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Honestly I will vomit into my own shoe if that's the case. But I guess I'll have to be supportive...
You always make me laugh. But anyway, there's not really a lot you can do, except maybe recruit the guy on C-D who is trying to break up his cousin and her sugar daddy. Seriously though, you've already made it clear to her that you think it's an awful idea and that you don't want to talk or hear about it. If she insists on discussing it your choices are to grin and bear it or stop talking to her all together.
I suppose you could rat her out to the wife, but that would create its own bunch of angst, anxiety, trouble and unknown repercussions.
If she wasn't like this before the death of her husband (and if she's not pg) I imagine she'll come to her senses before it's all over. She may be acting out of grief and maybe a sense of "freedom" in a sort of tacky way. Did she marry young? Did she have a happy marriage? It's possible to feel two conflicting things at once--grief and relief, freedom and guilt. Maybe she's excited to be single (hence the dating and feeling validated about being sexy) but feeling very guilty about it (which explains why she won't date a nice single guy).
I have a low tolerance level for things like this. I'd tell her, "You have one week to break this off, or I'm going to tell his live-in." And then I'd do it. Yes, seriously. There is nothing worse than being kept in the dark about being made a fool of. My sympathy is with V. all the way.
My uncle cheated on my aunt, and almost worse than the cheating itself was the way the entire rest of the family kept it from her! I found out about it in a letter my other aunt had written to my father, so I told her. She has been grateful to me ever since. My dad was less than thrilled, of course, but honestly...!
I've also been the one made a fool of; my now ex-husband made a pass at my best friend while I was resting in the next room! When we were getting divorced, he confessed, and when I asked her why she didn't tell me, she said, "I didn't want to interfere in your marriage." Interfere?! No, she should have told me what was going on so I could kick his behind to the curb!
I know my stance is an unpopular one, and that most people would mind their own business and not say anything, but I stand by my reasons.
A shoe full of vomit. Now there's a pretty picture!
Have you told your sis exactly how you feel? Have you told her you don't want to hear about her affair? What a mess. And karma will indeed bring it back around. You'd better stock up on tissue and icecream...because this is only gonna get better...well worse...especially if she is with child. Some guys just need to be castrated for their behavior.
She soes sound like she might be craving some attention out of this whole mess...trying to get you to somehow validate that what she is doing is OK - that's because she knows it's not. Just do your best to not 'bite' when she dangles this stuff in front of you...she sounds like she wants to engage you. I know it's difficult...I have never cheated, and feel probably just as strongly about it as you do. However, I had a boyfriend from college (dated 7 years) who cheated on me...and I felt devestated.I wasn't sure if I could stay, and didn't know if I wanted to go. By the time you get a little older, you realize that someone can be a good person and still make unwise decisions.
She soes sound like she might be craving some attention out of this whole mess...trying to get you to somehow validate that what she is doing is OK - that's because she knows it's not. Just do your best to not 'bite' when she dangles this stuff in front of you...she sounds like she wants to engage you. I know it's difficult...I have never cheated, and feel probably just as strongly about it as you do. However, I had a boyfriend from college (dated 7 years) who cheated on me...and I felt devestated.I wasn't sure if I could stay, and didn't know if I wanted to go. By the time you get a little older, you realize that someone can be a good person and still make unwise decisions.
well said, but I'm wondering, if maybe you should hit her with a 2 x 4 of words of what we said here....
or print this out and give it to her?????
I'm wondering why, she has such little self esteme, that she would venture into something like this? I'm also wondering, if....she is with child....down the road...she is going to feel like poop about herself, and end up choosing the first guy who comes along to take care of the baby? And if she is with child, is she going to be the one to tell him and his wife?
This is ugly and could get worse....
I dunno? Maybe you should really yell at her and **** her off...so she storms out of the house, gets mad at you and doesn't talk to you for a few months...you will give her someting to think about....she'll get over it...I think...
Well, she just e-mailed me and said she took the pregnancy test and that it is negative.
Then she said it isn't fair that she doesn't get to pick the guy she wants; that he gets to choose whether to be with her or not and she has to just wait.
I replied that this is because he's already taken. I told her it's totally untrue that she hasn't picked her guys in the past. After all, she loved my brother-in-law, didn't she?
I wanted to continue by saying that she in fact picked this particular guy, now, out of a pool of guys who weren't committed to someone else...and that it could be because she's secretly afraid of getting into a relationship or whatever...but then I realized something. She wanted to re-engage me in long conversations about this thing, and I don't want to do it. Period.
So instead I kept the e-mail very short. I told her that she should leave this guy. I told her that I can not tell her what she wants to hear. I can't be supportive. I told her this makes me feel like I'm failing her, but that I will not and can not change my mind: I feel it is wrong, I do not feel a liar and a cheater is wonderful, I do not feel that there could be any guy on earth so fantastic that his fantastic parts would override the lying and cheating part, and that I love her, etc. And that's it.
I will not be a party to this any longer. It's ridiculous and she's manipulating me so that she can have someone telling her she's doing the right thing. Well...she isn't! She just isn't. Period. She wants, she wants, she wants, she wants. Well, what about what V, the girlfriend, wants? What about what I want--to not hear totally unsavory things every single day? I'm so angry at her right now. But I'm really angriest because this cr*p almost worked and I was just about sucked right back into it again. That may sound weird, but...it's how I feel about it. I love my sister but, like all of us, she has a few unsavory qualities. One is her sense of entitlement--she was always the "little queen" of the household--and another is that when she can't get her way, she'll manipulate. I don't want to have to focus on these things about her and this whole situation is bringing them out, and I think that's what upsets and disappoints me the most.
But I'm not going to be someone's sounding board about something that is completely abhorrent to me. I just won't and that's that.
