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Why, exactly, would you be interested in a woman like this?????????????? Sounds like you are setting yourself up for some serious disappointment and hurt.
stopped reading the other responses when I got to this one. This ^^^^ I wouldn't waste a second on someone like this. Not even for a night in bed. She may as well be wearing a BEWARE sign.
Did she make out with women while you're in a relationship? If so, that's not really ok. If not, you have to decide if this is the kind of woman with whom you want to have a relationship. To me whatever happened in the past is the past. Nobody's perfect but I can understand how these opposite sex friendships can be uncomfortable. However, if she hasn't done anything wrong in your relationship, it's not really fair to want her to change.
I think you either need to find someone more conservative or spend some more time single. The therapy suggestion is a good one. Nobody wants a jealous partner and this will affect you in other relationships if you learn about things in your partner's past (and everyone has skeletons, I don't care who you are).
First off I just want to say thanks for all the replies so far, i really need some feedback and for that I am grateful. I just want to say Im not trying to change anyone, not at all. I am fully aware that issues here could be 100 percent me. And thats why she is still with me and I with her. I treat her great, and its been reciprocated. So I just wanna make that clear that I have in no way controlled, or asked her to chage. Althogh the past is the past, I cant help but feel that if someone is prone to being a certain way in adulthood, its not just easy to do a 180 and be someone totally different, as she is with me. But in terms of her cheating in the past, yes, she told me she has. So is that something to look over and say it was in the past...thats the issue. I dont want her to end up doing what she did to others to me. Just fearful. Like a car thats broken down 10 times, even though its in the past, im still gonna have tht fear while driving it as oppose to one thats been running well. And i am seeking some help in regards to me, I know my history has caused a lot of hurt for me.
Since you can't control her and really you don't want to go there, I think you need to have a conversation with her about cheating. It sounds like cheating is an important issue to you (it is to most), I think I'd lay it all out to her. State your feelings on the subject and let her know the relationship is over if she ever cheats on you. Tell her if she doesn't think she can stop, then the relationship should end now.
And i am seeking some help in regards to me, I know my history has caused a lot of hurt for me.
Based on this statement alone, it sounds like you may not be fully equipped (outside of her past) to be in a relationship with her (or women like her). Maybe later in your life when you have worked through whatever issues you have outside this relationship, you may be in the right mindset to date someone like her, but, depending on your issues, you maybe shouldn't be dating period, or should be dating someone a little more "simple".
Hey all, been reading these forums a long time, thanks for taking the time to read mine.
So I'll try to make this as short and straight to the point as I can. I was in a terribly bad relationship a few years ago. It really ruined me, causing anxiety and stress on huge levels. I was lucky enough to get out, and growing up in a bad family environment as a child, in a way swore off relationships after that for fear of facing those same trials again. 7 months ago I met this awesome girl, and decided I would give it a go. I was completely honest and told her what my mind set was, and where I was coming from. But I'm kind of suffering in silence because my trust for relationships, and there fore her, is not there. I'm not sure if I have the right to be questioning, or maybe I am just not ready to be in a relationship. So here are the things that cause me to question:
-She has slept with guys in the past she still hangs out with and communicates with - she told me point blank when we first met that she chose to sleep around with friends instead of random people.
-She has made out with multiple females, and kind of lied to me about that. One of these girls shes made out with asked if she would have threesome with her and her boyfriend one night at a party - in my mind, a good friend wouldn't ask you that unless they think of you in that way or you have already done that sort of stuff - no alcohol influenced that question.
-She was into drugs before I met her, actually quite soon before I met her ( coke and ex ). Her crowd she chills with is into all that as well...tattoos and drugs. She has not done this since being with me to my knowledge
-She is kind of a girl that always has a bf. I worked with her and she basically went after me straight after breaking up with her old bf. Which she was with shortly after her earlier bf.
- Most of her friends are guys, and since shes made the comment about sleeping with friends in the past, I wonder how many of these dudes have done this with her.
- She has the wandering eye syndrome, always kind of checking out guys when I'm around. I know it happens, but I dont do that when shes around, i try not to do it period - as Im with her. Just adds to the whole mess I guess
- One of her friends from work made a comment about her at one work party and said she was the type of girl to sleep around, this was before we started dating or really had any relationship. So the opinions of her that I got were not good - maybe chaulk it up to jealousy of her, I know girls do that.
But the problem is she has really put this stuff aside while with me. She makes an effort and really treats me well, doesnt really even want to hang out with this crew as much as before - I just cant get over these things and wonder if it is possible for someone to change if they were like that such a short time ago. And than theres me, maybe its just me not being prepared to deal with the hiccups of a relationship. I kind of am alone over here, I have zero people in my life that I can speak these things about. Please help
Thanks
I do believe people can change......I also believe if someone finds the right person, that gives them the motivation to change. It would be only fair to this girl for you to tell her what is on your mind. If you want a relationship with this girl then being honest with her would be the best start. If she walks away after you tell her your concerns then I would say that she is not ready for an honest relationship herself........Just be honest and less stressed.......
Honestly, what I think you need is therapy. It doesn't sound like you're in a good position for a relationship. She's doing nothing wrong here and you're the one who has a problem. Those bad things in the past take time to deal with.
In terms of your other comments, you're being rather judgmental about someone you care about. Those things she did in the past? You can't change those.
I wouldn't say he needs actual therapy, but I agree, he certainly has issues!!
I don't even understand how he ended up in a relationship with someone he clearly has no respect for.
eta:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Will_Michael
And i am seeking some help in regards to me, I know my history has caused a lot of hurt for me.
I wouldn't say he needs actual therapy, but I agree, he certainly has issues!!
I don't even understand how he ended up in a relationship with someone he clearly has no respect for.
Although I have concerns, this does not mean I lack respect for her. I have already stated that she is a great girl to me, and that we both treat each other awesome.
I can see that most of the messages here are split, which shows me I have some grounds for concern, though whether or not I should place so much weight on them is up for debate.
Out of what I stated, obviously the drugs, the cheating and being around people she has slept with is the greatest concern. If anyone here was in my shoes, how would you feel or deal with this situation? Being around others who your S/O had bad habits with, cheated with, slept with. I mean, I really dont think thats something anyone would be comfortable being around. Knowing someone you care about is in constant contact with that old life. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Although I have concerns, this does not mean I lack respect for her. I have already stated that she is a great girl to me, and that we both treat each other awesome.
I can see that most of the messages here are split, which shows me I have some grounds for concern, though whether or not I should place so much weight on them is up for debate.
Out of what I stated, obviously the drugs, the cheating and being around people she has slept with is the greatest concern. If anyone here was in my shoes, how would you feel or deal with this situation? Being around others who your S/O had bad habits with, cheated with, slept with. I mean, I really dont think thats something anyone would be comfortable being around. Knowing someone you care about is in constant contact with that old life. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I fit everything in your list. I have never cheated on a boyfriend though and would never cheat on someone I truly love. I know it's hard for close minded people on these boards to understand that someone like your girlfriend (me) can actually be a good partner and person, but, for someone I love, the past (sex, drugs, parties) stopped for the right person. My current (and all boyfriends) knew my past and accepted it. We never discussed it and the trust was never broken.
There are a lot of men who cant handle a women with a past like mine/your gf's. If your one of them, do both of you a favor, accept her or get out.
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