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I am not disagreeing with the staying by their side and helping them through it - but when someone is blaming all their problems on you and talking about bailing on their family - that is just crazy. I agree that people are lazy and selfish - I think blaming your partner for everything and talking about leaving your family for a few months to get your head together is pretty selfish....
Depression can be like that, it can make you feel like everybody is agianst you, if you know your partner is depressed then you should help, if not then there really wasn't anything there in the first place and maybe they are right to feel the way they do. It's just my opinion but I like to see a couple try to find a solution in a positive way than to start looking at negitives first.
My wife was depressed for 12 years after we lost our son and for all that time I stood right there and listened to things I couldn't understand but I did it for her because of love and when I was injured and got depressed she was right there for me.
I get sticking with someone - I would never walk away from my husband - but I would boot him in the head and make him deal with his issues if he started talking about walking out on us......
Everyone has to figure things out for themselves - I actually think that counseling can help - not that it's a cure all - but sometimes forces you to deal with things that maybe you wouldn't normally - or at least communicate them....
Marriage is a two way street - each person has a responsibility to the other. Yes - depression can change you - but it still is not an excuse to treat your significant other like crap.
All I'm really trying to say is to look for a positive way to aproach this problem, get to the problem and get help, you may need professional help to do this. Keep him at home.
Don't start negitive actions before they are warranted, hiring a PI to follow him, checking phone bills, following him around, these things will backfire.
If you love him and want to be married then help him get through this.
To the people that throw cheating in the mix so fast, if he was cheating he probably wouldn't be depressed he would be exited as if he had a new toy and he wouldn't come home and crash he would find excuses to be away from home.
I get sticking with someone - I would never walk away from my husband - but I would boot him in the head and make him deal with his issues if he started talking about walking out on us......
Everyone has to figure things out for themselves - I actually think that counseling can help - not that it's a cure all - but sometimes forces you to deal with things that maybe you wouldn't normally - or at least communicate them....
Marriage is a two way street - each person has a responsibility to the other. Yes - depression can change you - but it still is not an excuse to treat your significant other like crap.
Excellent post. Verbal abuse is a red flag also....sounds like he is verbally abusive to the OP....self- esteeem starts crumbling...
Then, when you get it back, they want you back (lol-my stbx thinks we are getting back together....no way, Jose)
I heard almost exactly the same statements from my X. Heed the advice here, be ready for anything, put as much money aside as you can, forget about going to work, enroll in school in a program that can get you a decent paying job if you end up on your own.
What he's telling you is that he wants someone to pay more attention to him. This doesn't mean catering to him as he'll just keep twisting it so you can't comply enough. (I got the minutia of the toast not being the precise correct color) What I would do is keep him busy, helping with the kids, taking the kids places, doing things around the house - then, I'd praise him for his involvement. (The Pavlov method) Right now he's trying to detach himself and you're letting him.
If that doesn't work, he's already gone. I wouldn't bother with counseling the innane one's I went to suggested I compromise on his seeing his girlfriend, what jerks!
As a last resort you can mention my X, who after the stripper he thought was the worlds end and looked up to him ended up ruining his life and health...then there was the next one who's in jail for hiring a hit man so she could get whatever money he had....The guys a wreck, physically and financially. Can't really feel bad after all the $hit he put me through. Sometimes they're too stupid to realize when they have it good.
I am not sure he is cheating but he is looking for attention. He has gotten to the point in his life that he is not young and hip like he was. I think he craves the attention he used to get from women on a regular basis. He should seek help about his depression. It seems to hit men harder who have always had high self esteem issues and was once the handsome jock who made women look his way. One forty year old fellow from my chuch did leave his wife for a women in her mid 20s and he looked like a dam fool. He ended up getting her pregnant with triplets.
Here's my two cents. He has someone else. He shows signs of depression around you and the kids because he's got pangs of guilt. But depressed people don't neaten up. They do the opposite. They let things go. He has stated that you 'missed the boat' and you 'neglected him'. That's his way of justifying what he's doing. Cheaters always blame the other person for what they're doing. He wants the time away from you to screw around without having to come home to you and the kids and experience the guilt. He doesn't want to separate because he's afraid that you'll do just what he's doing.......finding someone else. If you do let him go away for a while, he will come to realize that she isn't worth giving up his family for. Then he'll come back to you for a while until he decides he wants to do it again. You'll become a nutcase trying to figure him out because you love him. Sorry to put it out there so bluntly but it's almost certainly what's going on.
A note to women. Private investigators say that when a guy finds someone else he usually gets new underwear. Not a sure sign of infidelity, but when combined with your gut instincts, and other evidence, it's a factor worth noting.
This post is two year old. Perhaps the person can give us an update? Really, in two years I think she would have her answer.
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