Crush on Older, Superior Coworker (dating, married, woman, love)
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Hello all, I am a new poster here. I am hoping that you could help me with my little issue here. So here it is...
I have a crush on this guy whom I'm working with. He is much older than me, around my dad's age (and yes before you ask I do have a good relationship with my dad), and he is sort of my superior. He is not in my direct line of report, but we are in the same team and I provide him data and reports from time to time. He and I are not in the same office as he is working in another branch (different state). We mostly have been communicating via emails, phone, and company instant messages. I am not sure whether he has a gf or not, but he is not married at the moment.
A little bit of background info about this guy, he is actually known as someone who is crude, mean superior who is very hard to work with. I do hear that once we gain his trust, he will treat us much better, which is perhaps what happened to me. When I first started this job, he would blatantly, totally ignored me. He wouldn't answer my question and ignored my emails. Over the time I got more familiar with my job, and he began to treat me better. He replied to my IMs and emails and would provide me the info I need. He never ignores me anymore.
In the beginning, I did not harbor any kind of feelings toward him (we met once during a conference). I never take it personally or get offended when he ignored me, and I would only talk to him when it's necessary. However, he started to treat me better, and over the time I begin to see another side of him, that he was actually a nice person who would help people whom he considered as friends.
One night when I was staying late to prepare for the meeting, he actually IMed me, asking if I was still working (he did not need anything, so I guess he was just checking up on me). And then he started to loosen up a little bit and made little jokes here and there with me. He started being nice and told me nice things like "have a good weekend/holiday", etc. There is one time that I was working on a report on one Friday, which turned out to not due until Monday end of day. He joked sarcastically that he would have no issue if I wanted to stay up all night to work on it though. And then just few days ago, after our big meeting, I was asking him about a report that would due the next day (I would need to work on it with him). He told me to contact him the next day after I was done with all my other required day today stuff. And then he told me to go home and get some sleep, because next day was going to be a long day.
So... while I know all the conversations I have with him are platonic, it caught my attention because as I mentioned this guy is known as the mean, crude guy. Hence, it feels very weird/unusual hearing all the nice words coming from him. In my mind, he isn't supposed to joke around with me, he's supposed to talk to me strictly about work; he isn't supposed to say all those nice things or tell me to get some sleep.
So what is your take on the whole situation? What do you think I should do to make this whole thing less awkward? Now everytime I talk to him, I'm always worried that I would sound like a giggly highschooler. I always answered his IM right away and provided everything that he needed, so I think it is very possible that he was being nice to me in response to me being very nice to him. Would this make him aware of my crush on him though? I am really hoping that this feeling would pass soon.
Enjoy the chummy working relationship while you can but take a pass on any flirting or responding to him more than being merely friendly. Based on my experience, workplace affairs or romances are a bad idea because the convenience can easily turn into a major complication and royal headache.
But dudes like him like having female confidants/coworker friendly relationships to take the edge off their workplace presona. It doesn't matter if he is in another state, why risk/wreck your work life with a relationship that could go sour and you have to deal with him regularly thereafter = a-w-k-w-a-r-d.
IMHO best you can hope for is a great working relationship, and perhaps drunk sex at the next holiday party so you could blame it on the alcohol.
Hello all, I am a new poster here. I am hoping that you could help me with my little issue here. So here it is...
I have a crush on this guy whom I'm working with. He is much older than me, around my dad's age (and yes before you ask I do have a good relationship with my dad), and he is sort of my superior. He is not in my direct line of report, but we are in the same team and I provide him data and reports from time to time. He and I are not in the same office as he is working in another branch (different state). We mostly have been communicating via emails, phone, and company instant messages. I am not sure whether he has a gf or not, but he is not married at the moment.
A little bit of background info about this guy, he is actually known as someone who is crude, mean superior who is very hard to work with. I do hear that once we gain his trust, he will treat us much better, which is perhaps what happened to me. When I first started this job, he would blatantly, totally ignored me. He wouldn't answer my question and ignored my emails. Over the time I got more familiar with my job, and he began to treat me better. He replied to my IMs and emails and would provide me the info I need. He never ignores me anymore.
In the beginning, I did not harbor any kind of feelings toward him (we met once during a conference). I never take it personally or get offended when he ignored me, and I would only talk to him when it's necessary. However, he started to treat me better, and over the time I begin to see another side of him, that he was actually a nice person who would help people whom he considered as friends.
