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... I am desperately trying to let go and move on with my life. I want to love again but feel unwilling to do so. I'm afraid of losing another to the reaper of death. I'm afraid of being unable to love again. Damn It!!! Why was it that Jill had to leave this world? I'm afraid of love. I'm also afraid of not loving again. My heart is broken and must begin to heal or surely it will die a lonely death. Jill made my heart happily flutter and dance in my chest. She was my reason to breath without having to remember to. She took my breath away and I loved it when she did. I could always breath later. I hope you
LOVE and LIVE WELL
Gentle Soul,
In the totality of Life there are planes of awareness; knowledge, if you will. In these planes there are lessons to be taught and lessons to be learned; there are teachers and there are students, and each one of us is as much a teacher as we are a student. Some lessons taught and learned are profound - such as the lesson of giving and receiving pure, unconditional love. And like energy, such love never dies - it stays with us forever ... and ever ... and ever.
Jill taught you about pure, unconditional love and it became an integral part of you as she was teaching it. The lesson was not taught for it to be abandoned when the teacher moved on to another plane of awareness. It was taught so that one more soul - you - would carry that lesson forward to teach others. Don't quash the lesson by fearing to again love unconditionally.
Just got back from the Dr. Told him I was leaving Sunday for a couple of weeks and that I had quit taking the pain pills. He wants thumb monitored and has an appointment set up for me with a Dr. in Enid, Okla. Yep, got another shot in the butt. I swear, that nurse likes me. She was smiling when she said she wanted my pants down. Oh, if she were only 75 years younger. Jill would have loved to see me in my uncomfortable modesty with that nurse. I can just hear that goofy giggle grow into her famous laugh at my expense. Ray and Patti will be here shortly so I must go. I hope all of you, my friends
-Daughter left this morning after I cooked(?) breakfast. I destroyed the eggs by frying till crispy, turned the hash browns into hash blacks, and smoked(?) the bacon to the point the smoke detector screamed. We went out to breakfast after we put out the fire and cleaned up. She had a few tears when she drove off. It is once again too quiet here. I went down to the barn and cleaned up my old truck to get ready to give it to a young man that as I said before, reminds me of me when I was younger.
I will look at travel trailers this week in anticipation of buying one. I need one like I need another hole in my head. I am not looking forward to traveling alone. I fear traveling with anyone else. My children are pushing this travel thing. I don't want to be close to anyone new in my life. I am content although lonely in the confines of my wife's and my home. Maybe I'm not really content but am unwilling to chance change right now.
I may go to my HS class reunion in 3 weeks. I've never been to one before. I didn't have many friends as part of my HS years were spent living in socially unacceptable conditions. I managed to graduate with good grades and left for the service before graduation night. I finally got my diploma with a graduating class 8 years after my own graduation night. By that time there had been several stories written about me locally and I was married. Funny how you are suddenly in vogue to be seen with by the same people that were so very cruel in past times. I don't have anything to prove to that crowd and in fact hope they don't notice me if I go. The classmates that were my friends then have continued to be my friends all these years. They are the ones I want to see and fellowship with and they have paid my fees for the reunion as a little nudge to go. I will always be grateful to them for "then and now". A week later is the class reunion at my wife's small school in another town. I got an invitation and replied that she had died. I got a letter back and her class would still like me to come. I barely know any of them from 2 past reunions my wife and I went to. I don't know. I am real uneasy about going.
Daughter made me promise to be open to loving another woman again someday. I'm not afraid to love again, I'm just not ready. Hell, I am afraid. I am afraid of my inability to protect another love. I will eventually have to learn to live with my life losses, failures, and disappointments. I don't want to loose anyone else to the reaper of death. In war I've taken life away from those attempting to take mine. It was nothing personal then, it was my job. I am however sorry for those left behind. I have no regrets that I survived. I an still unable to comprehend why I was spat upon and called names by Americans when I came home from doing what my country called me to do. I do not understand how those that fled to Canada to avoid being drafted could became heros years later. Enough politics!!!!!
