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Appreciate everyone's thoughts on this: My wife and I are in our late 30s, busy professional people, with a young child. We have been together for 10 years. Our libidos are mismatched; I'd like to have sex almost every day and she could be ok with one day per week. We have tried to meet in the middle but I don't feel satisfied.
She has a lack of desire, doesn't feel great about her body, and isn't comfortable with foreplay. Feels like I'm the only one who benefits from the sex and I don't like that. It feels empty.
I feel very hurt by her lack of desire for me. It makes me feel ugly, worthless and unwanted. I have tried talking about this with her and others and it does no good. I feel this pain that never lets up. I know there are couples out there who make love every day. I'm extremely jealous; why can't we be like that? I feel I'm nearing a breaking point.
Appreciate everyone's thoughts on this: My wife and I are in our late 30s, busy professional people, with a young child. We have been together for 10 years. Our libidos are mismatched; I'd like to have sex almost every day and she could be ok with one day per week. We have tried to meet in the middle but I don't feel satisfied.
She has a lack of desire, doesn't feel great about her body, and isn't comfortable with foreplay. Feels like I'm the only one who benefits from the sex and I don't like that. It feels empty.
I feel very hurt by her lack of desire for me. It makes me feel ugly, worthless and unwanted. I have tried talking about this with her and others and it does no good. I feel this pain that never lets up. I know there are couples out there who make love every day. I'm extremely jealous; why can't we be like that? I feel I'm nearing a breaking point.
Has it always been this way or has it gotten worse since you had the child?
What are your schedules like? You said you are both working professionals and you have a child. Is it realistic to expect it every day? If so, what are you doing to help initiate frequent sex (helping around the house, assisting with your child, splitting the work load etc)?
Children often destroy sex lives, but sometimes a couple's sex life may not have been much better beforehand. Even though your wife isn't working outside the home, it can be tiring to take care of a child and the house all day, every day. You get a break by going to work - she doesn't get a change of pace or of scenery.
If you can arrange breaks for her, perhaps having a family member or baby-sitter take the child for a while each week, things may improve. Or, they may not. It sounds like she may also have personal issues that will continue to interfere with her libido. Maybe you can help with those by complimenting and assuring her.
Bottom line, is that this is a common problem that doesn't have an easy or quick solution, and may have no satisfactory solution from your perspective. However, it's much too soon to give up, so I wish you luck.
Appreciate everyone's thoughts on this: My wife and I are in our late 30s, busy professional people, with a young child. We have been together for 10 years. Our libidos are mismatched; I'd like to have sex almost every day and she could be ok with one day per week. We have tried to meet in the middle but I don't feel satisfied.
She has a lack of desire, doesn't feel great about her body, and isn't comfortable with foreplay. Feels like I'm the only one who benefits from the sex and I don't like that. It feels empty.
I feel very hurt by her lack of desire for me. It makes me feel ugly, worthless and unwanted. I have tried talking about this with her and others and it does no good. I feel this pain that never lets up. I know there are couples out there who make love every day. I'm extremely jealous; why can't we be like that? I feel I'm nearing a breaking point.
Well, ARE you the only one benefitting from sex? Maybe that is the problem? Does she orgasm when you have sex?
I can't imagine I'd be excited about having sex everyday if there was no benefit to it.
Also, the fact that she doesn't feel great about her body is a hard one. I've been there, done that. It's REALLY hard to feel attractive when you've had a baby, have stretch marks, maybe some extra weight, boobs that don't look like they did pre-baby...etc. When your whole body changes it's hard to see it as something positive, especially if you are moving further away from the "ideal" that is plastered all over TV and magazines.
She may need to come to terms with that before she's going to want to get naked everyday in front of someone else. Sometimes it's hard enough just looking in the mirror. She may not enjoy sex because maybe she just can't relax when the clothes come off.
Wanting sex only once per week is not abnormal, nor is wanting it every day. The problem is, as you say that you are mismatched. There are a few ways you could deal with this, but it all depends upon what you are comfortable with:
1. You could watch porn on the days she doesn't want to have sex.
2. Although she may not be willing to have full intercourse with you every day, then she might be willing to do things with you that require less effort and energy on her part. I can't be specific for obvious reasons.
3. You could agree to an open relationship.
If none of the above are comfortable options for one or both of you, then I'm not sure how this issue can be solved. Since you say you are at your breaking point, I assume that implies you are considering a divorce over this.
1. You could watch porn on the days she doesn't want to have sex.
2. Although she may not be willing to have full intercourse with you every day, then she might be willing to do things with you that require less effort and energy on her part. I can't be specific for obvious reasons.
3. You could agree to an open relationship.
If she has issues with how her body looks, I would NOT go in this direction, at least not openly. She will be comparing herself to the images on the TV/Computer that turn you on, and that will only make things worse for her.
I'm not anti-porn at all...but I think you need to tread lightly here if you want to make progress.
I increased after the child while she stayed the same.
So her sex drive hasn't decreased, yours has increased?
I'm sure there are many couples who do have sex daily, but I don't think that should be the standard you hold your relationship to. I really encourage you not to compare your sex life to those of others, especially because you only know what people tell you, and that isn't always the truth.
10 years is a long time to be together for her not to be comfortable with foreplay. Is there something from her past that may have contributed to her lack of sex drive, or disinterest?
If her sex drive hasn't changed but yours has increased, I would be cautious of approaching her from the angle of her having a problem. There are so many external and lifestyle factors that contribute to lack of intimacy so you have to make sure to explore health issues for either of you and examine the way your daily life goes. What is your relationship like beyond the bedroom?
Well, ARE you the only one benefitting from sex? Maybe that is the problem? Does she orgasm when you have sex?
I can't imagine I'd be excited about having sex everyday if there was no benefit to it.
Also, the fact that she doesn't feel great about her body is a hard one. I've been there, done that. It's REALLY hard to feel attractive when you've had a baby, have stretch marks, maybe some extra weight, boobs that don't look like they did pre-baby...etc. When your whole body changes it's hard to see it as something positive, especially if you are moving further away from the "ideal" that is plastered all over TV and magazines.
She may need to come to terms with that before she's going to want to get naked everyday in front of someone else. Sometimes it's hard enough just looking in the mirror. She may not enjoy sex because maybe she just can't relax when the clothes come off.
Good post.
I'd like to add: Just how young is your "young child"? Not EVER getting enough sleep can absolutely kill a woman's sex drive. Don't try to rationalize this away by saying "but sex will help you RELAX" because that's a crock and she knows that. When my daughter was a baby and a toddler and I was working full-time, my fantasies revolved around the unattainable dream of having a night of sufficient sleep. If you had asked me what my ideal vacation would be, I would have said a hotel room by myself with no one calling me or bothering me or asking me to do anything for them, just me and a bed and maybe a book.
I'm also curious to learn that your sex drive has gone up since the baby was born. I am just making a guess here, but are you having some issues where you expected to get the same amount of attention from your wife that you got before the child came? That's not realistic, as I'm sure you would agree on a logical basis, but I'm wondering if subconsciously, you are feeling a little put out because you're not Number One right now.
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