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When I met my boyfriend 5 years ago he was self-employed and though not wealthy he brought in enough money to live on. He began having financial problems when there was less work available in his field. About 2 years ago he ended up going bankrupt.
I care about him a lot and started helping him out financially so that he could get back on his feet again. Now the problem is he’s never really been able to get on his feet again and every month he’s bringing in barely enough to cover his rent and a few basic necessities. I pay for his food, phone, gas for his car and any unexpected expense that comes up. He’s been trying out different ideas for self-employment but nothing has worked ( he has a form of attention deficit disorder and is now in his 50s, so finding work in mainstream jobs is very difficult).
We don't live together and I think there would be problems if we tried due to the ADD. We've talked about it and he keeps reassuring me more money will be coming in soon...but it never does. My savings have really been depleted and I don't see how I can keep on paying for his expenses.
He's a good guy and I feel bad for him but also think in two years he should have been able to come up with some plan to support himself. I've told him I can help him out financially for the next couple of months but after that I can't pay his bills anymore...but I feel guilty and like I'm abandoning him.
Is it wrong to want out of this relationship?
It would be natural to feel guilty about this, but on the other hand it doesn't make sense to bankrupt yourself trying to support him. It is business.
The question I have is do you have to break up? If you can't afford to help him out is this creating animosity in the relationship from him/you/both?
Hey
Im hearing you! =)
As a contractor myself I can tell you its good when its good but scary at time. I will lay down the law for you:
Hes 50 years old. its only going to get harder. Theres younger,faster, stronger, cheaper, better contractors outbidding him. Companies/people see him as a risk management.
Its kind of you to offer some level of support but even when you love a person, you cant carry them. Absolutely not.
encourage him, offer solutions, but you cant keep doing this.
When I met my boyfriend 5 years ago he was self-employed and though not wealthy he brought in enough money to live on. He began having financial problems when there was less work available in his field. About 2 years ago he ended up going bankrupt.
I care about him a lot and started helping him out financially so that he could get back on his feet again. Now the problem is he’s never really been able to get on his feet again and every month he’s bringing in barely enough to cover his rent and a few basic necessities. I pay for his food, phone, gas for his car and any unexpected expense that comes up. He’s been trying out different ideas for self-employment but nothing has worked ( he has a form of attention deficit disorder and is now in his 50s, so finding work in mainstream jobs is very difficult).
We don't live together and I think there would be problems if we tried due to the ADD. We've talked about it and he keeps reassuring me more money will be coming in soon...but it never does. My savings have really been depleted and I don't see how I can keep on paying for his expenses.
He's a good guy and I feel bad for him but also think in two years he should have been able to come up with some plan to support himself. I've told him I can help him out financially for the next couple of months but after that I can't pay his bills anymore...but I feel guilty and like I'm abandoning him.
Is it wrong to want out of this relationship?
if the situation was reversed, he would not be sticking around to take care of you. you hear how these men complain about their precious money as it is. He's not your husband....as long as you let a man freeload off of you, that's exactly what he's going to do
The question I have is do you have to break up? If you can't afford to help him out is this creating animosity in the relationship from him/you/both?
Good question. When I said I could only contribute to his bills a couple of months longer, he seemed freaked and said something about having a couple of job possibilities in the works and that he needed "support" right now.
When I stop paying his bills I think he might feel betrayed by me, I kind of think he's gotten comfortable with me taking up the slack and on some level has started to take it for granted it's my responsibility to bail him out. So I don't know if the relationship could continue or not.
He needs to put his having his "own business" ideas aside and get a job with a regular paycheck.
I know the job market is rough though....
I was going to say the same.
@ OP - I think its utterly ridiculous that your boy friend would allow you (that he supposedly loves) to continue paying his bills...knowing fully well that you are not wealthy. I'm not one of the usual "dump or divorce" him forumer....but in this case, I think its time to start putting your interest first. He may be a nice guy, but that doesnt pay the bills and if you are not careful, you will soon find yourself in a financial bind. Stop aiding the slouch ASAP. The least he could do is find a job at McDonalds, flipping burgers, to show he is trying....
if the situation was reversed, he would not be sticking around to take care of you. you hear how these men complain about their precious money as it is. He's not your husband....as long as you let a man freeload off of you, that's exactly what he's going to do
That is actually NOT true. Most men will have no qualms assisting their women, as long as she is doing her best to improve her situation. Society usually frowns on situations like the one mentioned in the OP.
The question I have is do you have to break up? If you can't afford to help him out is this creating animosity in the relationship from him/you/both?
Good question. When I said I could only contribute to his bills a couple of months longer, he seemed freaked and said something about having a couple of job possibilities in the works and that he needed "support" right now.
When I stop paying his bills I think he might feel betrayed by me, I kind of think he's gotten comfortable with me taking up the slack and on some level has started to take it for granted it's my responsibility to bail him out. So I don't know if the relationship could continue or not.
Trust me, he'll get over feeling betrayed. Let me pose this question to you. Supposing, you squander all your savings trying to keep this man afloat and he finally gets the job.....what will you do if he decides to dump you? It is very noble of you to assist your partner in time of need...but that is only necessary if you are in the financial position to do so. You shouldnt be giving what you dont have. Simple!
The question I have is do you have to break up? If you can't afford to help him out is this creating animosity in the relationship from him/you/both?
Good question. When I said I could only contribute to his bills a couple of months longer, he seemed freaked and said something about having a couple of job possibilities in the works and that he needed "support" right now.
When I stop paying his bills I think he might feel betrayed by me, I kind of think he's gotten comfortable with me taking up the slack and on some level has started to take it for granted it's my responsibility to bail him out. So I don't know if the relationship could continue or not.
People will only get away with what you let them get away with. You're letting him get away with mooching off of you. If you give him a deadline, I'm sure he'll find something to tide himself over.
The key is to hold tight to your words. Don't change your mind and keep supporting him once that 2 month deadline is up. If you do, he'll never take you serious again.
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It is very noble of you to assist your partner in time of need...but that is only necessary if you are in the financial position to do so. You shouldnt be giving what you dont have. Simple!
