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As someone his exact age, getting their masters, he's not desirable. He's living at home because it's easy. Not because he has to. Not a fan of people who do things that may be restricting simply because they are easy, plus, dating at 25 with mommy and daddy around...not very attractive.
Well, that's sad. It's not necessarily easy to live at home with your parents, but if it's a means to an end (to buy a home), then that's his choice. Roommates aren't always great either. God knows I've had more than my fair share of selfish nutcases. Either way, I still think it's smart on his part to be financially savvy and independent. I wish the guys I've dated have had as much sense as he does. Maybe then I wouldn't be single.
His biggest issue is that he has no one to hang out with, which can happen regardless of living at home, with roommates or on his own. So all he needs to do is find activities with other people his age, which shouldn't be that hard to do if he's willing to make the effort. He's obviously learned from his mistake that his life can't revolve around his girlfriend, so he won't make that mistake again. I think he'll be just fine.
(One of my classmates is 43 and lived at home with his mom this past year to save himself $25k in housing loans, since tuition alone cost us over $40k. He constantly put himself down about it, but I kept reassuring him that it would pay off in the end. His debt and interest owed is lower as a result. Smart move on his part, even if he knows it's unappealing. But he also didn't mind being around to help his elderly mother.)
This isn't an unusual situation at all, except for not wanting to move out of the parents home. So many people go thru the "suddenly alone" stage when they end a long term relationship and it's one of those things in life you just have to get through.
My advice is to move out. If nothing else it will be something new and different, which is always the first step in changing your life. I wouldn't buy a place yet, give yourself a chance to make friends, date, maybe find a new gf...you never know where that will lead and you don't want to be too tied down yet. Who know, you may even want to relocate and live somewhere else. I know you have a good job now but that could = a good job somewhere else too! Maybe somplace with people you can actually be friends with? Don't limit yourself just because you're semi comfortable.
This isn't an unusual situation at all, except for not wanting to move out of the parents home. So many people go thru the "suddenly alone" stage when they end a long term relationship and it's one of those things in life you just have to get through.
My advice is to move out. If nothing else it will be something new and different, which is always the first step in changing your life. I wouldn't buy a place yet, give yourself a chance to make friends, date, maybe find a new gf...you never know where that will lead and you don't want to be too tied down yet. Who know, you may even want to relocate and live somewhere else. I know you have a good job now but that could = a good job somewhere else too! Maybe somplace with people you can actually be friends with? Don't limit yourself just because you're semi comfortable.
I agree.....Just based on his initial post it appears to me the guy just has a miserable life. Yes he has a good job and has money in the bank, but that will not make a happy life. So, it always seemed logical to me that if you are not happy with your life, you get to work changing it.
(One of my classmates is 43 and lived at home with his mom this past year to save himself $25k in housing loans, since tuition alone cost us over $40k. He constantly put himself down about it, but I kept reassuring him that it would pay off in the end. His debt and interest owed is lower as a result. Smart move on his part, even if he knows it's unappealing. But he also didn't mind being around to help his elderly mother.)
The problem is, he can afford to move out and chooses not to. Idk anyone who wants to live with their parents in their 20's especially when they have never lived on there own. Most 20 year olds (even with no money) want the experience of living life for themselves, without parents around. Bringing a women home to your parents everyday is not easy on the fluidity and experimenting that should go on in a normal relationship.
I wouldn't bother with roommates. They are just a pain in the butt.
But you do need to move out. You don't have to buy your house to keep it. You can always resell or rent after moving into something bigger. Someone your age living at home with that kind of money seems odd or like you are a mommas boy. When you hang out only with old boring people you will also start to act like that. Not attractive either. Also what if it goes somewhere? Its not exactly romantic/relaxing/fun to have an evening in at your parents' house.
Next girl :
- pick an equal - your ex just sounds like a learning experience of what you don't like. Maybe you picked her out of being lonely more than actually liking her.
- your comment on the love chatter makes you sound cold. Why would telling someone you love them offend you so much when you are putting your body inside of them? Odd or it wasn't love. But I think you should bring that up with your therapist. It could maybe tell them and yourself about why you are not having real connections with people on any basis.