I cannot understand the death of my wife. She was a threat to no one! Her death had no reason and is still not understandable by me. I was unable to protect her. She almost stayed home and cancelled her plans to go on that trip. She stewed about leaving me alone for 2 weeks as she worried that I would not eat a proper diet, have clean clothes, and not be able to take care of myself and our daughter. I begged her to go and have fun. She playfully dabbed a couple spots of her perfume on me as she left that day. I didn't want her to go for my own selfish reasons but didn't tell her. I can only hope to come to grips with my failure to protect her.
I removed a copperhead snake from the garage today that came in looking for shelter. Took him out to my south field and released him. My wife was never really afraid of most critters except for MICE!!!! She was panicked by them. I bought 4-5 fuzzy toy mice to put on our grandfather clock years ago. She hated those damn things and refused to touch them when she dusted. I had to move them first. She fussed about them until she left. I think both of us enjoyed the banter.
Enough of my rambling for now. Thanks for listening - Live Well
Wow, these are strong thoughts. My prayers are with you, and THANK YOU for your service to our country sir. You aren't responsible for the death of your wife, although you DO blame yourself somewhat. I will have to bookmark this and anything else you post. You have an amazing ability to communicate and speak with a lot of wisdom. Take care and God Bless.
I have read your journal or should I say journey. I can tell you from experience, there is no set time to get on with your life. You are doing what is best for you now. After almost 5 years of being a widow there are still many things that remind me of him when we were together and loving each other. I know he wouldn't want me to be alone and I do date but it is hard not to compare them with him.
There is a book you might want to read 'I wasn't ready to say goodbye' I found it helpful. You must grieve in your own way and don't listen to anyone who says you need to move on. You will know when it is time.
I hope it is Ok if I post on BD's thread. I also hope it's OK with BD. I am Patti, his friend that he has mentioned several times along with my husband Ray. Ray and BD have been gone today to check on a jobsite BD's company is working on in MO and then on to bass fish.
I think you need to know BD much better than he has allowed you to so far. Ray and I have known him almost all our lives but came to really like him in about 10th grade. He grew up hard. His family was not the best of people except for his mother and him. His father and 2 older brothers were mean and usually drunk to some degree. His sister was usually in crisis of some kind. She had 2 children by 17 that were removed permanently from the home by the state. BD nearly beat his dad to death when he was about 15 and left that hell hole of a place. I remember reading about it in the newspaper. No charges were filed. BD spent the next 2-3 years living and sleeping where he could, even off the land, and going to school. He was an outcast and treated badly by our classmates and many adults. He was not given much help from within the community as he was branded as an extension of the rest of his family. He managed to get good grades and graduate. He left for the service before he received his diploma.
He volunteered for Vietnam and was there about two years. He was wounded and missing for about two weeks before being found near death. He was returned home and was hospitalized for several months. His mother and father divorced about the same time he came home and she helped with his care for a long time. BD lost his hearing in right ear, most of his sight in right eye, was badly disfigured on the right side of his face and neck, his right arm is deformed, and his right breast and most of the area surrounding it are only scar tissue.
Before I go any futher, you all need to know BD is the most gentle, soft spoken man you could ever know. I was a little alarmed to know he was writing notes to a website full of people he didn't know. He allowed Sara and I to read both of his threads, all his posts, and your replies today after he and Ray left. Sara and I cried today as we read his postings -and your sweet replies. We just thought we knew this guy. We cried a lot! We also laughed a lot. We, Tom and Sara and Ray and I love BD and want what is best for him.
When he got back on his feet I seldom saw him and when I did, he was distant and cold. There was a tenseness about him that scared me. Ray was in Germany in the army and was due home very soon. By the time Ray got home, BD had disappeared and not even his mother knew where he was. The next time I saw him he was sitting at a stoplight in an old beater of a pickup with the prettiest little blonde you ever saw snuggled up to him. As I walked by I waved and said hi. BD waved coldly and she waved with a great big smile on her face. I found out later that they were living in an old house out near the river. Ray and I decided to go out and see him after church one Sunday. That little fireball of a girl came to the door and said, "I know you! Your Patti and you helped my husband when he was younger. And you must be Ray, you helped him too. I love you both for that". We went in and BD had tears began to cloud his eyes. He didn't want Ray and I to see him all scared up. I walked over to him and kissed him on his right cheek and gave him a huge hug. I just held on to him and squeezed. Ray was also hugging him and we all cried tears of happiness. Our friendship rekindled that day.
