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Well, I guess I accept the fact that I am, indeed, a verbal abuser. As much of a scumbag that makes me feel, I know I can change with enough work.
I called a hotline yesterday and told them my story. Talked to them about everything. Kinda like therapy, I guess, but free.
After finals I intend to jump on this problem and try to fix it. I want to learn self esteem and anger management. Books will probably be the first thing I will do.
I know everyone says therapy is the best way to go, but I would like to try trying to fix my problem first. If that works out, great. if not, I will get therapy.
As for the girl I did this all too, I am leaving her alone. If she ever needs me, I will be there for her and whatever she may need at the time, then go. I will give her her space and even though there is a 99% chance she lost all feelings for me and our relationship, I still have hope I suppose. Don't know why.
For now, just taking my finals, be done with school on friday. This summer will be a one of change for me, I want it to be.
...the only person that I show my anger AT ALL to is her.
This, my friend, is the cowardice mark of a woman beater. I strongly suggest you Google, and study, "the power and control wheel". *chuckles* You know what happens to a guy who gets incarcerated for beating a woman, right? They become somebody's *itch.
Well, I guess I accept the fact that I am, indeed, a verbal abuser. As much of a scumbag that makes me feel, I know I can change with enough work.
I called a hotline yesterday and told them my story. Talked to them about everything. Kinda like therapy, I guess, but free.
After finals I intend to jump on this problem and try to fix it. I want to learn self esteem and anger management. Books will probably be the first thing I will do.
I know everyone says therapy is the best way to go, but I would like to try trying to fix my problem first. If that works out, great. if not, I will get therapy.
As for the girl I did this all too, I am leaving her alone. If she ever needs me, I will be there for her and whatever she may need at the time, then go. I will give her her space and even though there is a 99% chance she lost all feelings for me and our relationship, I still have hope I suppose. Don't know why.
For now, just taking my finals, be done with school on friday. This summer will be a one of change for me, I want it to be.
Agreed, you should concentrate on finals right now.
If you spoke to a hotline, I'm certain they encouraged you to go into group or individual therapy, not books.
Books are not going to help. If you don't mind my asking, do you come from a home where there have been abuse issues between your parents?
]SOrry but you won't get me mad[/b]. I'm accepting I am a verbal abuser. I am getting help so I won't do it ever again. Say whatever you want, it won't do anything. As for you, well, whoever hurt you sure did f*** you over good. Your exactly what I don't wanna be, a petty pathetic b****. so either help contribute or leave, thanks.
So straight away you are abusing some stranger on a forum who has an opinion you find uncomfortable.
Obviously you have an extreme anger problem...you say I won't get you mad but in the next breath you are calling me a petty pathetic *****?
Grow up and own your own behaviour. No one MAKES you abuse them. You do it because it makes you feel good.
Agreed, you should concentrate on finals right now.
If you spoke to a hotline, I'm certain they encouraged you to go into group or individual therapy, not books.
Books are not going to help. If you don't mind my asking, do you come from a home where there have been abuse issues between your parents?
Have you been verbally abused?
no, I havent actually. Hence why I was even surprised I acted this way. In fact, I spent most of my life enclosed in my room. From about 7th grade to sophormore year of high school, id stay at home and play xbox or watch anime by myself and say i was happy that way.
not until junior year did i start going out and be a normal kid. guess i cant say it didnt effect me somehow. i guess i dont know how to deal with frustration.
but i doubt im going to prison..i dont hit women. and yeah yeah "the road ur going down eventually you will" well im dealing with it now. and of course it isnt just books im planning
im talking to more of my friends and eventually ill open up to my family about this. if it turns out i do need therapy then ill go
Look, I'm very for making this long but I need some advice.
Heres the WHOLE story.
I was a 17 year old kid, never had a girlfriend. Met this girl named Emma. Me and her became friends very quickly, which turned into hooking up and we eventually dated a month after we met. Things were amazing, we were amazingly in love and she was my first time having sex. However, a few months into the relationship I noticed she was texting her ex boyfriend, lets call him Caff. I was obviously upset at first but Emma told me she was done with him. Her ex had physically abused her and cheated on her with her best friend. She would tell me she just talked to him cause she wanted to. And I let it go, no matter how much it killed my self esteem and hurt me. And so, a month later, we broke up (for the first time). It turns out that first time we brokeup she kissed her ex that day. We got back together a few days later, and she didn't end up telling me about her kissing her ex a few months later. I was upset when she told me, but I forgave her.
I left for college. In college, about a week or two in, I yelled at her for not making time for me. This was one of a few times I freaked out on her, and she left me. She would ignore my calls and texts and so I got mad and cursed her out and said terrible things. So She blocked me from her phone and every social media. We were broken up for a few months until this January we got back together. And everything was great. It was like we never really brokeup. However, a few months in she said she wasen't over all the mean things I said to her, and she wanted to try being single since she was always in a relationship her whole life. I wasen't okay with it, but I agreed. So, we tried to be friends.
Now, a few weeks ago, we went to a dayglow concert. I got the tickets before we brokeup, but still I wanted her to go with her friends and have a good time regardless. I told her it would be a bad idea to see each other at the concert cause I'd just be hurting myself knowing I'd only see you for a few minutes and then she would leave me for her friends.
