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I don't know if that's a grudge dennis58... maybe it's just being smart. She ripped you a new one for buying her sweets - so it's really just self preservation if you don't buy her anymore Right?
Dennis, are you sure you want to marry this woman? So far, almost everything you've posted on here has raised big red flags. First it was the name thing, which you feel strongly about. Then it was the question about how to handle big arguments and I think you said she left you stranded on the road once after a fight. Now you say that you bought her candy and she sent you a scathing e-mail, so you retaliated in a passive-aggressive way by buying an ice-cream cone and not offering to buy her one.
None of this sounds like two people who are ready to get married. This is probably not any of my business, but hey, it's a public message board.
Regarding the candy, if she felt that strongly about it she should have thrown it away and asked you kindly not to buy her any more. I asked my dh to stop bringing me candy bars once, but I wasn't mad about it. He was being sweet but I didn't want the calories. No big deal.
And yes, I hold grudges. Not against the people I love, but usually against people I don't know very well. My dh was fired from a job 8 years ago and I still flip off the shop where he was fired every time we drive by. He got over it a long time ago.
As a Christian, my beliefs include strong exhortations about forgiveness. That said, I don't always find that easy but I certainly try to forgive.
Even apart from religious conviction, psychologists are saying now that it is much more psychologically healthy to forgive rather than hold a grudge. Seems to even affect our health in a more positive way.
But in interpersonal relationships like that of a spouse or fiance, I do think that often it is easy to let little grievances pile up if we're not careful. Regarding the candy, I think you should have told her that her response hurt your feelings/made you angry or whatever. There is nothing wrong with respectful confrontation in most situations. (I do say most, not all!) I think it helps when we express our feelings to the person. Even if they don't receive it in the way we might like, I think it helps us to feel like we were heard and not consequently, hold a grudge. I know it helps me anyway.
Well sort of. I really don't have many examples. But one in particular. My ex. Cheated and I removed her from my life. She moved on blah blah blah...and eventually moved back to my area. Now she acts like we are old friends and will try to talk to me in public places etc. I usually just shine her off/give her the cold shoulder and walk away. Is that bad?
No, not at all...
my ex phoned me from 20 some years ago....I spoke with him politely, until he had the nerve to say, he wanted to take me to dinner....I said, sorry, can't go there and please don't call me again....?
I can't hold grudges...people have told me I'm to forgiving...I say what I need to say, and it's over, and I may be abrasive when I say it, but I can't keep it in anymore...used to, and that's no good, so I'd rather chance someone getting angry at me, then getting sick.
But in interpersonal relationships like that of a spouse or fiance, I do think that often it is easy to let little grievances pile up if we're not careful. Regarding the candy, I think you should have told her that her response hurt your feelings/made you angry or whatever. There is nothing wrong with respectful confrontation in most situations. (I do say most, not all!) I think it helps when we express our feelings to the person. Even if they don't receive it in the way we might like, I think it helps us to feel like we were heard and not consequently, hold a grudge. I know it helps me anyway.
Dennis, I don't know what to say, except the fact that I would, if I were you, serioulsy think about all the things you've posted on here about this woman....and consider, that once your married, things will get worse...it seems to me, she has already contaminated the relationship...otherwise, I don't believe you'd be posting these questions...maybe your in denial...or, maybe your looking for approval. Only you can answer those questions, but if I were you, I'd definately evaluate this situation, carefully...and cautiously and get your head outa the sand....
People here in this forum and wise, concerned and helpful, so, they as a group can and have offered you some very constructive advice.
Well sort of. I really don't have many examples. But one in particular. My ex. Cheated and I removed her from my life. She moved on blah blah blah...and eventually moved back to my area. Now she acts like we are old friends and will try to talk to me in public places etc. I usually just shine her off/give her the cold shoulder and walk away. Is that bad?
Dennis, are you sure you want to marry this woman? So far, almost everything you've posted on here has raised big red flags. First it was the name thing, which you feel strongly about. Then it was the question about how to handle big arguments and I think you said she left you stranded on the road once after a fight. Now you say that you bought her candy and she sent you a scathing e-mail, so you retaliated in a passive-aggressive way by buying an ice-cream cone and not offering to buy her one.
None of this sounds like two people who are ready to get married. This is probably not any of my business, but hey, it's a public message board.
Regarding the candy, if she felt that strongly about it she should have thrown it away and asked you kindly not to buy her any more. I asked my dh to stop bringing me candy bars once, but I wasn't mad about it. He was being sweet but I didn't want the calories. No big deal.
And yes, I hold grudges. Not against the people I love, but usually against people I don't know very well. My dh was fired from a job 8 years ago and I still flip off the shop where he was fired every time we drive by. He got over it a long time ago.
Well, we've had our differences, thats for sure. But, in spite of it all, I honestly do love this woman. The biggest problem she has is that she stayed in an abusive marriage to an alcoholic for almost fourteen years. This may sound weird, but I believe she was treated badly for so long, that she doesn't know how to deal with me treating her well. Counseling has made a lot of difference in the way she reacts to me. It's a long story, but she really was put thru the wringer by her ex-husband. So, I would have to say that I now deal with problems that another man caused. Maybe some of the women reading this will kind of know what I'm talking about. But, looking back to when we first got together, there is no comparision. She is really like a different person now. And, I really don't harbor resentments again'st her, but my deal is that I can be hard-headed about some things. The candy thing is really a small thing I guess, but I still have no plan to ever buy her any more. In fact, since that deal happened, two valentines days have gone by, and its been flowers, a small gift, but not a speck of candy. And, just so everyone knows, I do realize how silly this candy thing sounds, but I was trying to pick a true example to use for my thread. I wanted an example that was very close to my personal life, because if I spoke of all the brown-nosing co-workers I've dealt with and some of my so-called friends etc. I would probably wear out my keyboard and bore everyone to death. I sure enjoy hearing everyones thoughts and advice though. Take care all
Holding a grudge will hold you down. That's why I don't hold grudges.
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Right?
but I certainly try to forgive.