The first time I saw her, I thought she was awfully young for BD. She was only 4 years younger but looked 14 younger and had a seasoned maturity that was well hidden with her big smile and laughter. And a "goofy giggle" that BD loved. BD was always a quite person until that little blonde entered the picture. She brought a joy into his life that nobody else could ever do. She brought sense of life to all around her. Ray and I just loved her. She was the light BD needed in his life. We fear that light is dimming. BD seems tired and listless now. As he says, his heart is broken and he is lost in the universe.
They were for sure an odd couple that was a perfect match. BD at well over 6' tall and Jill at barely 5'. He carries the visible and hidden wounds of war. She was beautiful and knew no fear of life. BD was reservered, Jill had almost no limits. Together they were as Jill always said, JUST RIGHT!
I was a little surprised that Patti wrote about me in part from her prospective. I love her like a sister but once in a while you supposed to swat sisters. I know I read that somewhere.
I don't know if I would have ever gone into as much detail about my family as she chose to. They are no longer involved in my life. I did give my old man an ass whipping that nearly caused me jail time. That was nearly 40 years ago. I was in one other fight several years later that might have turned out badly if the principal and another teacher had not pulled me away. When I was finally forced to fight, I didn't think there were any rules to follow.
I basically wrote of what happened in Vietnam. I was a sniper and damn good at my job. My injuries were a result of 1 very small mistake that day. Yes I still have scars and they will remain for all time.
I don't speak loudly and Jill taught me to be gentle when we were together. I guess that just carries over.
When I returned to the world I was self conscious about how I looked. I was ashamed that my stupidity nearly got me killed. Jill was so beautiful and could have married anyone. I don't think she even noticed my scars and married me anyway. I don't know how I won her over. Add up the score of everything else I had going for myself and it was 0. That's ZERO. She would never answer me when I asked her over the years why she married me.
Patti asked me this evening what I mean when I write about being lost in the universe. With Jill, I always had my bearings, she was my compass. Without her, I have no compass bearing of where I'm at or where I'm going. I'm just drifting with no direction. I miss her so much! I hope you
Ray and Patti have gone antiquing. I have a few minutes to write. Patti made breakfast this morning, right after she went to the store and got stuff to make it with. Patti is still a little upset with herself about crossing my private boundry on her post last night. She is concerned that I will be less forthcoming with her of my private thoughts. I don't feel betrayed and she will always be my confidant.
That damn file continues to sit in the middle of the floor untouched from it's arrival last Monday. I need to get it put aside so it's starkness of facts will be unable to glare at my every passing.
Was looking at some pics with Ray and Patti when we came accross one of Jill where she was wet and muddy, really muddy just like me. She looked tired and haggled but as always, she was wearing that big smile. I remember that day. It was cold and gray and we were also cold.
In another picture my daughter took, Jill is curled up and asleep in my lap wrapped up in a big blue blanket she had as a little girl. Jill slept in my lap a lot. Our daughter asked her once why she liked to sleep in my lap. Jill replied in her typical fashion, "that's where I'm safest, warmest, most loved, love the most, and happiest". My daughter still talks about that answer. I hope you
LOVE and LIVE WELL
I will be leaving tomorrow morning and following Ray and Patti back home. I always enjoy their company. We will do some farm pond fishing this week and hopefully catch a mess of catfish, bass, and crappie.