One night when I was staying late to prepare for the meeting, he actually IMed me, asking if I was still working (he did not need anything, so I guess he was just checking up on me). And then he started to loosen up a little bit and made little jokes here and there with me. He started being nice and told me nice things like "have a good weekend/holiday", etc. There is one time that I was working on a report on one Friday, which turned out to not due until Monday end of day. He joked sarcastically that he would have no issue if I wanted to stay up all night to work on it though. And then just few days ago, after our big meeting, I was asking him about a report that would due the next day (I would need to work on it with him). He told me to contact him the next day after I was done with all my other required day today stuff. And then he told me to go home and get some sleep, because next day was going to be a long day.
So... while I know all the conversations I have with him are platonic, it caught my attention because as I mentioned this guy is known as the mean, crude guy. Hence, it feels very weird/unusual hearing all the nice words coming from him. In my mind, he isn't supposed to joke around with me, he's supposed to talk to me strictly about work; he isn't supposed to say all those nice things or tell me to get some sleep.
So what is your take on the whole situation? What do you think I should do to make this whole thing less awkward? Now everytime I talk to him, I'm always worried that I would sound like a giggly highschooler. I always answered his IM right away and provided everything that he needed, so I think it is very possible that he was being nice to me in response to me being very nice to him. Would this make him aware of my crush on him though? I am really hoping that this feeling would pass soon.
He's probably crude and mean to keep the office bimbos away...he may have even been in trouble with one before.
I assume he's attractive....don't think you're the first nor the last.
If you keep going down this path you will get what you want (him, sex) and be out of a job as a result.
I don't mean to sound harsh but there is NOTHING about this situation that is fresh or unique.
He's probably crude and mean to keep the office bimbos away...he may have even been in trouble with one before.
I assume he's attractive....don't think you're the first nor the last.
If you keep going down this path you will get what you want (him, sex) and be out of a job as a result.
Well I would not say that he looks like a model... but he did have the charisma and he seems to be the guy who has power and control over things, who knows what he's doing. I do like that type of guy... so yes to me he is attractive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope
I don't mean to sound harsh but there is NOTHING about this situation that is fresh or unique.
So have you seen this kind of thing happening in the workplace before? I am wondering if he is just merely being nice and I was just overreacting with the whole scenario, to the point where I'm crushing on him. I don't think that this would lead to sex...?
You are responding to friendship/good co-worker behavior, not love or personal interest. He probably views you more as a pseudo daughter than anything. Don't try to pursue this crush, you have no knowledge of him as a person. You have idealized him and are trying to build yourself up by thinking that you are so special that a powerful, harsh man could be interested in you. That is a romance novel, not real life.
So have you seen this kind of thing happening in the workplace before? I am wondering if he is just merely being nice and I was just overreacting with the whole scenario, to the point where I'm crushing on him. I don't think that this would lead to sex...?
You sound like a woman with dating experience so I guess you know what it's like to going out with a guy, maybe have sex with them, one of you laters figures out its not what you want, and it's time to be done seeing him or her and all the drama that is involved in finally letting go and them going away. But in this case, the guy is your superior, has influence on your job satisfaction, is able to have input (directly or indirectly) on your employee performance, and will be around until one of you finds another job. Put the two together and you will see the big picture.
Sadly, most people, such as yourself, already know this but the buzz of the crush makes them short sighted and wearing rose colored glasses, as they say.
So have you seen this kind of thing happening in the workplace before? I am wondering if he is just merely being nice and I was just overreacting with the whole scenario, to the point where I'm crushing on him. I don't think that this would lead to sex...?
Yes, this kind of infatuation happens all the time, and yes, you are overreacting.
It is kind of a cliche, really, because authority figures can be very attractive. But this scenario gets double points because you thought he was a bad boy, the mean guy who liked no one. So you thought there must be something more to your communications since you had heard about his supposed reputation. Surely, you thought, he must be attracted to you in some way to have responded to you with some sense of humanness!
You don't know that the stories you heard about his cruel ways didn't come from underperforming workers who he disciplined.
Please please PLEASE do yourself a favor and keep your mind on your job. You are reading a LOT into what he has said and done.
Your company may have fraternization policies against employee relationships.
Jobs are so hard to come by these days. Be thankful he is in a different branch, and keep your interactions strictly professional.
Thanks all for the responses. No worries... I don't think I have done an irreparable damage to our work relationship. Thankfully I was able to resist all urges to say anything that I would regret later. I might be a little friendly with him at times... but I haven't said or done anything inappropriate.
I am just hoping that this infatuation will pass soon.
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