More rambling (ladies, friend, couple, daughter)

[big dawg 1]

I followed Ray and Patti to Okla today with a heavy and nervous heart. This wireless internet stuff seems to be working as it's supposed to.

We went to Jill's grave and decorated it before coming on to Okla. Jill stumbled onto this place not long after we moved to Ark and loved the setting of that cemetery. She spent several weeks cleaning out the brush and overgrowth to reclaim the ground and the grave sites on it. There are only about 55-60 graves there. Some date back to civil war days. It is in the woods about 28 miles from anywhere in a sheltered valley overlooking a creek and with some small rapids. The terrain in the southern part of this county is rugged! Jill's resting place is the last one to be put there. I go and mow and do what else needs to be done about every 2-3 weeks to keep the cemetery looking nice. Most times 1 or 2 of my employees that knew her volunteer to go also. Someday I will rest next to her and we will walk hand in hand for all eternity with her goofy giggle and laughter.

Our trip went surprising fast as we made it in about 7 1/2 hours. I feel safe and secure here with my friends. I will spend the week fishing with Ray and eating Patti's good cooking. She says I need to gain a little weight. Their garden still holds lots of okra, squash, tomatoes, and all the other goodies it should. Ray's mother will come out tomorrow and eat breakfast with us. She is 84 and gets around as good as I. She cooked me many a meal in my younger days. She even used to drive around looking for me where I might be camped to bring me hot meals.

I will not stay in the TT while here. The walls are too close and it is strangely a lonesome place. I will stay in the guest room inside their home.

I am continually tormented by Jill's absence but am fiercely antagonized by it outside the confines of our home. Those that are learned tell me time is the greatest healer. Time has not diminished my pain and agony. Only when I dream of our togetherness am I at peace and happy.

Patti wants to go into SE Colorado and see where Jill and I lived when we first got married. Now I have something to look forward to on this trip into my past. This may be the only bright spot till I return home. The last I knew, the old place was still there and my old boss's sons still owned it. This 200 acre "pimple" on God's earth is worthless for anything except to bring back some of my happiest of memories. Going there will be a wonderful reliving of a part of my past. I wonder if that $10.00 bill we had hidden behind the shower stall is still there. We remembered it after moving back to Okla.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. As always, I hope you
LOVE and LIVE WELL

[Jaxson]

What better people to be on this part of your journey Dawg. They make you feel safe so that must give you some comfort. Just enjoy your trip and the company of 2 best friends. Take care of your thumb!

[thelostsouls]

I am continually tormented by Jill's absence but am fiercely antagonized by it outside the confines of our home. Those that are learned tell me time is the greatest healer. Time has not diminished my pain and agony. Only when I dream of our togetherness am I at peace and happy.

With the death of a loved one, time is always a great healer. You are strong and wise to not be angry at the world for Jill's death, something I dont think I could do.
Safe Journey... =)

[big dawg 1]

Rainy and cool this morning. Fish are safe for a while longer. Ray's mom came out and we had a feast of eggs, bacon, sausage, hashbrowns, grits, toast and gravy. Fried squash, okra, and taters with mountain oysters tonite for supper. Ray's mom and Patti both tell me I lost lots of weight. My clothes may be a little loose. Patti made me go weigh this morning. Guess I could put on a few pounds without getting fat. We sat and just visited about whatever came up. We got pictures out and were looking at those while Jill and I lived in Colorado. I forgot about one that I took of Jill in her underwear in the yard. Ray and Patti thought the pose was funny and the note written on the back even funnier. She was looking down into her bra with a disappointed look on her face. On the back was written "where-o-where". She always had pretty sexy underwear. No matter what else she was wearing or what we were going to be doing, she always wore pretty underwear. For some women it's shoes or purses, For Jill it was fancy underwear. I hope you
LOVE and LIVE WELL

[big dawg 1]

