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Just do what is right- put the emotion and spite aside- that is what you tell your brother- take the high ground and protect woman and child- be a noble
^^^^I agree 1000%! I can't for the life of me understand what he sees in her.
Tic, as I have stated, some people are good at hiding their true selves until they feel comfortable enough to “let loose” By this time? The other person is already enmeshed with them and it gets more difficult to say goodbye.
By this I mean, you as a human being have gained loved for this person and anything this person does and has a reason for somehow becomes “This is not them, this is the illness, this is them when they are cycling, going through a bad spot in their lives” These behaviors start out less violent and then escalate if the behavior is not stopped and dealt with. It somehow becomes an okay existence between both parties because accountability is not prevalent in the relationship,,the illness is the monster, to blame instead of holding the person accountable for getting their illness under control!
Having poor boundaries is very common…
The mentality “They are going through a crazy time, this will pass soon” and allowing abuse to occur over and over is commonplace.
This also is more readily accepted by those whom do suffer from depression, low self esteem or a experience with this type of behavior that is highly inappropriate somewhere in their childhood.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleg Bach
First...The moment violence arose...He should have done exactly what woman do to control and get the benefits out of the system...He should have quietly gone to the authorities and stated that "I fear for my life"- It works for woman and it will work for a male...BUT the last thing you want is for the child protection people to sweep in and snatch the child. As for the child- you should know just by looking if the kid is yours. Ear shape- the setting of the eyes..skull configuration...might not be a clone of you but will have some traits that are familiar to your family. This works in cases where the person has nothing invested..no children shared ect..or does not have any priors of DV in the family..I was a victim of DV..There was never any hitting in my family..However I loved my ex husband, I heard his past, his torrid childhood and his sexual abuse, his playing mommy and daddy to his sibs and so forth. I tried to stick with him because I thought I was strong, I could take it, I became his savior..enabling this behavior.I was going to show him that not everyone was out to get him, not everyone walked away.. Until I felt that this was going to affect our son and I left..It is not always clear cut. It is not always the uneducated, the poor and so forth. DV is prevalent across all socioeconomic divides and education and familial backgrounds.
This sounds like a real mess- You will have to explain that being a man does not negate the idea of spousal abuse. He probably does not understand that he is abused. Put it to him simply- Like the abuse of a common shovel. To take the tool by the handle and push the shovel into the earth is proper USE...To turn the shovel up side down and attempt to push the handle into the earth is ab USE...Lastly warn him never to lay a hand on this person....that will discredit him completely and the feminist eccentric authorities will paint him the bad guy.
This is a real mess to say the least- It sounds like the woman is attempting to take control by provoking the man into committing an assault. The child is the real issue. If the woman wanted to fatally wound the man- she would easily do it without the drama of what I assume were pokes with a kitchen knife....I have known woman that are willing to die in order to take down the man...it appears that she has a score to settle with men in general and her spouse happens to be handy,
This is a dangerous situation.....I would surmise that the female is hoping to be harmed...and your dear brother might be the tool to bring about this harm.
If there was no child- there would be no problem. Even is the child is not his it might not matter much- people who do not like a person always insinuate that the woman is a w****..This is not important....also the in laws are not helping much...The other issue is that it may have taken two to create this mess...and that will have to be addressed if it is the case..
I don't know what to tell you- other than avoid violence at all cost- don't attempt to educate the person- Tell your bro to keep his mouth shut- do not get clouded by emotion- and slowly work this out-
As logical as your advice sounds this is not how it works.. Many people do not understand nor can they fathom staying until they have experienced this with someone they love. Her calls to the PD are simply to cover her own ass and get him taken in as the perp. This is obvious however this is not what the cousin sees.
So pushing too hard? Will cause the cousin to alienate the OP.. He will see her as the enemy, someone who is not willing to listen or someone to be trusted.
The thing to keep in mind as hard as it is?
Are the following.
1. This person is an adult
2. This person has been a victim more than once\
3. This person despite counsel from loved ones keeps going back
4. This person knows the ramifications and has probably had this explained to him more than once.
This is not any different from telling a new 18 year old that they should not drink and drive and they can call you at whatever time and you will pick them up and the whys..
They will do whatever they want to do because they are adults and because they can and because there is a pay off somewhere.
Before jumping to conclusions and judging first you must understand where the mentality is….This person may be getting a payoff because they saw enabling go on in their home for years. Tolerance, ect. They may have their own issues that they are trying to work through and this exactly what led them to this place.
So yes, education is important. Being gentle and providing them psycho education is doing a lot..because you are providing them with the tools when in fact they are ready.
Trust me, I was a DV advocate and Transitional housing coordinator as well as case manager for 5 years and while I started out thinking “what are you waiting for?” I had to reevaluate whether my thoughts were coming from my past, what I should have done, trying to stop someone from waiting as long as I did, I realized that this was my agenda.. I realized I could not save the world but I would do my best in providing all I could while I could to at least get them thinking that there was a better tomorrow out there. I had to realize that this was their lives and things that they could not let go of for whatever reason and maybe as much as it hurt me or scared me THEY WERE NOT READY. It may take them coming to me 4 times throughout their lives before they got it, got the help again and realized they were stronger than they thought..hopefully before they became a statistic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123
you're only as abused as you let yourself be.
that's all you need to tell him, if he doesn't get it from that you wont be getting thorough to him at all. he has to want it himself before anything can change in long term standings.
Thats incredibly sad that he still wants to be with her after she basically attempted to murder him and with her kid situation and all. "Love" does some very very strange things to people indeed. He needs to draw the line of how much abuse he will take, and in this case she went 500 times over what his tolerance line should be.
