude about it. There's a difference between admitting something is wrong, risky, or counterproductive and kicking yourself for doing it. This is especially relevant to the distinction between a fleeting thought or dream and a fantasy you choose to indulge in. I've had LOTS of dreams and passing thoughts of me doing something I shouldn't do, including many sexual encounters with people I've no business thinking of in that way. Never once felt guilty about any of it. But the things I voluntarily directed my mind to, I have felt "guilty" about, just long enough to tell myself "I shouldn't have done that" and then I don't do it anymore.
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