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I never claimed to be the world's greatest husband. And I can understand that I don't come across all that well. However, my feelings are very real, even though you may disagree. I guess it makes people feel good to resort to name calling, which actually reveals a lot about your level of character as well.
You are talking about possibly cheating or divorcing your wife because your life isn't as "fun" as you want it to be. What did you expect? I've never heard someone contemplate suicide because things weren't "fun." Suicide is a serious issue - not something to throw around because you feel like your wife isn't putting out enough. From the rest of your post - I just don't believe that you feel this way.
If your wife is having issues with sex - the best thing you can do is to talk with her about them. Find out what her issues are. See how you can work on things together. But if you are thinking that your options are cheating on her or divorcing her - then, yes, you are a far cry from the world's greatest husband.
I never claimed to be the world's greatest husband. And I can understand that I don't come across all that well. However, my feelings are very real, even though you may disagree. I guess it makes people feel good to resort to name calling, which actually reveals a lot about your level of character as well.
Would you not consider someone who is contemplating suicide because they cant eat a gallon of ice cream 7 days a week an addict? Or someone who cant go a day without snorting a line of coke? It's the same thing. If you cant live without it and are contemplating destructive, irrational, and damaging behavior because of it, you need to seek counseling ASAP.
I don't believe this is even 10% your wife's issue.
Appreciate everyone's thoughts on this: My wife and I are in our late 30s, busy professional people, with a young child. We have been together for 10 years. Our libidos are mismatched; I'd like to have sex almost every day and she could be ok with one day per week. We have tried to meet in the middle but I don't feel satisfied.
She has a lack of desire, doesn't feel great about her body, and isn't comfortable with foreplay. Feels like I'm the only one who benefits from the sex and I don't like that. It feels empty.
I feel very hurt by her lack of desire for me. It makes me feel ugly, worthless and unwanted. I have tried talking about this with her and others and it does no good. I feel this pain that never lets up. I know there are couples out there who make love every day. I'm extremely jealous; why can't we be like that? I feel I'm nearing a breaking point.
You sound like the majority of married men I know. Occasionally, its the women that want more sex, but that usually when the man has lost his sex drive. Like one of my co-workers always says "Cheaper to keep her".
I have read the entire thread and no one here as called you any names. Some are laughing derisively because you're "suicidal" over having sex a paltry three times a week, which is more than most married people get it after a few years.
Your post comes across as highly immature and not the product of someone 40 years old. You want to have "fun," you want to kill yourself because you erroneously believe most others get sex every day. You shouldn't compare yourself as a couple to any other couple. You have no way of knowing whether your friends/colleagues ever have sex. What they say and what they do could be radically diferrent.
You are the one with the issue, not your wife. She wants it once a week but is compromising and having it 3 times a week. Most of my colleagues are in their early 40's and we discuss sex frequently. None of them are having sex as much as you, not even close.
As one poster stated earlier, it feels more like it's done out of obligation - not love or genuine enjoyment.
I was jabbing you about no sympathy because I fall into the 1-2 times a month category!
Sometimes just knowing that your spouse WANTs to have sex with you is more important than simply having sex out of sympathy or some type of obligation. Even if your having sex 2 or 3 times a week, I can see how that would be unfulfilling if you feel your wife is simply doing the deed to keep the peace and not out of a desire to be with you...
I can honestly say that I was in your shoes a few years back.. sorta. My wife's sex drive dropped off considerably while mine stayed basically the same... At first it was very aggravating to me. I was hurt, mad, angry all wrap up into one. It started to consume me. I would think about it all day long.. wondering will I get some tonight, blah blah blah. What would typically happen is I would put soo much pressure on having sex TONIGHT that when it didn't happen, i would be pissed.. and start a fight... not healthy as you can imagine.
This went on for several months until I stopped dwelling on it... Once I decided to not get my hopes too high.. to not allow sex or lack there of to consume my every minute....things started to mellow out some. Things got much better for me. I still was NOT getting sex as often as I wanted but when I did get it, it was my wife who initiated it, who made me feel wanted and loved... those times would simply hold me over for several weeks.. sure I would love to have sex more often but I certainly don't want to go back to the days of lack of sex consuming my every thought...
One thing that I learned through all of this is that I cannot control my wife's desires.. but I can control mine. And by controlling mine, my wife's improved.
I never claimed to be the world's greatest husband. And I can understand that I don't come across all that well. However, my feelings are very real, even though you may disagree. I guess it makes people feel good to resort to name calling, which actually reveals a lot about your level of character as well.
Pretty much all I've gotten from your posts is that you're saying it's your wife's fault that your libido went up and hers didn't.
People are astounded/flabbergasted/mocking of you because you've laid everything that is "wrong" at your wife's feet and said "own it". She has body issues, she has lack of desire, she's "intentionally denying me pleasure" (good grief ), she isn't comfortable with foreplay, etc. Couple that with what is also perceived (at least by myself) as a great deal of selfishness on your part, and you might start to see why some of the more recent responses are, shall we say, less hospitable than at the beginning of the thread. Everything you posted is all about why it's her fault, and all about your pleasure and your pursuit of it, and nothing about her happiness or enjoyment.
Here's the big issue to me, and it was mentioned earlier in the thread: Maybe, just maybe, your wife's "problem" is that the sex that SHE is having just isn't any good for her (for whatever reason). What would motivate HER to keep doing it if she's not enjoying it? You already stated it in your first post:
Quote:
Originally Posted by jamesjameson52
Feels like I'm the only one who benefits from the sex and I don't like that. It feels empty.
She's telling you, straight out: I'm not enjoying this. It's not fun for me. And what have you done except completely disregard HER feelings on the issue? You seem to think she should have sex with you anyway, solely for your benefit, but I'm sorry to inform you that that's not likely to happen in "the real world" and is really a grossly unfair thing to ask of your spouse.
Frankly, if she was half as selfish as you've made yourself sound in your posts you probably wouldn't be getting any sex at all. Perhaps that is something to consider when lamenting how "bad" you have it.
One thing that I learned through all of this is that I cannot control my wife's desires.. but I can control mine. And by controlling mine, my wife's improved.
Wise words. Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but very real, nonetheless.
...She has a lack of desire, doesn't feel great about her body, and isn't comfortable with foreplay. Feels like I'm the only one who benefits from the sex and I don't like that. ....
I can't say I'd fault you for being unhappy with her verdict.
But given: no desire on her part, negative feelings about her body and her distaste for foreplay----it's not difficult to see why she feels you are the only one who benefits from having sex. It sounds as if she is submitting to sex out of duty or just to keep the peace; thus, from her point of view, you are the only beneficiary.
Maybe a situation like this is best dealt with through marriage counseling, if you can afford it. I'd be afraid with the two of you, according to your description, having such polar positions aren't likely to get far trying to work it out on your own. Sounds like you might both benefit from having a neutral party involved trying to help you two resolve this.
Personally, I think "you" are being unrealistic! Everyday is out of the picture once the kiddies come along. She's in her late 30's, her hormones could also be changing. IMO you should feel lucky (no pun intended) that you get it once or twice a week. Is it possible you may have an addiction that needs some counseling? Everyday is not normal.
Every day is normal for some people, but reality tends to get in the way. People who want to keep up the pace shouldn't have kids. To some extent it's a matter of priorities.
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), she isn't comfortable with foreplay, etc. Couple that with what is also perceived (at least by myself) as a great deal of selfishness on your part, and you might start to see why some of the more recent responses are, shall we say, less hospitable than at the beginning of the thread. Everything you posted is all about why it's her fault, and all about your pleasure and your pursuit of it, and nothing about her happiness or enjoyment.
