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Old 10-07-2007, 09:16 PM
 
64 posts, read 98,125 times
Reputation: 30

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Was wondering around the house today and sat in her car to just be there. There sat her perfume and I opened it up and just let it flood the car with her smell. I turned on the radio and listened a favorite CD of hers. It was so very relaxing to be so close to her. I woke up almost two hours later when Tom and Sara woke me. I had a wonderful dream that she had made her way back home. They had been trying to call for over an hour but couldn't get an answer. They got worried and decided to check on me. I was again sleeping with my life's love. They wanted to feed me supper. Sure was good. I felt rested but sad when they woke me.

My thumb is still badly swollen and draining. As sore as ever and throbs constantly. Got to remember to hit the damn nail, not the thumb. Dr. will unwrap it tomorrow and determine a course to take with it.

I may get the file concerning Jill's death tomorrow by way of FedEx overnite. It was sent Friday. I am really uneasy about what it contains. It is supposed to be complete with every detail. I am so very uneasy about what it will contain. Was the guy a good person that made some poor decisions trying to get to his own family or was he a bad person trying to get a better view of the tradgedy taking place? I will know soon. Was his life changed by others as he changed mine that morning? I hope not! I hold no animosity toward him as he never left the accident scene. He is still employeed at the same company he worked at that terrible day. He no longer drives for them.

Yes, her name is Jill. I FINALLY SAID IT!! JILL JILL JILL No middle name. Just plain Jill. Plain is not what she was. Jill is a four letter word so sweet the songbirds rejoice when it is spoken. She and the birds sang in harmony. I loved the way she woke me in the morning with a kiss only she could give. In all the years together, she never woke me any other way. I miss the warmth of her body, the softness of her skin, her long flowing hair, her sitting in my lap, her smell, her sweet wet kisses, her arms around me, her voice, her giggling and laugh that were so uniquely hers. She was so very sensual and sexual with me. She lived to make me laugh and happy. She was my serenity. Remembering her is not offering much solice.

She was my reason to get up in the morning and go to my daily routine. Many times she would cook dinner, a real spread, for our employees (her boys) and bring it to the jobsite if we were on a tough job. The guys respected me but truely loved her. On of my formans told me one time how nice she was. He said she made up for me.

I hope you
Love and Live Well

 
Old 10-07-2007, 09:47 PM
 
Location: San Diego, CA
223 posts, read 693,414 times
Reputation: 142
wow.
It is amazing you are staying strong through this, I admire you very much for that.
I dont know what I would do in your situation.
Stay strong.
 
Old 10-08-2007, 08:53 AM
 
64 posts, read 98,125 times
Reputation: 30
Default Not Rambling! FedEx just dropped it off

I am trembling, have a huge lump in my throat, and my eyes won't stop watering. I can't take my eyes of of the files. It's not in a large envelope as I imagined. It's in a box. The file is big!!! Tried to change my Dr. appointment but they want me there to be sure my thumb is OK. This damn thing was not supposed to come until after I returned from the Dr. At least that is what I wanted. I can't bring myself to open it right now. I will surely open it when I get back. If I open it now-well I just don't know. Wife's paster will come out when I open it.

Love and Live Well
 
Old 10-08-2007, 09:11 AM
 
Location: Duncan, OK
2,919 posts, read 6,817,945 times
Reputation: 3140
Quote:
Originally Posted by big dawg 1 View Post
Wife's paster will come out when I open it.
DO have someone (anyone!) with you when you open it... at least the first time. If it is the "Full Report" there may be images you don't need to see, now or ever. The box will wait until you get back and it will wait until you can get someone to be with you when you open it.

Take Care...
 
Old 10-08-2007, 03:50 PM
 
64 posts, read 98,125 times
Reputation: 30
Default Rambling- It's been a tough day

Got back from Dr. He doesn't like the looks of my thumb. I got back just as Pastor got here. He opened the box, read, and handed me a 4 page cover letter. There are some contradictions in all this from what was originally stated. The letter is a synopsis of the invetigation, autopsy, and includes background checks of everybodyt on the scene. Please bear with me - this is very hard.

Jill did not die instantly but died after only a few minute. It took emergency services almost 2 hours to get to her. The ladt that held her said she kept asking for me. She kept telling Jill that I was on the way. Jill kept sayinh it would be OK when I got there. Her last words were "wake me when he gets here". Jill, I loved you so much! I'm so sorry I failed you and didn't get there.

The man that hit her is horribly tormented by his actions that morning. He is not someone who takes his actions of that morming lightly. He was trying to get to his son at the WTC. His son was later located and was uninjured. Not knowing about his son, he never left my wife's side. I cannot hold a grudge against him although his panic caused my love to leave this world. He was finally arrested and formally charged last week with manslaughter. He was released on a PR bond and I agree with that. I hope they just let him go to continue to live his life as best he can. I understand that I may have something to say about that. Investigator said he is well thought of at his workplace and community and does not view him as any kind of a threat to society.

I also got her clothes back that she was wearing. They had been laundered and neatly folded. Her white blouse had blood stains on it that did not wash completely out. It was torn in the back and all the buttons were gone. Her jeans had a couple of tears and one belt loop was torn awt at the bottom. Only 1 sneaker found it's way home.

She died from internal bleeding. Both of her legs were broken. Her left arn an wrist werebroken. She had no head trauma other than a small mark above her rigt eyebrow.

