Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Unfortunately, we all do have baggage but I don't think it needs to be carried on into other relationships.
I think for those of us that have been in a bad relationship/s, we should take the time for ourselves when we end the relationship to get ourselves back together, heal ourselves instead of jumping into the next relationship and hurting the other person.
A few years ago, when I was doing internet dating, the majority of guys I went out with were nice guys but they were still hung up on the past.
I was thinking, why do you want to be in a relationship with me when you're still hung up on your ex? I have a late husband. I made sure I did my grieving and that I was ready to get back to dating before going out with anybody.
You posted a great thread and I wonder too why people can't just move on or stay home and not bring others into the bad situation.
A lot of people cannot get over the past and end up with no future, my sis in-law is that way, been divorced for 7 years and drags it into every new relationship which end right away, she's even had guy's tell her why they lost interest but she doesn't get it.
I have a friend but they have been split four years- and she talks more about him, and laments than I do (I have been split 6 months). It is very draining and I can only imagine that a man wouldnt want to hear it
Divorce is like 52% of the U.S., and to the poster who wants a man without baggage-lol- you had better never date anyone over 30 then, because most people in life have some baggage.
I agree with many of the posters here. But there are those who have learned from their mistakes and have discovered, and adapted very well to living single, some even prefer it.
Granted, past baggage is past baggage. If a person chooses to eventually move on to something more, thats their will. If they choose to stay single and like the benefits of that, its their choice. But there may be some who try too hard to change those people, and it only pushes a bigger wedge into what may have been a potential relationship. Make sure youre not being pushy or obcessive, those too, are forces that end up working against you instead. If one chooses to move onto another relationship, they'll let it be known.
Personally, Im one who has adapted very well to single. Yes, Ive been burned, controlled and hurt, but my choice now to move on in life as a single person benefits me more than if I was tied down, and no one controls where I go, what I do or where I live, who to answer to and what I can or cant do after work, or with who. Nowadays it has nothing to do with past, its something that Ive overlooked before and again, am liking it much better.
By the way, no, Im not a wild party girl, but am an active musician and in my line of work, too, there can be (and has been before) times where I'll be gone a few days or even a few weeks, out in the field, so having someone give the option of 'its either your job (or your music) or me' , that doesnt work with me.
Last edited by country pride; 09-23-2007 at 10:38 AM..
I know cream, i hope you didn't take any offense, that's why I chose the word "some" in my post. I know some of your history from talking to you and I didn't mean anything by what you went through. I'm not sure if I told you, but I did post somewhere else in this forum about being raped when I was 17 years old ~~ I carried alot a hatred around for a few years and blamed all men - I was awful, my husband and I started dating for the first time right after it happened and I was so messed up he kept breaking up with me, 4 times to be exact. Then about 2 years later we got back together and he helped me get through it. My life became so much happier and healthier once I learned to let go and realize that it wasn't my fault or every man out there's fault, just the rapist himself. I kicked alot of "good men" to the curb in those 2 years of grieving!! But in the end it all worked out for the best.
Did you or cream go to counseling? I am just curious. I have a friend that was raped yrs ago and she has had numerous bad relationships picking the wrong kind of guy and she is now in counseling and it is really helping her.
I have a friend but they have been split four years- and she talks more about him, and laments than I do (I have been split 6 months). It is very draining and I can only imagine that a man wouldnt want to hear it
Divorce is like 52% of the U.S., and to the poster who wants a man without baggage-lol- you had better never date anyone over 30 then, because most people in life have some baggage.
People can have baggage and learn how to deal with it, so they don't bring it into the next friendship.
Some people define their whole lives by some big operation they had, the person who took their money and dumped them, the garden that only yielded 5 tomatoes...moving on to someone else really does mean moving on.
That's the beauty of it, someone new really is someone new.
Unfortunately, we all do have baggage but I don't think it needs to be carried on into other relationships.
I think for those of us that have been in a bad relationship/s, we should take the time for ourselves when we end the relationship to get ourselves back together, heal ourselves instead of jumping into the next relationship and hurting the other person.
A few years ago, when I was doing internet dating, the majority of guys I went out with were nice guys but they were still hung up on the past.
I was thinking, why do you want to be in a relationship with me when you're still hung up on your ex? I have a late husband. I made sure I did my grieving and that I was ready to get back to dating before going out with anybody.
You posted a great thread and I wonder too why people can't just move on or stay home and not bring others into the bad situation.
I think some people just don't know how to move on. When they have been hurt so deeply it can consume their soul. Our past is a part of who we are, for sure, and it molds us into the person we will become in the future.