At the concert, I was drunk and for whatever reason, I felt like she was just using me for the concert and never planned on seeing me. So, I cursed her out through text. I left the concert, until she called me crying when she got the texts. I ran back to the concert to talk to her, but in my drunken state I guess it was all nonsense. She was upset, and being stubborn because I wanted to take her back to my dorm so I wouldn't get an underage. She wouldn't listen, so I yelled at her. She cried and I continued to yell.
Needless to say, the next day I tried apologizing but she wouldn't answer. She was going to end things just like she did last semester, so this made me mad. I cursed her out again through text.
This apparantly was the last straw. She says shes upset all the time and cries randomly for no reason. She says whenever I apologize now its bull****, and she never wants to get back together again. She doesn't even want to talk to me and she said to leave her alone.
I guess what I'm asking is, am i an emotional/verbal abuser, or am I just still holding in all the anger from her ****ing me over and making me feel second best to other guys when we were together?
Please, be honest. Thank you for your time
You're young, so I'll cut you slack.
First, it is never, ever acceptable to shout at someone in a disagreement. The fast you learn this, the better off you'll be. The first person who raises his voice is the person who has already lost the argument. You should be grateful that she gave you a second chance. And a third. She was giving you a break and you didn't even know it. You blew it.
Second, once someone breaks it off with you, respect that and leave her be no matter how much it hurts. In fact, if you want to ever have that person back, that's the best way to do so. Because the minute you turn into a possessive, whining, jealous youknowwhat, you've just reinforced all the reasons for breaking up with you in the first place.
Third, people who drink too much say stupid things and do stupid things. Trust me on this.
Finally, the longer it takes to describe a problem, the less salvageable it is, particularly in the Relationship Forum.
Now, here's the encouraging thing. You've been sobered enough by your atrocious conduct to ask yourself some hard questions. Awfully mature for a guy of your age. So here are some things to think about.
1) You do not 'own' a significant other. So quit being possessive and insanely jealous. If she really was stepping out on you (And by that, you have proof), then you should have simply said, "If you wanted to see someone else, I'd have appreciated a heads up. We're done."
2) Shouting at someone is an ideal way to drive that person away. The only other possible outcome is to cow that person into submission. But is that really the relationship you want?
3) Quit being needy. Women despise that in men.
4) Scientists estimate that drinking too much drives up your chances of doing something you'll really regret by approximately 847%. So how do you know how much is too much? Roughly two or three drinks fewer than whatever you think is a little much. Personally, I think three drinks is the absolute max for any occasion aside from a bachelor party in Vegas. I've never had a night where I had more than that and looked back on it fondly.
5) Learn from your mistakes. It's apparent that you're doing something in this department.
So forget her. You've burned that bridge. Move on and learn from your mistakes. And in ten years you'll realize that she wasn't all that. I guarantee it.
Well, I guess I accept the fact that I am, indeed, a verbal abuser. As much of a scumbag that makes me feel, I know I can change with enough work.
I called a hotline yesterday and told them my story. Talked to them about everything. Kinda like therapy, I guess, but free.
After finals I intend to jump on this problem and try to fix it. I want to learn self esteem and anger management. Books will probably be the first thing I will do.
I know everyone says therapy is the best way to go, but I would like to try trying to fix my problem first. If that works out, great. if not, I will get therapy.
As for the girl I did this all too, I am leaving her alone. If she ever needs me, I will be there for her and whatever she may need at the time, then go. I will give her her space and even though there is a 99% chance she lost all feelings for me and our relationship, I still have hope I suppose. Don't know why.
For now, just taking my finals, be done with school on friday. This summer will be a one of change for me, I want it to be.
Oh, hell. Everybody has a past. Learn from your mistakes and rectify matters. Don't put a label on yourself just yet.
cpg thank you that was really great. you made me feel a little better, i was starting to think ill be an abusive kid forever. i know im only 19 so cant say im too young, i just rly want to be a good boyfriend, and i was for quite some time before i yelled at her
now i deserve to lose her. dont worry, i havent said a thing to her since she told me to take care and we left. i doubt she ll ever come back but thats my problem
i guess what im really afraid of is this happening again. and i dont want that. so im trying whatever it takes to stop this
cpg thank you that was really great. you made me feel a little better, i was starting to think ill be an abusive kid forever. i know im only 19 so cant say im too young, i just rly want to be a good boyfriend, and i was for quite some time before i yelled at her
now i deserve to lose her. dont worry, i havent said a thing to her since she told me to take care and we left. i doubt she ll ever come back but thats my problem
i guess what im really afraid of is this happening again. and i dont want that. so im trying whatever it takes to stop this
If you are aware of your behavior, then you are already doing something about it. Chalk it up to immaturity and leave it at that. Forgive yourself a little here.
And just let this girl go. Just because she was the first (And likely only) woman with whom you scorched the sheets doesn't make her the end-all, be-all pinnacle of female existence. Go out and live your life. And when you inevitably happen upon her three-five years from now, take her aside and say the following:
"Look. I've thought about this for a long time, and I just want you to know that I treated you terribly. I like to think that I learned from my behavior. I'm not saying this to get back in your good graces, but just to apologize. Because it's important to me that you know this."
And that's it. Don't follow up with an invitation to dinner or a movie. Just say your piece and let it be. If you're still carrying a torch for her at that point, it will be up to her to make the first move.
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