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Originally Posted by 3rdgear
My girlfriend was my saving grace, as she was younger, had more friends than I did, a great family, and I really (looking back on it, I made a mistake in doing this) made her life into my own, as opposed to trying to have my own life.
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If it makes you feel better, lots of people form a social circle with a spouse or girlfriend. And then they feel cut adrift after it ends. So don't feel like you're the only one. I do think all your problems are solvable, but it may involve taking steps you aren't eager to. The first has to be establishing independence in an adult way from your family. That means you're going to have to move out and get your own place, start looking for adult friends, perhaps by joining some meet-up groups.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3rdgear
The relationship was great for 3 years but the last 6 months were terrible. It didn't work out between us. I was the one who basically initiated ending it. I didn't think it would ever get to that point but I could not ignore what I was feeling at the end. She was very emotionally needy, and I'm not the type to be overly affectionate. It caused conflict. Example - we'd be in the middle of being intimate and she'd ask me - "do you love me?". I don't know about other guys but when I'm in the middle of sex that's not the type of question I feel like answering. Time and a place.
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This is an area where I'm going to try to give you a woman's view on things, and you can take it or leave it (but keep in mind that if your ultimate goal is to attract a woman, you might want to consider how we think.) Sex is a very intimate thing. It's not just two animals rutting out in the woods. It's not a handshake you give out to anyone you pass on the street. Yes, there is a physical component to it that is enjoyable as well. But to many women, the act of sex is an expression of love and deep affection in itself, especially when we're talking about someone you've been in a relationship for 3 years, therefore there would be no more natural time in the world for feelings and expressions of mutual love to come up.
You claim you are "not overly affectionate" and seemed really creeped out that she would want to hear that you loved her during sex. Your girlfriend may have been needier than average, but I want to warn you that
very few women are going to be cool with a guy who is stiff and held back and unaffectionate. If you are looking to attract a woman and be in a relationship in the long run, part of your work may need to be going to counseling to work through this and find a way to get more in touch with that side of yourself. That's not saying something is "wrong" with you, just you saying you want to make sure you're healthy in every way before embarking in a relationship. Mentally and emotionally are every bit as important as physically--the latter being where it sounds like you've focused most of your attention regarding personal improvement.
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Originally Posted by 3rdgear
In fact this relationship has left me quite jaded. I now feel as if I am the prize, and girls should be kissing my ass. I am the one with the good, stable job. I'm sharp, funny, have a good education, handsome, etc. etc. I would love a girl more than anything in the world if she was worth it to me. This attitude may or may not be productive but it's the only thing that's getting me through this. I'm in no mood to "chase" a girl. I'm not looking at what I can do to get a girl any more. I now look for what a girl has that she should deserve someone like me, to deserve my attention and my love. She needs to be the cream of the crop, and I will no longer settle for anything less.
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You're right to be worried about this attitude. You have many good things in your favor, but also some things that while they may not impede you from attracting a girl initially, will ultimately end any longer term relationship you try to have. A relationship is not about "can I get the cream of the crop?" but about a mutual connection between two people and wanting to nurture that. It's about wanting to make someone else's life better, rather than just focusing in on what they can do for you.
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Originally Posted by 3rdgear
I feel this attitude may leave me single for a long time if not for the rest of my life. Being picky is really not a good thing. Unfortunately though, I wasn't picky about my old girlfriend and look where it left me. Alone, hurt and jaded. I feel being single indefinetely is a better option than where I am now.
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I'm going to be honest (and I know you may not want to hear this) and say that to me it reads like the failure between you and your ex-girlfriend was not so much that you "weren't picky enough" but rather that the two of you were only a 70% match (not compatible enough) and that neither of you were mature enough to be
giving in the relationship. You were not willing to freely give the expressions of love that were what SHE needed to feel loved. She was not willing to work on her independence and was not willing to meet you as an equal partner to make you feel loved in the way you needed. So moving forward, I would try to focus more on the areas within yourself that feel very tender and like a place you don't want to go--because these are the very things you want to address so that when the time comes and you find another girl you are interested in (which will happen, even if you're still wounded now), you won't repeat the same patterns with her because of what's going on inside of you. Good luck.
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