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Why do you think you shouldn't be waiting? I'm not sure how well you can know someone after seven months. And you mentioned that you both started talking about it at five months.
I'm not sure either, hence the question. My friends and coworkers like him and they ask when it's going to happen; we are middle aged with established careers and financial stabillity. We are professionals and at the top of our careers. There won't be more children and his first is in college and the youngest is a teen.
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Originally Posted by Chaindrive
And will it matter if something happens with his job?
Not really. Financially it won't matter. Even if his salary is cut he will be fine. He only has a few more years to retirement. He could work three more years after that if he wanted or he could do something else. The worst thing would be that he would have to commute to another city to go to work. He is a captain at a major airline; we are waiting to see what it's reoganization will bring--commuting, loss of pay, possible move back to first officer. Those would be the worst.
we are middle aged with established careers and financial stabillity.
...his is a bit up in the air right now; he won't lose his job but it might change soon because the company is in bankruptcy. If it gets bought out he may have to commute and/or be demoted.
Financially it won't matter.
Even if his salary is cut he will be fine.
He only has a few more years to retirement.
I'll suggest that you need to focus on common definitions of what phrases like "financial stability" and "top of career" mean.
And even if it appears that it won't matter (once the reality is known)...
let me assure you as a middle aged man that while being in situation X vs Y may be sorted out emotionally
once he is there... not knowing if his situation is X or Y matters a lot.
Putting a legal status and responsibility change (like marriage) into the middle of this
is like throwing a stick of dynamite. The romance aspect is the LEAST of it.
So what do you stand to gain by marring sooner than later - other than paying less for rent?
I don't know that we gain anything but time. We both decided that I have to go home at night. We need to be a model for his kids.
Actually rent isn't an issue, maybe the opposite. We both own our homes; selling one in this market isn't a joyful prospect.
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Originally Posted by ellie
First, you should let him pick the time and place. Don't rush, don't worry, just enjoy living life. Second, seven months is too short a time to discover and come to terms with the less attractive traits you and your partner each have. Give it a year and a half, at least. Some people recommend three years...it's strangely consistent.
He is actually the one who started this discussion, which makes it harder for me. I actually like the fact that we can share our feelings. I don't know that I feel comfortable that we opened the box on this discussion so to speak, but it's open. I am thinking of telling him let's put the lid on it untill the puppy's birthday. (His daughter's puppy was born the day we met. )
Seven months isn't very long.
You've talked about it.
Let it percolate.
Go read all the relationship books, do all the quizzes, get to know his friends and family REALLY well...you're still in the honeymoon phase. Give it a couple of years to really get to know him.
I agree. I have begun reading those books and am ready to hand them to him. I think he has a lot more at stake than I do at this point.
Be clear: YOU are not sure you should be waiting, he is evidently sure you should be waiting because he has not popped the actual question yet.
I am not even sure we should have started talking about it at all...I don't know if we can talk about it for months or years and do nothing...I am not sure if we could have a long engagement or just keep the status quo.
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Originally Posted by birdinmigration
Advice: Stop spending "all your free time at his house." Find things to do with that time that don't involve him. Give him some space.
Maybe I exaggerated a bit there--I work long hours, I have a regular workout schedule, I go out with my friends every week. He travels on his job, spends time with his children, goes to their school events. He spends time with his friends and on his hobbies. I go to his house for dinner during the week and always go home at night.
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Originally Posted by birdinmigration
Sorry to say this, but you sound a bit stalkerish/desperate, as in 'new girlfriend already measuring the drapes.'
I didn't start the discussion but I didn't say it was too early either. I have my own home with drapes I picked out.
I have been divorced for over ten years with dating before I met him.
I'll suggest that you need to focus on common definitions of what phrases like "financial stability" and "top of career" mean.
And even if it appears that it won't matter (once the reality is known)...
let me assure you as a middle aged man that while being in situation X vs Y may be sorted out emotionally
once he is there... not knowing if his situation is X or Y matters a lot.
Putting a legal status and responsibility change (like marriage) into the middle of this
is like throwing a stick of dynamite. The romance aspect is the LEAST of it.
One bridge at a time.
Do you think that is why all of this has come up? Something else for him to think about instead of ruminating on all the work stuff? It is hard to be in that situation I think. To me that makes a lot of sense. Thank you!
I don't think anyone can answer that question except you two. Everyone has their ideas, but there's no real timetable: when two people are ready, they're ready.
It is difficult to have perspective when you have met someone you like. This does not sound ideal to me...and I recommend some caution here. Why?
1. He may be seeking some financial stability with his job issues....he is at an age where finding employment is not a given. He may see you as a pretty good deal.
Of course, step daughters....been there...done that. It is like Hell that never ends. Believe me, the little angels change...this is more drama....think very carefully about this.
You are financially secure...why do you want to marry him?I think another year won't hurt.
It is difficult to have perspective when you have met someone you like. This does not sound ideal to me...and I recommend some caution here. Why?
1. He may be seeking some financial stability with his job issues....he is at an age where finding employment is not a given. He may see you as a pretty good deal.
I don't think so. He won't lose his job or his income, plus he has other income from property and investments.
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Originally Posted by jasper12
Of course, step daughters....been there...done that. It is like Hell that never ends. Believe me, the little angels change...this is more drama....think very carefully about this.
You may be right here. Right now we have a good relationship and I would like that to continue. I want their feelings to be considered and share in their lives, too.
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Originally Posted by jasper12
You are financially secure...why do you want to marry him?I think another year won't hurt.
It isn't about finances. I am very fortunate in that regard. I love him and want his companionship.
Be clear: YOU are not sure you should be waiting, he is evidently sure you should be waiting because he has not popped the actual question yet.
^^^This. Really, it's not your decision if and when to pop the question, unless you want to risk being non-traditional, then u will surely get your answer.
And at 7mos? Heck, I wouldn't even think about seriously popping the question until I've been with someone at least a year and a half. All his talk about marriage is just assessing compatibility and possible long term plans.
btw, your anxiousness is a total turn off, i.e., possibly making your situation worse. stop obsessing about it and enjoy just being with him.
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