Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,742,544 times
Reputation: 41381
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by nyanna
Yes, my mother and older sister lost themselves, a lot. My neice notices it too, and often wonders why her mom doesn't have friends of her own. Would I offer that opinion to them? Yes, I surely would..I already have.
I will have children just because my family expects me to have some in the future. But I feel like I will lose interest in my children once they get older..cause I cannot stand kids at all. I don't think I will make a great mom at all
I would NOT have kids with this line of thinking. There are already enough kids in the world with parents who don't want to parent, no need to add to that. Also having kids to satisfy someone else's desires is just a stupid idea any way you slice it.
Look your not wrong and your not right . Marriage is boring with or without kids. I am married with a baby on the way which comes with its own goods and bads but even before the child came into the picture it has its great and memorable times and alot of boring ones too. As for kids i dont have the same outlook as you do exactly but understand your fears all i can say is to each their own and never think kids will fix it , children are alot of time, effort, and money amongst orher things lack of all 3 will stress any marriage ! The rest im about to find out . On the other hand being 70 years old and having to spend every cup of coffee, every holiday, and wondering if anyone stiill even remembers you exist sounds lonely and boring as well so you just have to pick . Everything in life is a trade off of some sort so take the good with the bad in everything . Just my 2 cents ,
I think it is just the opposite. Today's culture makes it acceptable for women to be and do whatever they want. Lots of women never have children, and don't get married. They even have children without marriage, and that's Ok too. The way I see it, for a lot of women, their children are part of themselves, and they try to raise their children to be attractive, popular, successful, and its a way for them to enhance their own self image of themselves, and their status in society. The "My Son the Doctor" phenomena. Its really all about themselves.
Its men who are driven by society today to a certain role, "provider, attractive, dutiful, serving his wife and her children to make her happy." Note the many articles these days about "not enough good men, or manchildren who need to MANUP, get a good job so that he can be a good husband a woman who "deserves" a to have all that she wants, and will not settle.
I don't know if I 'lost' myself since I was pretty young and hadn't been an adult all that long when I was married with children. I changed, but I would have changed anyway. I hear people talk like this sometimes and wonder if they just aren't fantasizing about their youth and the life they think they could have had but probably wouldn't have. Haha.
I think this is it for people who have children in their 20s for sure. I've changed a lot since having kids, but most of it is me just maturing. I'm so much less self-centered and more giving. I think having kids has made me a better wife. I used to always be struggling for power in our relationship. I don't know why, but I just did. Now, I'm a lot more content just going with the flow. I'm not a wallflower by any means, but I trust my husband's judgment and it's such a relief.
Sometimes when I'm feeling low, I think that if I didn't have kids I could do all this traveling with my husband. Prior to having the kids, we didn't have enough money to travel extensively but now we do. So sometimes I glamorize this life of jet-setting around the country with just us. The truth of the matter is that we probably wouldn't be doing that all that much without kids. My husband is a saver and would balk at spending thousands on travel every year. Second, I'd be working so we'd have to be coordinating our vacations. Third, it wouldn't be as glamorous to me as it is now because I'd be continuing to dream about the children we'd someday have (something I ALWAYS thought about before having kids) . Another point is that someday we will be able to travel again. The kids will get older and will be easier travel companions. The grandparents won't mind sitting for older children as much as the rambunctious babies and toddlers.
Also, my daily life hasn't changed all that much. Before I was working and coming home and watching TV then going to bed. On weekends, we'd clean the house and go out to dinner or movies. We still do all those things. We pay for babysitters or get the grandparents to watch the kids (they live down the street and just come over and watch a movie since the kids go to bed early). It's not as easy or free-spirited but it's still great.
Don't have kids if you don't want them. That's the worst thing you could ever do. You might resent them and you can't be a good mom when you bear resentment like that. Your kids will hate you back if you truly feel that way. You might not. Some mothers come into their own and are totally surprised. Some mothers who always wanted kids end up resenting them anyway because it's not the life they envisioned. Still, I wouldn't chance the resentment if you're unsure.
I would NOT have kids with this line of thinking. There are already enough kids in the world with parents who don't want to parent, no need to add to that. Also having kids to satisfy someone else's desires is just a stupid idea any way you slice it.
I think it is just the opposite. Today's culture makes it acceptable for women to be and do whatever they want. Lots of women never have children, and don't get married. They even have children without marriage, and that's Ok too. The way I see it, for a lot of women, their children are part of themselves, and they try to raise their children to be attractive, popular, successful, and its a way for them to enhance their own self image of themselves, and their status in society. The "My Son the Doctor" phenomena. Its really all about themselves.
Its men who are driven by society today to a certain role, "provider, attractive, dutiful, serving his wife and her children to make her happy." Note the many articles these days about "not enough good men, or manchildren who need to MANUP, get a good job so that he can be a good husband a woman who "deserves" a to have all that she wants, and will not settle.
I'm not sure I understand all of your post. The "my son the doctor"/parents living vicariously through their children isn't something new though, and it isn't limited to one gender. Go to any youth sporting event with even very young kids and you'll find plenty of men who are overly concerned with their kid's sporting performance as an extension of themselves. Heck JFK's dad was all about putting his kids in certain positions to make the family look good.
As for your second thought, I think society expects men to care(in all senses of the word)for any children they might father. Everyone pays when they do not. No one expects them to "man up" and become a father if they do not wish to.
[quote=nyanna;24604565]Yes, my mother and older sister lost themselves, a lot. My neice notices it too, and often wonders why her mom doesn't have friends of her own. Would I offer that opinion to them? Yes, I surely would..I already have.
I will have children just because my family expects me to have some in the future. But I feel like I will lose interest in my children once they get older..cause I cannot stand kids at all. I don't think I will make a great mom aI can't say why
Edit: I really don't know your family so who knows what reasons they have for making the choices they have. Perhaps in the case of your sister, some of her friends drifted away from her after she had kids. Perhaps her spouse isn't very supportive of her having time out of the house. Or perhaps she is content the way she is...but it doesn't mean she lost herself.
Sometimes there can be a little bit of a struggle when you have a sibling or friend with kids when you do not have them. You no longer understand each other's points of view. I have a sibling who went all levels of crazy when I had to cancel an outing due to my kid being sick, and it brought out all sorts of ugliness. What is funny is she is incredibly unreliable with making plans, then she reacts that way. Anyway she basically started a huge fight, and I saw that she really understood very little about my life.
Do most women lose themselves when they become married with children?
The answer to that question hinges on what kind of man they married. If he is a secure person who supports her dreams and who she is, then it will not happen.
Women are pressured to get married and have kids however many of them just lose themselves when they do. I have witnessed this with my older sister to a certain extent. they become boring and lost that zest for life. The only women who still maintain their own individuality and interests outside of their marriage are wealthy women.
You and Trimac20 should start seeing each other
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