I
when I was young my boyfriend started beating me up we had moved to another state for work and he started doing all of of drugs and drinking and he broke my nose, gave me black eyes, choked me, cheated, lied to me etc. and I have to say that the last straw was breaking my nose. We were done.
but it scarred me. When you are young you love with everything in your being. You don't think you will be able to breath if they are not in your life. Kind of thing. It kind of kills a part of you inside.
I never had a problem attracting men but it was the kind of men. Usually a little older the guys that know the game and know what to say to get you in their hooks and then when they have ya the real person comes out....
Oh yea I love those kind of guys.
With each experience you seem to loose a part of yourself unknowingly, and each time a part of a wall goes up and another, and another till pretty soon you are pretty protected ya think.
When a good guy comes along he is pushed so far out in the back forty that he doesn't stand a chance, nor is he all that willing to deal with your stuff for to long either.
My hubby hung in there and use to tell me that it was not his fault what happened in the past you say you know and are sorry but it is hard to break down what took so long to build.
Needless to say I don't think the wall ever completely comes down. I think there is always some guarding of the feelings.
I don't know.
Did you or cream go to counseling? I am just curious. I have a friend that was raped yrs ago and she has had numerous bad relationships picking the wrong kind of guy and she is now in counseling and it is really helping her.
yes, I did, and it helped a great deal...but when I grew up, I still made myself a victim and picked the wrong men...men who didn't treat me with respect...so, sometimes, I suppose, those days of bad times are very deeply implemented?
My counselor told me, that it was very important, that I broke the pattern and didn't pick another man who treated me like that. But, when I started dating again....I did...
after that, I simply decided it was more important to be at peace, and enjoy life, then have a companion...and I tell you, I'm not sorry.
I mean, I started to think, what is it that I could do with a companion, that I couldn't do by myself...and so, I started doing things alone...I love to stop for dinner on the way home, spontaniously...I love to go on vacation by myself and have had some really marvelous experiences....I am spontanious and enjoy going to movies...festivals, and flea markets, concerts, horseback riding, anything...yanno?
I really believe, being with ourselves, is a very important lifetime experience. We really do learn who we are, what are needs are. I love who I am...now...
does that make sense?
Last edited by cremebrulee; 09-23-2007 at 01:08 PM..
I think some people just don't know how to move on. When they have been hurt so deeply it can consume their soul. Our past is a part of who we are, for sure, and it molds us into the person we will become in the future.
I
when I was young my boyfriend started beating me up we had moved to another state for work and he started doing all of of drugs and drinking and he broke my nose, gave me black eyes, choked me, cheated, lied to me etc. and I have to say that the last straw was breaking my nose. We were done.
but it scarred me. When you are young you love with everything in your being. You don't think you will be able to breath if they are not in your life. Kind of thing. It kind of kills a part of you inside.
I never had a problem attracting men but it was the kind of men. Usually a little older the guys that know the game and know what to say to get you in their hooks and then when they have ya the real person comes out....
Oh yea I love those kind of guys.
With each experience you seem to loose a part of yourself unknowingly, and each time a part of a wall goes up and another, and another till pretty soon you are pretty protected ya think.
When a good guy comes along he is pushed so far out in the back forty that he doesn't stand a chance, nor is he all that willing to deal with your stuff for to long either.
My hubby hung in there and use to tell me that it was not his fault what happened in the past you say you know and are sorry but it is hard to break down what took so long to build.
Needless to say I don't think the wall ever completely comes down. I think there is always some guarding of the feelings.
I don't know.
I know exactly what you're saying and how you feel as I have been through some pretty horrible and traumatic experiences myself throughout my life. The wall will not be completely torn down and nobody expects it to be but what I said in my other post was to heal yourself before getting into another relationship and blaming an innocent person for the problems you have experienced.
Most people don't know half of what I've been through and I choose to keep it that way. I don't think it would be fair to my S/O if I continually brought all my dirty laundry to him everyday.
That's what I meant. I didn't mean to imply to everyone to 'get over it', just do the best you can and move on.
I know exactly what you're saying and how you feel as I have been through some pretty horrible and traumatic experiences myself throughout my life. The wall will not be completely torn down and nobody expects it to be but what I said in my other post was to heal yourself before getting into another relationship and blaming an innocent person for the problems you have experienced.
Most people don't know half of what I've been through and I choose to keep it that way. I don't think it would be fair to my S/O if I continually brought all my dirty laundry to him everyday.
That's what I meant. I didn't mean to imply to everyone to 'get over it', just do the best you can and move on.
Oh I know that you didn't mean to everyone "to get over it". It's ok. I didn't take offense. No Prob.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
agree
