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Hi everyone. There's something that's been bothering me the last couple weeks and I was hoping to hear some outside opinions. I met a seemingly great guy on match about a month ago. We emailed for maybe 2 weeks or so before meeting in person. Things seem to be going pretty well. We've seen each other 5 times, and we don't talk everyday, but usually a few texts every other day or so. I think this is probably pretty normal for the first month?
Anyway, I've faced some major disappointments in relationships in my life. I married my college sweetheart, and he became a cop right after we got married. He changed a lot and he ended up cheating on me with someone at work. I've been semi serious with 2 other guys since then and neither of them worked out. I now find myself bracing for disappointment. So much so that I don't even feel happy about meeting this new guy. I have no reason to believe that he doesn't think things are going well too. But I'm constantly just waiting...waiting for him to say things aren't working out, for him to never call again...instead of just enjoying things and seeing where they go (which logically I know is what I should be doing at this stage) I feel constantly stressed wondering if he's changed his mind.
I know I need to get go of those other relationships. I even saw a counselor for awhile to help me deal with my divorce. So what if things don't work out or he doesn't call. We don't even know each other all that well yet, but I just feel like anymore let downs and I'll be crushed. How do you know that disappointment is a possibility, but still try to keep a positive attitude and hope for the best when dating someone new? I can't seem to find the right balance.
I question whether this is directly related to your divorce or not.
I call this the "malaise." You meet somebody, you like each other, you're both trying , but you're both sort of cautious and jaded, so it sucks all the passion out of it. It's like you're waiting on the other person to drop the ball so you can say, "Yep, I knew it. People suck."
At least, that's the norm for me, lately, when it comes to dating. Maybe I'm off base trying to draw a parallel to your experiences. For me it isn't caused by a past breakup, but rather, an endless parade of potential partners that fail to materialize.
I question whether this is directly related to your divorce or not.
I call this the "malaise." You meet somebody, you like each other, you're both trying , but you're both sort of cautious and jaded, so it sucks all the passion out of it. It's like you're waiting on the other person to drop the ball so you can say, "Yep, I knew it. People suck."
At least, that's the norm for me, lately, when it comes to dating. Maybe I'm off base trying to draw a parallel to your experiences. For me it isn't caused by a past breakup, but rather, an endless parade of potential partners that fail to materialize.
Thanks for your perspective. I think it could be that. I don't want to create a self fulfilling prophecy from having a bad attitude...but obviously none of my relationships up to this point at 28 have worked out, so it's hard not to be wary.
Perhaps it means your focus should be off of relationships until you become more desirous/excited and expectant about other areas of your life, i.e career, faith etc?
Thanks for your perspective. I think it could be that. I don't want to create a self fulfilling prophecy from having a bad attitude...but obviously none of my relationships up to this point at 28 have worked out, so it's hard not to be wary.
Yup, I guess the common theme is becoming jaded over time. I'm also 28; I didn't expect to get an attitude about dating quite this early.
If that happens then you just wake up the next day and get a shower and get on with your day as usual. Look for other things to make you happy beyond a relationship. You are probably really feeling it because that young relationship was intensely sour. The more experiences you have that are not as dramatically crushing as that will make things easier.
There is more to life than happiness in a relationship. Make sure you have fun with that too. What does you life consist of? Like your daily routine? Is it varied and changing? Same old same old? You don't have to answer but livening up your day in other ways will cut on ocd time and just be healthier for you mentally in general.
If that happens then you just wake up the next day and get a shower and get on with your day as usual. Look for other things to make you happy beyond a relationship. You are probably really feeling it because that young relationship was intensely sour. The more experiences you have that are not as dramatically crushing as that will make things easier.
There is more to life than happiness in a relationship. Make sure you have fun with that too. What does you life consist of? Like your daily routine? Is it varied and changing? Same old same old? You don't have to answer but livening up your day in other ways will cut on ocd time and just be healthier for you mentally in general.
Thank you. I know there's more to life than a relationship and I have to be happy with me before being happy with someone else. I know all that. Aside from dating I have a really good life. I have a job I enjoy, good friends, good relationships with my family, I go out and do fun things...my life seems perfect except for when it comes to dating. Why should I even care if things don't work out with this guy? But I do. I'm frustrated that I let others dictate how I feel about myself. I know what a mistake that is, but I still do it.
Thank you. I know there's more to life than a relationship and I have to be happy with me before being happy with someone else. I know all that. Aside from dating I have a really good life. I have a job I enjoy, good friends, good relationships with my family, I go out and do fun things...my life seems perfect except for when it comes to dating. Why should I even care if things don't work out with this guy? But I do. I'm frustrated that I let others dictate how I feel about myself. I know what a mistake that is, but I still do it.
How do you have time to obsess then with all that extra stuff? Are you pulling away from it or thinking about developing more within that realm too?
Why isn't it giving enough back to you that you do care about that guy to that extreme level? Hey at least you are self aware of it...thats good.
Maybe try dating more than one person at a time? Being honest and open and all.
Hi everyone. There's something that's been bothering me the last couple weeks and I was hoping to hear some outside opinions. I met a seemingly great guy on match about a month ago. We emailed for maybe 2 weeks or so before meeting in person. Things seem to be going pretty well. We've seen each other 5 times, and we don't talk everyday, but usually a few texts every other day or so. I think this is probably pretty normal for the first month?
Anyway, I've faced some major disappointments in relationships in my life. I married my college sweetheart, and he became a cop right after we got married. He changed a lot and he ended up cheating on me with someone at work. I've been semi serious with 2 other guys since then and neither of them worked out. I now find myself bracing for disappointment. So much so that I don't even feel happy about meeting this new guy. I have no reason to believe that he doesn't think things are going well too. But I'm constantly just waiting...waiting for him to say things aren't working out, for him to never call again...instead of just enjoying things and seeing where they go (which logically I know is what I should be doing at this stage) I feel constantly stressed wondering if he's changed his mind.
I know I need to get go of those other relationships. I even saw a counselor for awhile to help me deal with my divorce. So what if things don't work out or he doesn't call. We don't even know each other all that well yet, but I just feel like anymore let downs and I'll be crushed. How do you know that disappointment is a possibility, but still try to keep a positive attitude and hope for the best when dating someone new? I can't seem to find the right balance.
This is why I won't ever again go on another date. Who wants to ever go through this? Let alone go through it often. Are you happy going through this process? It sure as hell never made me any happier...
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