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Old 04-28-2012, 12:27 PM
 
28 posts, read 74,508 times
Reputation: 39

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I'm trying to be sympathetic to how she feels.

My man proposed to me a month ago today. We shared the news with our family and friends but I guess we left someone out. When my Fiancé's baby mama, we'll call her Tess, dropped off their son (her mom has her son most the time and that's who normally drops him off) yesterday she noticed the ring on my finger and I shared the news with her. She said congratulations and didn't show any disdain towards hearing the news. Let me say that her and I are cordial, there's never been any drama, ever. I've always thought she was a sweet person. We've even hung out a few times.

This morning I get a call from my Fiancé's grandmother saying Tess called her very upset. She said that Tess was upset at the news of us getting married and felt that it was a slap in the face because she gave my Fiancé six years of her life and a son, how could he marry me after only three years. How could he marry someone who doesn't even want kids. My initial reaction was to call Tess and curse her the f*%# out but I remembered that I'm suppose to have compassion & empathy towards others (I've been meditating for the pass few weeks and I'm learning to be more positive). I told my Fiancé about this and he also reminded me of my reasons for meditation, he said that this is probably my first test, lol.

I'm struggling with it though. First off, I can't sympathize with any woman who thinks a man is suppose to marry them because they have a kid together, I never knew she felt this way. Secondly, how dare she imply that me not wanting kids is some flaw men should be repulsed by? I feel she got it backwards: men should be repulsed by women trying to trap them by having their child. They've been broken up for 4 years, she doesn't have a right to be upset. I WANT to be sympathetic but it's eluding me.

Any advice?


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Old 04-28-2012, 12:32 PM
 
2,094 posts, read 3,637,057 times
Reputation: 2295
Don't even bother to get into it with her you will just look trashy.Rise above it.Deep breath.
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Old 04-28-2012, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Reno, NV
5,987 posts, read 10,426,939 times
Reputation: 10808
Laugh in her face next time - if there is a next time. Don't let the drama overtake you.
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Old 04-28-2012, 12:33 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,627,920 times
Reputation: 10379
Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomlySpecific View Post
I'm trying to be sympathetic to how she feels.

My man proposed to me a month ago today. We shared the news with our family and friends but I guess we left someone out. When my Fiancé's baby mama, we'll call her Tess, dropped off their son (her mom has her son most the time and that's who normally drops him off) yesterday she noticed the ring on my finger and I shared the news with her. She said congratulations and didn't show any disdain towards hearing the news. Let me say that her and I are cordial, there's never been any drama, ever. I've always thought she was a sweet person. We've even hung out a few times.

This morning I get a call from my Fiancé's grandmother saying Tess called her very upset. She said that Tess was upset at the news of us getting married and felt that it was a slap in the face because she gave my Fiancé six years of her life and a son, how could he marry me after only three years. How could he marry someone who doesn't even want kids. My initial reaction was to call Tess and curse her the f*%# out but I remembered that I'm suppose to have compassion & empathy towards others (I've been meditating for the pass few weeks and I'm learning to be more positive). I told my Fiancé about this and he also reminded me of my reasons for meditation, he said that this is probably my first test, lol.

I'm struggling with it though. First off, I can't sympathize with any woman who thinks a man is suppose to marry them because they have a kid together, I never knew she felt this way. Secondly, how dare she imply that me not wanting kids is some flaw men should be repulsed by? I feel she got it backwards: men should be repulsed by women trying to trap them by having their child. They've been broken up for 4 years, she doesn't have a right to be upset. I WANT to be sympathetic but it's eluding me.

Any advice?


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Stay out of it. When his grandmother called you should have cut her off by telling her, "That is between fiance and her, give him a call about this." Your fiance and woman he knocked up are going to be tied together until the child grows up. Do not get involved in their drama, because all it will do is ruin your own relationship.
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Old 04-28-2012, 12:34 PM
 
3,059 posts, read 8,244,374 times
Reputation: 3281
I think your fiance must have had some idea of how she would react, if they were together for 6 years. True he doesn't owe her anything, but IMHO it would have been a decent thing to do to have had a quiet word with her and broke the news to her so that she didn't have to find out like she did.

Kudos to you for staying in control and not letting Tess have it when your fiance's grandmother repeated what Tess told her. And THAT conversation should not have been repeated to you - granny should have kept it to herself.
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Old 04-28-2012, 12:58 PM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,578 posts, read 20,016,492 times
Reputation: 28598
Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomlySpecific View Post
I told my Fiancé about this and he also reminded me of my reasons for meditation, he said that this is probably my first test, lol.

It probably is.


People will come out of the woodwork, pushing your buttons left and right when you're trying to change the way you handle situations...lol

As much as I can imagine you want to have your say....let it go! Practice holding/releasing negative energy.

Brush your shoulder off and keep going!
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Old 04-28-2012, 01:35 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,058,312 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshineleith View Post
I think your fiance must have had some idea of how she would react, if they were together for 6 years. True he doesn't owe her anything, but IMHO it would have been a decent thing to do to have had a quiet word with her and broke the news to her so that she didn't have to find out like she did.

Kudos to you for staying in control and not letting Tess have it when your fiance's grandmother repeated what Tess told her. And THAT conversation should not have been repeated to you - granny should have kept it to herself.
That for one - he should have told her.

Also - don't take it personally. I know that's hard but she's upset for herself. I doubt it really has much to do with you specifically. It sounds to me (and this is just based off the reaction you described in the OP - obviously I don't know her at all) that she is or was in love with him. Maybe she had hoped that they would get married. This is about her own hurt and jealousy. Hopefully, she'll deal with her feelings and be able to be okay with it all.
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Old 04-28-2012, 02:13 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,627,920 times
Reputation: 10379
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshineleith View Post
I think your fiance must have had some idea of how she would react, if they were together for 6 years. True he doesn't owe her anything, but IMHO it would have been a decent thing to do to have had a quiet word with her and broke the news to her so that she didn't have to find out like she did.

Kudos to you for staying in control and not letting Tess have it when your fiance's grandmother repeated what Tess told her. And THAT conversation should not have been repeated to you - granny should have kept it to herself.
Oh yes he does owe her something. She is the mother of his child, and as such he owes her with respect and dignity. If she is a shrew - and there is no evidence of that on this thread - then that would be his problem.

He should have told her. If I were the OP, I would be concerned that if/when their marriage ends, I too will be treated with such callous disregard. After six years and a baby, he doesn't have the cojones to to be honest about something that will affect the lives of three people? He's not much of a man if you ask me.
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Old 04-28-2012, 02:53 PM
 
Location: US
5,139 posts, read 12,668,064 times
Reputation: 5385
Ok...well I can't say that women looks too good to me either. Baby before marriage and hanging around for 6 years. SHE chose to have that baby and SHE chose to hang around for 6 years. How is that any of the OP's fault?

He owes her child support and decent treatment. Not every detail on the nitty gritty of his new life. She is the ex. Just because she had a kid doesn't make her more worthy of private life details. She already knew the OP is around her kid. Other than that its really none of her beeswax. It seriously irritates me when women say "gave him a baby". It makes it sound like she didn't want it at all and was using it as a pawn to try to keep him around.

I think also by the grandmother reacting like this...seems like the baby's mother is trying to vilify it all by gossip. No wonder he didn't tell her. She sounds like a big bag of crazy.
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Old 04-28-2012, 03:03 PM
 
8,411 posts, read 7,372,241 times
Reputation: 6406
Why do you care again? She can't dictate your life. If you give her that power, you will be powerless.
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