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It's simple. I've concluded that there's no way any woman would want to go out with me once she got to know me. But since I never ask any women out or interact with people much at all, I can always hang on to the belief that all of my social problems are due to me being shy and me choosing to not interact with people, not due to me being unlikable. Even though I believe I'm unlikeable, I can always have that little voice in the back of my head saying, "no, people would like you, you just never talk to them". But if I started making an effort to meet people, and my fears ended up being realized and it was confirmed that people really don't like me even when I make an effort, I'd feel worse than ever. And so, it's better to just not make an effort.
So, the way it is I can go around thinking that the reason I don't have a girlfriend is that I'm too shy to ask women out and that if I'd ever tried, I would have had a girlfriend, not that I'm fundamentally unlikeable.
That's why I don't ask women out.
hmmm.. there's your problem right there. You are not unlikeable. You believe you are unlikeable, and therefore, gone about life using that as your way of justifying that people do not like you. If you think it, you are it. I do not even know you but I have faith that you are likable in some aspect. STOP having expectations. Get rejected a bit. Keep a log of it, and label it PROGRESS. Its okay for people not to like you. There are millions of people on this Earth that may like you once they have a chance to get to know you. You're worried about other people's feelings that you haven't even met. Now, if someone says 'pal, I hate you,' then take that person off your list of acquaintances. Start small by meeting people for the purposes of starting great conversations and then work slowly into making friends.
Stop worrying about finding someone. Start by meeting people and becoming the likable person you want to be. Its hard to form a romantic relationship if you are unwilling to meet people and face rejection. Its a way of life. It does not mean anything about you if one person chooses not to like you. I think you have to work on liking you for who you are, then forming friends, and then maybe in the foreseeable future, a romantic relationship.
I could never understand during my power drinking days why women would give me their phone numbers when I was in full A/H mode in a bar.. I would hit on one woman, get a phone number and then move on to another one and they all knew what I was doing.
There's someone for everyone.. In your case just look for a woman with lower self esteem than you..
Did you ever try any of those numbers. Hint: 555-1212 is given out on every TV show. It doesn't work.
I think you continue to make threads about yourself on here because you want attention from anyone and everyone.
Grow up.
It doesn't mean he wants attention. Maybe the poor guy is stuck. I wouldn't be surprised in this culture where psychologists have to be paid if anyone gets help and even then, you can't be sure if they want to seriously fix you or just skirt the problem so you can pay for sessions forever.
@Davos,
What is the specific problem? Why do you think no woman would want you? Why are you shy?
Being "confident" without the looks and money to back it up doesn't work either!
It leaves one with a better opportunity at getting a date than being un-confident. It's not like broke and/or unattractive men have never gotten dates.
Davros, why not try some baby steps? I don't think you're ready to ask a woman out either, but try striking up conversations with people in public who are not dating material--lonely store clerks, old ladies or men, complete dorks, you know what I mean--people who are totally non-threatening. Not only will you brighten their day but you'll gain confidence too. Practice making eye contact! Much easier with non-threatening people. Practice noticing something about someone and striking up a convo about that. A young lady might shy away until you get more practice, but an older person will find it charming--young women are programmed to be on the alert for pickup lines. You run the risk of hearing someone's endless story of their cancer treatment but that's the price you'll pay for experience and you'll help them to feel better.
And work very hard to control the impulse of trying to impress or be funny. I know, been there, but then one day I noticed that truly funny people don't smile any more than anyone else and I stopped that. Not all at once--it took time to notice my behavior and change it. You will not get instant results! Remember this and forgive yourself all blunders--notice them but don't judge them.
I think as bluefrogs does--you are likable but not confident and see only the negative in your interactions with people. An interesting thing too--I'm working with high school students and many of them are afraid to try and then fail--I was just discussing one today with another teacher. The kid is extremely bright, but hates failure, so he doesn't even try. What a waste of splendid resources. And you could be out making someone's day.
. There is a saying that an expert is merely someone who has failed more than anyone else in that field. You may think being an expert has nothing to do with failure however two, what I would consider, experts in their field are renowned for their failures.
When Thomas Edison was interviewed by a young reporter who boldly asked Mr. Edison if he felt like a failure and if he thought he should just give up by now. Perplexed, Edison replied, "Young man, why would I feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitively over 9,000 ways that an electric light bulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp." And shortly after that, and over 10,000 attempts, Edison invented the light bulb.
Michael Jordan, considered one of the greatest basketball players of all time; his brief bio on NBA.com he is described as ‘single-handedly redefining the NBA superstar’ and yet to get there he openly admits to failing more than most. In a famous ad campaign launched by ‘Nike’, Michael is quoted as saying he has:
Lost almost 300 games (that’s more games than many NBA players have court time in)
Missed over 9000 shots at goal (again more shots than an average NBA player even takes)
26 times he was given the ball to take the game winning shot and MISSED
Jordan goes on to say the reason he has succeeded boils down to his constantly failure and used failure as motivation to shoot for success. In other words Jordan viewed failures as stepping stones towards success; his shooting average was just below 50% so to score he would have to take two shots, one to fail the other to score.
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