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Being frustrated is one thing, but you called your husband/life partner/father of your children a DOLT to a bunch of strangers. That's messed up. I feel bad for the guy. Its nasty business calling him names behind his back.
Trust me I've told him to his face too. But we have different opinions and I hope we can agree to disagree.
Yep, I should have no feelings at all simply because he provides a roof and is kind. I should never try to better myself because he grew up here and refuses to even think about moving even after promising me originally that this was not a permanent situation. I should not think about how crappy the schools are and how services for son are non existant unless you are dirt poor or you drive 90 min one way and we all know how pricey gas is. I'm stuck in a house that needs repairs and not just cosmetic. I should not break up my family even though the kids are learning at his knee that it's OK to be irresponsible, lazy and to procrastinate even at the cost of others.
Have you ever heard the saying "you can only control your 50% of any situation"?
I'm with you and be forewarned that as time goes on, it is more likely than not that as you age, you will continue to carry the load for both of you and it gets very hard. I would sit down and tell him that this is the way it is and see what ideas he has and if it isn't a match and you can't compromise and that means living in a place you both find desirable, get out now and don't wait. He has been this way too long and has gotten away with it and I am sure he gets total support from his family. Life is too short and lowering your expectations? You'll end up in therapy and "feel good" prescriptions just to get by. I say, go for it! I bet the kids will understand and 1 or more will wonder why you waited so long!
Nope. I agree but not sure what you expect me to do at this point.
Suck it up and suffer according to a lot of people here
Sounds like you have a lot of anger. Women tend to get fed up and become shrill - like your name calling. Men show it physically - not by hitting - but by falling behind on their responsibilities.
I'm an advocate of the long view, especially in regards to your kids. Probably because I was the kid who suffered because of my family's inertia - being held to a place by ties rather than for productive, affirmative reasons. I entered university at 20, rather than 18, because I basically retook the science, math and English courses that I should have achieved during high school at a community college. The schools I attended as a kid were that crappy. When the jobs my mate and I had relocated to a different part of the country, and we were expected to go or be laid off, both our families were disapproving of us hauling stakes. "Why can't you stay here? I'm sure you can find something to get by until things improve." Uh huh. Stick around, "getting by" on jobs that gross $20-22K/year? Watching the skills for which we were degreed become rusty? Not to mention that we were looking at the future impact to our lives. People tend to not think of their retirement, which is something you are influencing 20-30 years before it actually occurs. I asked our folks if they were going to leave us an inheritance to cover the years we were not able to contribute to a retirement fund because we were just making enough to "get by". Those people would likely be dead by the time we hit retirement, yet they were trying to influence that time of our lives.
People here are going to continue yammering at the emotional words of your first post. Wipe that slate clean and stop thinking about how your current conditions make you feel. Sit down, write down, your projections for the future of you, your marriage and - especially - your kids, based on the conditions you are living under now. If the objective projections are not affirmative; if they don't provide for a future than moves forward and makes your life better; and your husband still doesn't care, then you would be justified in taking action.
Last edited by silverwing; 04-26-2012 at 06:36 AM..
silverwing
You have also offered some great advice, like I mentioned upthread I wasn't in a great place when I wrote this the other day. I think part of the problem with this post was it got moved to relationships from general moving. But either way, I have gotten some good advice and will be looking into options. I know I need to go back to counceling again for us, it's just so difficult to get in anywhere around here and driving 'out of town' just adds issues.
Your story with wanting to move to follow your job sounds like here. The schools too.
OP, the time has long passed to discuss where you're going to live. That type of thing typically happens before marriage — not after. Now you're in Michigan in Bunk, population 7,000, and because a close gal pal of mine lived there, I know the hell of which you speak.
Obviously, something needs to change in your marriage. I would suggest that you need to be able to get out of this place more frequently — if you have something to look forward to, that sort of dulls the pain. But whatever you do, take into consideration the best interests of your children, whatever that may be. And it could be that they are in fact better off elsewhere. But approach this logically and preferably with the help of a good family counselor.
That said, if S.O. tried to move me to a small town in the N.E., I would tell him to take a hike. Thankfully, we have already discussed this issue and are in concurrence.
Nope. I agree but not sure what you expect me to do at this point.
I would expect you to act like a mature adult and not use name calling as a tool against the man who supports you and your kids. You really make yourself look bad when you talk that way. Do you speak like that around your children?
That's one thing we never did really discuss was a place finally settle. I think he just assumed we would live here because he lived in the same house his whole life growing up. My family moved every 18 months or so and I lived in 3 states and went to 6 elementary schools, 3 Jr Highs and 2 High schools scattered among 2 states. So picking a permanent place to settle never really occured to me so yes we are guilty of not planning for that.
It's a work in progress for sure and I hope we can come to some sort of compromise, after all, I willing left my 'home' state and town because he hated it there.
I would expect you to act like a mature adult and not use name calling as a tool against the man who supports you and your kids. You really make yourself look bad when you talk that way. Do you speak like that around your children?
You know what? I had a long post here to reply to you but it seems that no matter what I say you are hung up on the fact that I'm upset and called my husband a name, not even a truely bad one either. Actually, if you reread you will see that I just agreed with a poster who used the word. Also please feel free to look up dolt, since it is an actual term. Now I'm going to stop answering you because you really seem like you just want to fight. Now who's being mature?
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