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Old 04-16-2012, 07:38 AM
 
Location: Homeless
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When we think we've found said person that we would like to take a chance on, to some extent do we settle or make some comprise some?



For example maybe they don't have the same religious beliefs as we do or their political beliefs are different from ours. Perhaps they are not as tall or short as we wish them to be, etc



What say you?
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Old 04-16-2012, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Earth
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No I didn't settle, I got more than I expected in a partner. We don't have the same political beliefs but I actually think that's a good thing now.
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Old 04-16-2012, 07:45 AM
 
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it's not settling when it's the best you can do.
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Old 04-16-2012, 07:52 AM
 
10,712 posts, read 10,059,436 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
When we think we've found said person that we would like to take a chance on, to some extent do we settle or make some comprise some?

For example maybe they don't have the same religious beliefs as we do or their political beliefs are different from ours. Perhaps they are not as tall or short as we wish them to be, etc


What say you?

I don't think "compromising" is the same as "settling". To me, settling is taking whatever you can get, regardless, for the sake of having someone and not being alone. Compromising is realizing that certain criteria you have can and, often, should be flexible in order to have a successful relationship.
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Old 04-16-2012, 07:58 AM
 
9,410 posts, read 12,783,094 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
I don't think "compromising" is the same as "settling". To me, settling is taking whatever you can get, regardless, for the sake of having someone and not being alone. Compromising is realizing that certain criteria you have can and, often, should be flexible in order to have a successful relationship.
I couldn't rep you but this is a great post.
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:11 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,992 posts, read 8,244,976 times
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Yes, the perfect partner which exists in our imagination is probably unlikely to exist in real life.

therefore, to an extent, we all do settle.
Unless we constantly have a stream of new partners, I guess we'll never know if we settled or not.

It's a percentage game really, if you get someone who ticks 99 of your 100 boxes, then statistically you aren't likely to do much better, so you settle for 99%
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
I don't think "compromising" is the same as "settling". To me, settling is taking whatever you can get, regardless, for the sake of having someone and not being alone. Compromising is realizing that certain criteria you have can and, often, should be flexible in order to have a successful relationship.
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:51 AM
 
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Yes, of course, and you can feel entirely blissful with that person too. That is the beauty of love.
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Old 04-16-2012, 12:50 PM
 
Location: in your dreams
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Looking back, I can see ways in which I have settled. Especially w/ my last bf...Wtf was I thinking...

I don't like comparing partners, but I had a real solid connection w/ someone in my past (and that connection remains surprisingly even more solid today) but I can see how much was lacking in other relationships...I think that's pretty sad, because alot of people don't realize until it's too late.

I thought it was a result of getting older, experiencing more hurt, making people slower to trust, always holding back something, just in case....and ya start thinking "This is just how it is....the game has changed."

Sometimes when we want for someone to be "right" for us, we don't always see how wrong they really are.
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Old 04-16-2012, 12:57 PM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
1,775 posts, read 3,478,588 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
I don't think "compromising" is the same as "settling". To me, settling is taking whatever you can get, regardless, for the sake of having someone and not being alone. Compromising is realizing that certain criteria you have can and, often, should be flexible in order to have a successful relationship.
Exactly, had to rep this one. The word "settling" has so many negative connotations, but if you sit down and think about it - there are MANY things in life where we all "settle" on..Down to getting decaf coffee from the morning deli one morning if they are out of stock on regular coffee, to choosing a college to attend, certain clothes to wear, etc.

When you meet the right person, you don't see it as "settling". Anyone who uses that word to describe their partner, im my view, is someone who may be suffering from low self-esteem. If you find your principles and values compromised to a degree where you are feeling like someone else, then I think the relatonship is doomed to fail because you're forcing yourself to compromise on aspects that typically are ones you feel are completely against your nature.

And of course, there are arguments for "settling" for that partner who brings most of the qualities you want but may not completely fulfill your checklist (which inevitably rarealy happens):

Marry Him! - Magazine - The Atlantic

Last edited by LegalDiva; 04-16-2012 at 01:31 PM..
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Old 04-16-2012, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,188 posts, read 23,117,228 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
I don't think "compromising" is the same as "settling". To me, settling is taking whatever you can get, regardless, for the sake of having someone and not being alone. Compromising is realizing that certain criteria you have can and, often, should be flexible in order to have a successful relationship.
Like others have said - great post!

And I'll add this - perhaps if I had my "perfect man" in mind years ago - there are lots of traits that he might have had that maybe my husband doesn't. But here's the thing - when you have checklists, lists, demands, etc. - they don't amount to a whole person. You can't build a person. So maybe my husband doesn't have the exact political beliefs that I would have wanted my "perfect man" to have - but my husband's political beliefs are a part of him. They are a part of the total package. And this total package is so much more perfect for me than any checklist could ever have been. So it's not like I've "settled" for someone with slightly different political beliefs than me - it's that I fell in love with this amazing person and he happens to lean slightly more to the right than I do.
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