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I see dating profiles in which the person was in a 5,7 or 11, year relationship( NOT MARRIED) and they state they JUST GOT OUT OF IT, I want to say TAKE A CHILL PILL WILL YA?!.
Often times you have to deal with their insecurities and "be careful" because they are still "healing" from the last situation.
I've had women tell me: "TJ, you have to be patient with me, I got out of a _______ year long relationship. I'm much more cautious and careful than before blah, blah, blah"
WTF?! People, get some help first. Get your mind right. I'm not trying to deal with your issues. Those are for you to deal with.
TAKE A BREAK and spare all of us!!!
Yep. One of the hardest things for people to do is to learn to be alone after so long with another. I understand we are not wired to be alone, and we all want touch and affection, but this is a big problem. That, along with the societal pressures to be "in relationship," and folks just don't have the patience or the strength to be alone and wait. Wait for the right person, not just take anyone who shows up.
Not trying to be sarcastic, Cpg, but how in the world can you change whom you click with?
You? Sarcastic? Get out of here. No way. Pshaw.
Actually, I had always kind of had this preconceived notion of the woman I wanted to be with. So that was the kind I always dated. I think I mistook artistic sensibilities for emotional depth, when artsy people can actually be just as shallow -- and even more self-absorbed -- as the rest of humanity. Essentially, I had blinders on.
So I cleared my palate, so to speak. When I finally made up my mind to get back out there, I pretty much decided to date anybody cute, interesting and fun who crossed my radar screen, and not care about how she felt about poetry and literature.
And along comes MrsCPG. In many ways the total opposite of what I would have dated before. Totally not self-absorbed. Totally down-to-earth and grounded. Never broods. Funny. Creates life, beauty, and love wherever she goes. And hotter than flowing lava. The chemistry was instantaneous. But when I first began dating her, a lot of my friends were scratching their collective heads because she was so utterly different than all my past girlfriends. In fact, from time to time we bump into a past flame of mind and she always asks, "Tell me why you started dating me again?"
I say minimum 3-6 months break before attempting to date again. Longer if relationship was > 5 years or was marriage. People need to enjoy their single life for a while, what is the hurry?
And this is true. But I have been "enjoying" the single life for most all of my adult life, and I have been ready for years to be in partnership. I want the right person, not just any person, but it's so hard not to move quickly after so much time alone and knowing exactly what I want.
But I do my best.
It's not a hurry for hurry's sake, but a hurry because I am not super young anymore...
I just can't understand how it can be done in practice. Intellectually, I do understand the flaws of the people I'm attracted to, but there's nothing I can do to force myself to go for a different kind. OK, I stand corrected... I have done it and it is doable, but that's not what makes me truly happy.
A lot of people are involved with someone new (or have someone on their radar) long before the first relationship ends. So, it's nothing for them to be with a new face, shortly after a breakup. For some, the new mate is used as a "rebound" to help them recover. But, I don't understand it. When you're in a rebound relationship you spend a significant amount of time focusing on your previous one. Focusing on what could have been, what went wrong, wondering if you did the right thing in splitting up and lots more besides. All the time you focus on your old relationship you are draining the potential of your current one to be successful. So, I agree with TheHitman. I think one should take time to heal and find out about the person within, instead of walking into something fresh, carrying old baggage.
Depends on the situation. My ex moved out in November and I had my first date with someone else the day after Christmas. My ex started dating a week or so later. The marriage was long done, we were friends at the time, and we were free to move on. I was also clear with the people I dated that I did not want a relationship or a commitment. I just wanted to get out and socialize. No one I went out with had any problems with that.
However, I do agree that "you'll have to be patient with me, I just got out of a relationship" is b.s. If you are still wounded and hurting, and you can't jump into dating with enthusiasm and a sense of fun, you need to not be dating, period.
Given how many posters on this board make the same basic boneheaded decisions over and over and over and over again, this is excellent advice. Clear your head. Hit the Reset button. Rethink your approach.
I'm in a committed relationship now. It's the first truly healthy relationship that I've experienced in a very long time. Perhaps ever. He's completely different than anyone I've ever been with before. And honestly? Ten years ago, he would not have appealed to me at all because he's very low-key, low-drama and analytical. I went for passionate, artistic types.
I took at least a year after my break-up with the last passionate, dramatic ex to sort things out. During this time, I didn't even date. One, I didn't want to. And secondly, I figured that if all of my past relationships had failed, there was a common denominator, and that was me. I was choosing the same man over and over. I wasn't giving the emotionally healthy guys a chance.
Taking a break and being truly alone was refreshing. A close gal pal jumps from relationship to relationship. (For example, she's had four "serious" relationships in the past year that I can count.) She could not for the life of her understand why I refused to date. To her mind, not having a date on Friday and Saturday night = epic FAIL. Staying home alone? Loserville!
I think that women tend to pressure each other to date or couple up.
I'm in a committed relationship now. It's the first truly healthy relationship that I've experienced in a very long time. Perhaps ever. He's completely different than anyone I've ever been with before. And honestly? Ten years ago, he would not have appealed to me at all because he's very low-key, low-drama and analytical. I went for passionate, artistic types.
I took at least a year after my break-up with the last passionate, dramatic ex to sort things out. During this time, I didn't even date. One, I didn't want to. And secondly, I figured that if all of my past relationships had failed, there was a common denominator, and that was me. I was choosing the same man over and over. I wasn't giving the emotionally healthy guys a chance.
Taking a break and being truly alone was refreshing. A close gal pal jumps from relationship to relationship. (For example, she's had four "serious" relationships in the past year that I can count.) She could not for the life of her understand why I refused to date. To her mind, not having a date on Friday and Saturday night = epic FAIL. Staying home alone? Loserville!
I think that women tend to pressure each other to date or couple up.
Your experiences are exactly what I went through.
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