He needs to walk away, at least temporarily, over things that are far less damaging than what he's been put through. Example..Yesterday before a little party with her family and some friends my live in girlfriend told me "Can you go downstairs and bring that beer cooler up? If its too heavy I'll ask my brother to do it." That statement put me into a depressive and angry mood enough to actually walk out and completely skip the party and not see a single guest. I won't accept her insulting my toughness or masculinity like that, if her brother was some ripped big jock type it would have been a little better maybe but he's nothing like that. I go to the gym and do heavy lifting all the time at my work and she should know that I was perfectly capable of lifting it with relative ease, but sometimes women just try to test their men with disparaging comments and for me in this example she bigtime crossed the line. Some would say I failed her test by getting angry and skipping the party but I really don't care what they think, if I wasn't in the mood for socializing after that then thats all my options allowed me to do. I probably won't talk to her for a few days and she'll have to be the one to try to smooth it over with me first, not the other way around.
Ok, you can seriously compare your girlfriend's "questioning of your masculinity" to years and years of serious physical and mental abuse ?
Now I think I've heard it all !!
Oh, by the way, get some help for your insecurity issues and stop wasting your life away by throwing childish strops whenever anyone pisses you off.
Grow up a bit, dude.
"I probably won't talk to her for a few days and she'll have to be the one to try to smooth it over with me first, not the other way around. "
What, are you guys in kindergarten or something ?
I don't think she's the only one who's questioning your masculinity !
Please tell me your post is humorous and I've missed the joke, otherwise I don't think she's the only one who's questioning your masculinity !
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wambatown81
He needs to walk away, at least temporarily, over things that are far less damaging than what he's been put through. Example..Yesterday before a little party with her family and some friends my live in girlfriend told me "Can you go downstairs and bring that beer cooler up? If its too heavy I'll ask my brother to do it." That statement put me into a depressive and angry mood enough to actually walk out and completely skip the party and not see a single guest. I won't accept her insulting my toughness or masculinity like that, if her brother was some ripped big jock type it would have been a little better maybe but he's nothing like that. I go to the gym and do heavy lifting all the time at my work and she should know that I was perfectly capable of lifting it with relative ease, but sometimes women just try to test their men with disparaging comments and for me in this example she bigtime crossed the line. Some would say I failed her test by getting angry and skipping the party but I really don't care what they think, if I wasn't in the mood for socializing after that then thats all my options allowed me to do. I probably won't talk to her for a few days and she'll have to be the one to try to smooth it over with me first, not the other way around. , not the other way around.
Ok, you can seriously compare your girlfriend's "questioning of your masculinity" to years and years of serious physical and mental abuse ?
No I'm not at all, if you more carefully read my post I said that the man being physically abused clearly needs to walk away from something that is even 500 times less worse than what he was going through, my scenario was obviously an example of something like that, light years less severe.
Quote:
What, are you guys in kindergarten or something ?
I don't think she's the only one who's questioning your masculinity !
Maybe I do question my masculinity a bit, I never said I didn't, but I still won't stand for somebody else doing it. Look, I know you and others and sometimes myself may want to appear like wise sages of advice and wisdom but lets face it, most people have some downfalls when it comes to relationships or self esteem, and probably especially so on an online relationship forum. We could pretend to be perfect and free of fighting but that would be a lie, so we give examples and relate to people's stories with our own which may show signs of weakness in our own lives, some advice being useful, some being bad. I knew people would jump on me for my little story and call me weak but at least I delt with it in my way that doesn't compromise my values of not turning a cheek or simply laughing off a comment from a loved one that was disrespectful and out of line. Just maybe you're used to being degraded by your lovers and just learn to accept it but I won't and if that doesn't comply with someone's cliche and conceited idea of what it is to be an "alpha male" or whatever then so be it.
No I'm not at all, if you more carefully read my post I said that the man being physically abused clearly needs to walk away from something that is even 500 times less worse than what he was going through, my scenario was obviously an example of something like that, light years less severe.
Whether it's a male or female victim, the principles are identical.
It isn't a Hollywood movie, and people just don't walk away into the sunset and start a brand new shiny happy life
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wambatown81
Maybe I do question my masculinity a bit, I never said I didn't, but I still won't stand for somebody else doing it. Look, I know you and others and sometimes myself may want to appear like wise sages of advice and wisdom but lets face it, most people have some downfalls when it comes to relationships or self esteem, and probably especially so on an online relationship forum. We could pretend to be perfect and free of fighting but that would be a lie, so we give examples and relate to people's stories with our own which may show signs of weakness in our own lives, some advice being useful, some being bad. I knew people would jump on me for my little story and call me weak but at least I delt with it in my way that doesn't compromise my values of not turning a cheek or simply laughing off a comment from a loved one that was disrespectful and out of line. Just maybe you're used to being degraded by your lovers and just learn to accept it but I won't and if that doesn't comply with someone's cliche and conceited idea of what it is to be an "alpha male" or whatever then so be it.
You described an argument with your girlfriend, and appeared to compare it to spousal abuse.
It was either a lousy example, or another example of how misunderstood the whole abuse thing is.
It has nothing do do with masculinity, or laughing off comments, or being an alpha male.
Neither does it have anything to do with trying to be a sage, or appear wise.
My comments about DV stem from the fact that I have been working with victims.
maybe as much as it hurt me or scared me THEY WERE NOT READY. It may take them coming to me 4 times throughout their lives before they got it, got the help again and realized they were stronger than they thought..hopefully before they became a statistic.
Again I refer you to the above posted.
Intellectually, I realize that is the case but I can barely think the words without getting panicked and wanting to cry.
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