And you dont think the problem he had by making his girlfriend the center of his world, being needy and annoying doesn't stem from the fact that he's never lived on his own? If he went to college or had roommates he probably wouldn't have made her friends his only friends. If he had experiences with multiple types of women he would have seen the red flags with this girl and never would have dated her. It's the lack of experience that has come with the life-path he's chosen that has led to his dependency and clingyness.
It is a double standard that he placed on her though when she acted entitled to so much when she was living at home, while he was living there, stock piling money (for reasons none of us understand) rather than actually going out and living his own life. Separate from her. Separate from his parents.
I hear what you are saying but I agree with burgler on this. I lived at home through college too, but I still had college friends, high school (and even elementary school) friends I saw on a regular basis. I had a social life. And a boyfriend. I saw him pretty often, sometimes with my friends, or his friends, or just us, but I also made sure to spend time with my friends apart from him as well. I don't think choosing to live at home through school necessarily stunts your growth into adulthood, and I don't even think living at home a few years past school does--but you have to be careful once you've graduated and gotten a job, because it is easy to get stuck. (I moved out literally 10 days after I was done with finals. I couldn't wait to be on my own!)
I think the real problem here is OP made the mistake of centering his entire life around an SO at the expense of his own friendships. That's a terrible idea and never ends well. Now he's finding himself alone and missing her, of course he does--he might not even really miss her as a person, but now he's totally alone and wants at least some semblance of a social life back.
I do agree that he should be focusing now on moving out and starting something new. He is at the prime of his life here. OP, I suggest either small changes (moving out to a neighboring city from where your job is...or same city..whatever works) or if you really want to shake it up a bit see if you can't transfer someplace where $110K can outright buy you a nice starter house, or at like buy you 75% of a starter house since you want to own one so badly. If you're going to be alone and start fresh you might as well make some changes that will help you achieve your goals while you're at it, and it seems like home ownership is important to you. the bottom line is, staying where you're at isn't going to help you anymore. I don't see your situation changing the longer you keep living with your parents.
1) Your (OPs) biggest problem is social isolation. Call the friends who you used to hang out with and whom live in the area up. They miss you too and will want to hang out again. Don't have any old friends locally? Call your acquaintances. Don't have any acquaintances? Find a regular activity group and meet people. Far more important than moving out or a relationship is friendship and general social non-isolation. If the only connection you have with the outside world is your work and your parents you will go stir-crazy.
2) Less importantly, you should make a decision about the housing thing, you have a few options, and no one is objectively better than the other, but, you should make a real decision rather than just go with inertia:
A) Keep doing what you're doing and save up more cash. Downside is, you won't be independent and you won't be able to date (you still will be able to get a girlfriend, FWB, find hookups, etc., but, you won't be able to date, and with a small social network out of school pulling that off without access to traditional dating will be much harder)
B) Rent a place. If you do this, I highly suggest roommates. You instantly get some of the greater social connectivity you clearly lack, AND in expensive housing markets like the Boston area you can cut your costs by a solid 1/3 with only one roommate. Downside is it is the worst option in the long term financially
C) Buy a co-op/condo. If your employment is sufficiently stable (you expect to be there in 5 years) and you don't like the idea of having (a) roommate(s) this is an excellent idea. You have a sufficient down payment, sufficient income, rents are going up quickly and both housing costs and interest rates are at historic lows. Again, assuming stable employment you'll likely stay there until when/if you have a kid, so, more than long enough to beat out renting hands down given the current market.
3) Least importantly, find another girl. It will blunt the lingering emotional impact of the breakup.
No shame living off your parents. That's what they are there for. I'm in my late 20's and I take every penny my parents give me...sometimes I forget to say thank you. If they want to spend money on you, let them. Keep living the dream and hold on to all your money. Screw what everyone else thinks.
I live with my parents and save every penny that I can. There is nothing wrong with that. A lot of people that I know are in the same boat and are very conservative when it comes to spending money. The ones that live on their own don't have any savings, they live paycheck to paycheck, are not responsible with their finances, and are all about projecting a lifestyle that they can't support. I will move out once I have enough in savings and make enough to support myself without overextending my credit.
I feel this attitude may leave me single for a long time
Yes, but you need be alone for a while. To become strong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3rdgear
if not for the rest of my life.
No, it won't happen.
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