Autopsy report says she W/F approxamatley 30 yearsold. weight 106 pounds, 62 inches tall, toxicology reprots no detectable illicit drugs or other compounds in victim's blood, hair, and "other" samples. Victim had ingested food within last two hours. This death is a result of blunt trauma. Jill was 44 years old when she died. I was 4 years older than her. I will forever continue to get older than her.

My children don't want to see the report - ever. I will put it away in case. I can't just throw it away like trash. It is about the last few minutes of her life. It reflects, however misguided, the love, trust, and faith she had in me. I am so lost and sad. I know she is at peace and I can only hope to see her again someday.

Maybe we can again play softball, raise puppies, snuggle, fish the White for trout, sit on our boat at nifgt and watch the world go by. Maybe we can go to Memphis for BBQ and harmlees mischief. Maybe that same lady still drives the streetcar that we got caught kissing in. She claimed to be so embarressed by our actions that she turned out the interior lights. Good thing we were the only ones on there.

This has been one of the worse days in my life. I don't know what else to write and can barely see.

I hope you LOVE and LIVE WELL
 
Old 10-08-2007, 06:43 PM
 
Location: Lil' town in Virginia
283 posts, read 523,725 times
Reputation: 271
Dawg, I've read your posts over the past couple of days. I have to tell you they made me smile (that you were able to find someone who completed you so), sad (that you had such a loss), get mad (that she was taken from you so soon). After reading your last post, I have tears streaming down my face. I can't say that I can imagine the pain that you've gone through, or continue to go through, I can only say I am so sorry. And I pray one day, that God will give you peace. IMO your Jill will ALWAYS be with you.

You and your children are in my prayers.
 
Old 10-08-2007, 07:01 PM
 
Location: San Diego, CA
223 posts, read 693,414 times
Reputation: 142
Jill, I loved you so much! I'm so sorry I failed you and didn't get there.

You didn't fail her. She was with you when you didn't know it, and will always be with you.
 
Old 10-08-2007, 10:01 PM
 
64 posts, read 98,125 times
Reputation: 30
Default Rambling I don't know what to write.

Today has been a dark gray day with rain and an unearthly coolness in the air. That damn file still sits in the middle of my living room floor. I've barely scratched the surface of it's contents. DAMN THAT FILE. I can't stand reading anymore of it yet I can't leave it alone. Jill's death was so over investigated. Why did they have to take paint sampling from her clothes to match to the truck. Hell, the guy was right there!!!!!!!!!!! Screaming that he was sorry and that he didn't mean to do it!!!!

I managed to sleep a troubled sleep for almost two hours. The house is quiet, no radio, no tv. I am alone - and lost in this universe. I don't know what to say. I can't unsay anything that I've said. I dream of our good times and am unable to shake off the events that surround her death. Everything in this box is so damn cold and sterile. I don't want to remember her like that. I don't want anyone to know her in any way except as full of love and life!!! I suspect I'm unaware of all you folks following my writings. I am aware that some of you do truely care. Your replies lift me up. I have talked to my children several times today. The young are certainly more resilient than I. They have gotten on with their lives in a way. My son is bitter toward the man that took his mother away. My daughter has just never made her thoughts known.

I got a box of pictures out tonite and was reliving our courtship days, wedding, and first years of our marriage. We got pregnant within 2 years and ran accross some pics of her just before our son was born. She looked like a basketball on two popcycle sticks, big smile, white teeth, long blonde hair, and raising her skirt a bit to tease. She was so sexy. Never saw a pic that she had less than a huge smile on her face. She was sure life was to be lived filled with laughter. She looked so good in short-shorts, jeans, a skirt, bathing suit. She couldn't swim a lick and loved the water. Go figure. Have a pic of her getting run over by a calf and knocked down face first in wet cow dung. The next of her getting up, yep, with an alfalfa green smile. I never saw her cry or really down until my mother died. She loved my mother like her own.

I bought her a bright yellow men's t-shirt that was a size 4XL. The front read "I'm A Real Southern Bell". The back read "My Name Is Ding Dong". It came down past her knees and the sleeves came past her elbows. She wore it as a dress and safety pinned the sleeves to make the openings small enough to stay decent. She tied a piece of cotton rope around her waist for a belt. Wore it to a shopping mall once with pigtails and with two different color and styles of sneakers.

She would make me go shopping with her for lingerie sometimes. She knew that made me uncomfortable. She loved to do that to me. We went to someplace that specialized in that stuff. When we got in there some lady walked up and wanted to know if she could help us. In a loud voice I asked her if they carried any small caliber double barreled sling shots that might fit the "little" woman". Jill was for the first time in her life bumpin her lips with nothing coming out. The sales lady got hyper and told us to leave. I never got told again to go lingerie shopping.

I've got to go back to Dr. in the morning. He's not real happy about the way my thumb looks. Says he may put me in hospital for a couple of days so they can treat infection aggressively. He says I may lose my thumb if it gets any worse. Talked to a friend that is a retired RN and she says she can oversee me here at home rather than go into the hospital with Dr approval. I'm NOT really wanting to go into hospital. Home sounds much better.

It's almost 11:PM. I don't know if I can sleep but I need to try. I hope you

LOVE and LIVE WELL
 
Old 10-09-2007, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,531,688 times
Reputation: 999
Dawg, let us know how you're holding up, big man. I'm sure I'm not the only one that's thinking about you. So let us know how you are doing.
 
Old 10-09-2007, 06:25 PM
 
111 posts, read 429,173 times
Reputation: 63
Yes Dawg, let us know. I don't even know you, yet I love ya, and I check for your rambling everyday, so please let us know how you are holding up. Many of us here care about you.
Hugs.
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