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I'm not even going to touch the whole "used to be gay" thing, so I'll move onto the other situation.
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Originally Posted by surfergirl2007
But my question to everyone, especially the guys is this...do you think he would harbor any long term resentment towards me if I just told him that I want him to end his friendship with her?
Yes! This woman has been in his life for 16 years and is his best friend. You may not care for her, but for better or worse, she IS his best friend, someone who he confides in, and who has been with him through thick and thin and who has been in his life for much longer than you have. I think giving an ultimatum is among the worst things you could possibly do.
I can only speak for myself as every individual is different, but if any woman I was dating told me to outright to get rid of certain friends, that would be the end of the relationship. To compromise and be accomodating (as your husband is doing by permitting you to read his emails) is one thing, but to just outright end a strong relationship due to the other partner's jealousy...no way.
I appreciate all your replies. Well, I did tell him how I feel and I didn't even mean to. After we'd "been together" one night, he said, "I have to go email BFF and tell her what time a TV show is on that she likes." I didn't mean to, but I really lost it! I was screaming and crying and told him that I am good enough to have sex with, but he wants to spend all the rest of his time on the computer emailing BFF. He has cut back somewhat on the emails to her but I feel that it is only because I got so angry with him and that it is only a matter of time before he sneaks behind my back. I know my life would be so much happier if I didn't have to worry about him and this woman. I'm so glad she lives a thousand miles away. But my question to everyone, especially the guys is this...do you think he would harbor any long term resentment towards me if I just told him that I want him to end his friendship with her?
Oh my goodness - don't do that. He has done nothing wrong and it would be awful for you to do that to him. He's not hiding anything - and if he starts to it's because you are being so paranoid. He lets you read the emails.
Maybe examine why you don't think you have that closeness with him and see what you can do to get that - it sounds like you have some self esteem issues.
I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone who happens to be gay by my statement "he used to be gay." Maybe most people can't "turn it on and off" regarding homosexuality, but I really never worry too much about it because he spent the whole first part of his life before he met me miserable and all alone. He has said many times he would never go back to that lifestyle because of all the unhappiness it brought him. He said he enjoys our sex life so very much, that I am patient, loving, etc. So I don't worry about that aspect of his personality resurfacing.
But about this woman....she is a manipulator and he can't even see it. I really can't talk to our mutual friends about her because everyone thinks she's so sweet and innocent. That's why I've come here so I can have honest dialogue about how I really feel. I really feel that she never went after my hubby when he was practicing the gay lifestyle (is that way of putting it less offensive?) because she felt like she couldn't get him because of his being gay. Now that he has married a woman and obviously has some heterosexual feelings, I think she feels he is fair game. She flirts with him (even though just over the computer) and flatters him to extremes. It's just making me crazy to have to put up with all the attention he gives her. If I feel insecure about her, I think he should be willing to break off contact with her. I know they've been friends for many years, but I'm his wife and marriage should trump friendship.
I still think that this is a problem that you have to deal with yourself. If all of this is true - you will look like the shrew and she will still look sweet and innocent. But - and we are not there - it sounds like you are just jealous plain and simply making more of it than there is. If you make him choose - he will resent you.
I don't understand how someone turns off the gay switch. You are what you are. Could someone stop being heterosexual overnight?
He still struggles with it, but he is very active in church and knows he can never go back to the lifestyle because everyone would be against him. He has too much to lose if he goes back to it--he is very active in the church. And when we are together, I know it is me he is thinking of. He just needs support and patience to overcome any homosexual feelings he may have.
He still struggles with it, but he is very active in church and knows he can never go back to the lifestyle because everyone would be against him. He has too much to lose if he goes back to it--he is very active in the church. And when we are together, I know it is me he is thinking of. He just needs support and patience to overcome any homosexual feelings he may have.
This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, homosexuality is not a "lifestyle." It's not a choice. It's who you are.
Second - everyone would be against him if he no longer denied who he really is? Wow. Great bunch of people there. I though there was a passage in the Bible that said, "Judge not, lest ye be judged."
I really feel sorry for your husband. I can't imagine feeling like I have to pretend to be something I'm not, and basically live a lie, in order to feel accepted.
Look at it this way. What if you woke up one morning, and you were told that you had to convert to homosexuality, or else be ostracized and condemned to hell? Think about it - because that's exactly what your husband is being told he has to do.
I'm sorry but I think there is a problem here. He's Gay and a lot of gay guys have girls for best friends, I would love a best friend gay guy, I love them. The other problem is you said twice, he is active in church. Church only lasts a couple of hours and he is staying close to the church to ward off any feelings of being gay. My humble opinion, such as it is, is that the problem is that he is GAY, not that he has a BFF that is a woman.
This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, homosexuality is not a "lifestyle." It's not a choice. It's who you are.
Second - everyone would be against him if he no longer denied who he really is? Wow. Great bunch of people there. I though there was a passage in the Bible that said, "Judge not, lest ye be judged."
I really feel sorry for your husband. I can't imagine feeling like I have to pretend to be something I'm not, and basically live a lie, in order to feel accepted.
Look at it this way. What if you woke up one morning, and you were told that you had to convert to homosexuality, or else be ostracized and condemned to hell? Think about it - because that's exactly what your husband is being told he has to do.
I think that he has gained a lot more than he has lost for turning his back on the way he used to live. He now has instant acceptance from everyone--he never has to second guess if people like him. He knew that his being gay really flew in the face of his Christian values; therefore it was always such a struggle for him. He has never regretted getting married because he now has a very strong support system to make sure he never returns to his former activities. I know he is very capable of being sexually satisfied with a woman because I am proof of it. I know he really wants me when we are together. And it is because of this that I know he is capable of being attracted to his BFF for more than friendship. This is what I am here to discuss. That is my concern--not that he will swing back the other way. Maybe it is not right that the people at church only accept him because he is married, but it is keeping my man at home--we are in a new town since last year so nobody knows he has homosexuality in his past. He loves it and does not want to mess up.
He now has instant acceptance from everyone--he never has to second guess if people like him.
He has conditional acceptance. Big difference. He's also living with the knowledge that to be accepted among certain people, he has to lie to everyone, as well as himself.
But, like you said, you're not here to discuss that. You're here to discuss the fact that you can't handle him having a close friend who happens to be a woman.
As others have told you, it is wrong, wrong, WRONG to demand that he break the friendship. First you want him to deny who he is, then deny him one friend who would be there for him no matter what? That's not love. Not even close. That's YOUR insecurity, and he shouldn't have to pay for it.
If you TRULY love him, and I mean REALLY love him, you need to allow him the freedom to choose his friends. You're wanting to control every aspect of his life, and that's something NO ONE should do. You married him - you don't own him, and you're not his parent.
You need to get help dealing with your own insecurities, and let your husband have his friend.
One thing's for sure - if he wants to be with someone else, you won't be able to stop him. What you're doing puts you in danger of driving him away, and making him resent you. Do you really want that? Do you really think he'll be happy, living a lie, and denied the one friend who values him for who he really is, not what everyone wants him to be?
Part of me thinks it's not just your insecurity about her "stealing" him from you. Part of me thinks it's because she knows who he really is, and is a reminder of it - as if you want him to break every connection from his "gay lifestyle."
Geeze I can't even understand why you would want to destroy his friendship unless it is your pure jealousy, get over it. Get over it before he decides that your not worth the trouble.
If your so sure that it is you that he wants, whats the problem here?
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