Ran accross a sack full of pictures today and found hunting and fishing pics from our Colorado days till our last hunt in 2000. Her first big game kill came while we lived there. I remember it being cold and raining and us needing meat. We had already spent all our money that month on LP gas, groceries, and other nessesities.
We had hunted 2 days for deer that would feed us until ? Jill was using a Savage mod 99 in .22-250 and I was using a Winchester mod 88 in .243. We were hunting on opposite sides of the ranch. All she and I both had were light jackets and flannel shirts to keep the 35 degree temps and wind at bay. I heard her shot and then saw a huge 6 pt buck come over a small rise straight at me. I made the shot at 150 yards. We had meat! When I got to Jill's position she was trying to drag her kill into the pickup. She had a real nice 4 pt. We had lots of meat!!! Her shot was over 200 yards!!! Not bad for a cold wet little 100# blonde. We took pics of each other with our kills and field dressed them. We fished and hunted every chance we got until she was taken away.

We must have been in love more than either one of us understood living in the harsh conditions that we did that first year. A lesser love would not, could not have endured. With our love, we never even noticed. Every day was a new adventure. We bought lots of film but couldn't afford to get it developed until we moved back to Okla. In all these pics, no matter how tough the setting, Jill always had that great big smile on that beautiful face.

I got a call today from the district attorney handling the case against the man that took Jill's life. He wanted my input on what I thought should happen. I've shed more tears than I even knew I had in the years since this tradgedy. Knowing what I know about this man, I feel no remorse against him. He made a terrible mistake that can never be reversed. Jill will be gone from my life forever. Ray and Patti feel that justice needs to be served. Most all of my other friends do to. Jill's family wants blood but know nothing of the man and his torment. I feel that this man has paid for his mistake enough. I don't want a pound of flesh. I would prefer to let us all get on with our lives and live in peace. I don't know that I can withstand the rigors of a criminal and a civil action. His employers insurance carrier wants to settle according to my attorney. I have given my attorney no instuction of what action I wish to pursue. I don't know what to do here. Money won't bring her back.

I will visit with Ray and Patti's pastor tomorrow about next Sunday. It's probably too late to back out of this by now. There was an article about me in the local paper today and me being at the church Sunday morning. I am becoming more and more uneasy about talking about my youth and Vietnam service. Is it really anybody's business anyway? I dread trying to convey my love for Jill and our love for each other. I fear I will be unable to hold my emotions in check. My daughter is car caravaning down from NE Missouri with 15-20 other students to listen to me. That distresses me greatly that she will be there. She has never heard much about my childhood, youth, or military service. I fear she will be shocked of what I have had to do to survive and am capable of. She doesn't know about my writing here and I fight with myself to tell her or not before this Sunday.

I am lost in this universe and am unable to find my direction without Jill to guide me. I love her so very, very much. I want to make you feel safe, warm, loved, and happy. I want to feel your loving arms around me while you give me your wonderful wet kisses. I will wake you when I arrive at your place in Heaven so I may once again hear your goofy giggle. It will be OK for both of us then. I hope you
LOVE and LIVE WELL

[big dawg 1]

BD got dizzy this morning and then got sick and threw up. He fell and hit his head on the metal step of his 5th wheel. It took 14 stiches to close a nasty cut. They have been doing tests all day and he has been diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation. He is resting now but has had a rough day. They gave him something to knock him out and he is sleeping right now. His heart was broken (I'm crying) and his brightness has seemed to dim in recent weeks. He misses Jill so much!

They have him on blood thinners and some other medicines. If his heart rythem stabilizes they may release him Thursday or Friday. The doctors say he was lucky to not have had a stroke from a blood clot that could have formed. Ray and I love this guy, we just found out how much today. We thought he had gone to be with his Jill for a couple of minutes. (I still can't stop crying.) He was unconscious for over 15 minutes. I will post more as I know more.

Patti and Ray

[LadyRobyn]

Patti, Thank-you for letting us know... I'll be 'doubling up' on the thoughts and prayers. Let him know we are thinking about him and hope he gets to go home soon. *HUGS* LadyR

[Jaxson]

Prayers going up! It would have been a shocked not to read his ramblings and not knowing what was going on~~ thank you for posting. Take care of big dawg!

[theqbaby]

Please keep us informed on his condition.

Prayers for "The BD" .

He is very fortunate to have such wonderful friends like you.

[Macrina]

Lighting candles & praying...