What a mess. I think you said it in your last post, JerZ - "Leave me out of it." It's one of my stock phrases. You've not minced words so far and that phrase is a good stopper. Of course, you should throw in the "I love you" (without any "buts"), BUT, "leave me out of it (you fool)."
If she wasn't like this before the death of her husband (and if she's not pg) I imagine she'll come to her senses before it's all over. She may be acting out of grief and maybe a sense of "freedom" in a sort of tacky way. Did she marry young? Did she have a happy marriage? It's possible to feel two conflicting things at once--grief and relief, freedom and guilt. Maybe she's excited to be single (hence the dating and feeling validated about being sexy) but feeling very guilty about it (which explains why she won't date a nice single guy).
Oh...d'oh...I never answered this question. She was married to my brother-in-law for ten years. This was her second marriage. She already had my niece at the time. They were very close, or I thought they were. They were like two peas in a pod. My sister's former marriage had been based primarily on security--I don't mean just financial security, they're not rich, I mean security in general; a "staid" man, a good man, etc. For her second marriage, my sister went almost solely on emotions, doing a complete 180. I feel like my second BIL, the one who died, might have been my sister's soul mate.
It HAD to hurt when he died. I know she must be hiding her feelings to a large extent. She's almost weird about it. I know all this stuff, put together, makes for a psychological perfect storm and could be resulting in a grown-up form of acting out. I have heard of widows or widowers going, for example, nuts with sex and just running around all over town and being wild. I know that's a psychological reaction. But even though I can understand why there would be a reaction...this one is hurting people. Especially V--I keep thinking, what if I were V? What if my husband were doing this...ughhhhhhhhhhhh...I can't be on-board with my sister about this.
The conflicting-feelings part you mentioned is definitely interesting. My BIL left life insurance. My sister keeps talking about how, even though this is a tragedy, maybe it's God letting her "finally do what she wants," etc. and to live life for herself. That comment definitely freaks me out a little but who knows? Maybe it's a common feeling that creeps in there. Maybe it's something a lot of widows or widowers feel and, as you said, makes for some serious guilt.
Yes, and I would feel bad for 'V' too...but not because her man is involved with your sister; but because he is a selfish, liar. Again, he is not such a 'prize'. The best thing that may happen to 'V' may be that she will find out, pick herself up and move on from this man to find someone who loves her and treats her well.
could be because she's secretly afraid of getting into a relationship or whatever...but then I realized something. She wanted to re-engage me in long conversations about this thing, and I don't want to do it. Period..
JerZ, I've thought this myself....
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Originally Posted by JerZ
So instead I kept the e-mail very short. I told her that she should leave this guy. I told her that I can not tell her what she wants to hear. I can't be supportive. I told her this makes me feel like I'm failing her, but that I will not and can not change my mind: I feel it is wrong, I do not feel a liar and a cheater is wonderful, I do not feel that there could be any guy on earth so fantastic that his fantastic parts would override the lying and cheating part, and that I love her, etc. And that's it.
Good for you! I think she knows deep down in that heart of hearts of her's, she is doing something wrong...I really believe, she is still in shock and pain over loosing her love...therefore, she's accepting the first person whose come along and showed her attention...she was vulnerable, to say the least. She jumped on the band wagon and doesn't know how to jump off/thinking part of her thinks, this is better then not having nothing, and she knows she doesn't love him really, she just thinks she does. I believe she's still in great emotions over loosing her hubby.? I dunno Jerz?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
I will not be a party to this any longer. It's ridiculous and she's manipulating me so that she can have someone telling her she's doing the right thing.
your absolutely right...and I don't blame you for your feelings...I'd feel that way to...
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
Well...she isn't! She just isn't. Period. She wants, she wants, she wants, she wants. Well, what about what V, the girlfriend, wants? What about what I want--to not hear totally unsavory things every single day? I'm so angry at her right now. But I'm really angriest because this cr*p almost worked and I was just about sucked right back into it again.
it's ok, it's only natural to feel compassion for her, b/c you know
what she's been going through...your human...
I think, your correct, she wants you to give her approval for what she's doing, but, in the same, I believe she's in denial more then anything else, as to what she is doing?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
That may sound weird, but...it's how I feel about it. I love my sister but, like all of us, she has a few unsavory qualities. One is her sense of entitlement--she was always the "little queen" of the household--and another is that when she can't get her way, she'll manipulate. I don't want to have to focus on these things about her and this whole situation is bringing them out, and I think that's what upsets and disappoints me the most.
Your a very wise girl...very wise and also aware...that's good...I really do believe, you should set up an appointment with a counselor and/or try to talk her into going...don't mention this parasite she's seeing....and tell her you will go with her....she needs help that you can't give her...see, where you and I differ, if she asked me on the phone, I'd spew out everything you just said...give her food for thought...but that isn't always right....you see, when you do that, you have to be ready to live with the consequences...at my age, I could give a you know what...but when your younger, well, things are different...
I know, in the end, all will work out, and perhaps, you have to keep doing what your doing...and just allow her to get hurt....I feel badly for the other gal to...I never, ever could force myself, to date someone who is taken, b/c I never want to hurt another like I've been hurt...don't want to be responsible for that....
I'm sorry your going thru this, and I'm sorry for your sister and all those she's hurting around her...
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
But I'm not going to be someone's sounding board about something that is completely abhorrent to me. I just won't and that's that.
yanno, regardless of the anger, pain and hurt your going thru, I need to tell you, girl, I'm very proud of you for not compromising your personal morals....Good for YOu, and if you were here, I'd give you a hug...
Other then that, try and preoccupy your thoughts and allow her to just be right now...your a better person then me, for what you are doing....hugs to ya and best thoughts and prayers...
Creme
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My sympathy is with V. all the way.