I once took Jill fishing to a snakey looking pond and told her to keep a sharp eye out for deadly snakes and big gators. I warned her to stay away from the waters edge and by all means to not fall in. Just like a little kid, she ended up at the waters edge looking for a gator or snake when a 10 pound rock "fell out of my hand" and into the water just behind her. She screamed, jumped, slipped in the mud, landed on her cute little butt, and slid into the water. I was IN TROUBLE and I knew it so I yelled OH MY GOD THERE'S A BIG ONE!!!! Might as well have some real fun since I'm not gonna be sleeping within a country mile of her for some time anyway. Right? Told her how cute her little hiney was when it was covered with mud. She started laughing and I knew I needed to be careful. She was already making plans. I told her another time to not play with those deadly crawdads. I knew the kid in her couldn't leave that alone. I told her their pinchers were paralyzed and couldn't hurt her but not to take a chance. Sure enough, she was messing around with them and put her hand down in the bucket one time too many. One got ahold of her. There are times you just need a video camera. Scared her so bad she almost wet her pants. I laughed till tears rolled down my face and SHE WAS MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She crawled into my lap that evening and slept. Jill, I so badly miss you. You were the center of my world. I am now lost in the universe. I promise to wake you when I get there. Then it will be OK.
I still don't look forward to the class reunion or speaking in their church. My life is not so remarkable to be interesting. Jill made me interesting if I ever even was. She made life and living in this world interesting for all that knew her. God surely made a mistake when He allowed her to to slip from the bonds of this world. This world is surely a lesser place without her. I hope you
LOVE and LIVE WELL
I still don't look forward to the class reunion or speaking in their church. My life is not so remarkable to be interesting. Jill made me interesting if I ever even was. She made life and living in this world interesting for all that knew her. God surely made a mistake when He allowed her to to slip from the bonds of this world. This world is surely a lesser place without her. I hope you
LOVE and LIVE WELL
Your life is incredibly remarkable. And Jill sounds equally remarkable. Now how could such a remarkable woman make a mistake and fall for someone who was not equally remarkable? How could she be all that you say that she was and chose a nobody? Well, she couldn't. She wouldn't. So when you are down on yourself, you are questioning her judgement. I think her judgement about you was right on and you should "own" the wonderful qualities that she found in you. They are real and true. Now if only you could begin to believe that!
You found a love the few ever taste. You were truly blessed. And so was she. Whether you ever decide to date again is not important. What IS important is that you live again. Because it would hurt her greatly to know that you are not living a vibrant life.
You are a special person and have much wisdom to offer this world. Jill knew it...now to convince yourself!
I can't sleep tonite for worrying about this trip. Ray and I were talking a few minutes ago and he would not be disappointed in me if I don't leave on this trip. I am so lonely but at the same time content in the confines of Jill's and my home. I feel safe here but also feel safe with Ray and Patti. Tears well up in my eyes when I think of leaving this place for over two weeks. I am profoundly uneasy about attending my class reunion. I'm sure I don't belong in a church addressing several hundred people that may have some recollection of me decades ago. I feel the same way about going to Jill's class reunion, even with Ray and Patti. They have promised to stay by my side through all the hoopla everywhere. I am not an insecure person but these three events, so close together, may be more than I can endure.
My only happiness comes in my dreams when we are together and she is laughing, holding me in her arms and kissing me. I can smell her perfume, feel her soft skin, stroke her long blonde hair, and hear her goofy giggle when we are together in my dreams. I despise when I wake up and she is gone!
Maybe this trip will give me rudder and I can begin the journey I am so reluctant to take. Maybe my heart will begin to heal and someday not be any longer broken. I am afraid. I don't want anyone else in my life. Maybe I have been adrift for so long that I am afraid to not be lost in the universe. Maybe I am afraid to live and love once again.
Sara gave me two 2 photos today of her and Tom. One is for the TT and the other is to put in my office with my chldren. My son is married and has started a family. My daughter is a junior in a private bible college. She doesn't understand when I tell her that I believe in God. I just don't have much in common with Him or much to say to Him. I hope you-
LOVE and LIVE WELL
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Rambling - Real Quick
I have a few minutes to write. Patti made breakfast this morning, right after she went to the store and got stuff to make it with. Patti is still a little upset with herself about crossing my private boundry on her post last night. She is concerned that I will be less forthcoming with her of my private thoughts. I don't feel betrayed and she will always be my confidant. 