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Old 09-29-2007, 10:54 PM
 
64 posts, read 95,197 times
Reputation: 30

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I started a new thread to ramble on from my old one. I hope you don't mind.
I have found some solace in that I can use this place as an outlet for my thoughts. Should you get tired of my blabbering on about everthing that concerns you not at all -tell me and I will stop.

Daughter and I went and looked at trucks again. I bought a 3500 Dodge diesel w/6speed trans and most of the goodies. I'm not sure about buying a trailer to travel in. I will enjoy giving my old truck to a young couple that will surely appreciate having it. I still have my wife's car. Just can't bear to part with it. It still smells of her perfume and has all the other personal stuff she thought she needed in her car. I still find myself just sitting in it occasionally and dreaming of the past.

Daughter and I went out to supper tonight and she began asking questions about our past when she was a very little girl. I really enjoyed reminicing as I answered her curiosities. She wants me to write a journal about her mother and I. I suspect that may be too painful. My neighbor, as well as my children, tell me I should be out "playing the field". I do not want and probably would be unable to love like that again. She was my peace and solitude and my world.

No SOB with an agenda had a right to take her away from this world. I may at some time in the future put into words the cause of her death. There was no reason.

My days will again be much more empty when daughter leaves tomorrow to return to college. I have enjoyed having her here for a couple of days. She will be back around Thanksgiving for break and then again at Christmas. I do not look forward to those times of year.

Live Well
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Old 09-30-2007, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Beautiful Kentucky
820 posts, read 2,742,173 times
Reputation: 564
Dawg, I must have missed your other thread that you refer to. I have a couple of widowed friends. One is a guy who's wife died of cancer about 11 years ago. He has had relationships, but they have been very limited and superficial with him focusing on raising two daughters. I think he would say he has no regrets in making the choices he has made. What I see though is that he has replaced many emotional voids with his daughters. I'm not sure if he will ever be able to fully commit to another woman.

I have a female friend who's husband died around nine years ago. If you ask her about dating and "playing the field" she will tell you that she still feels married. I keep believing that if she met a wonderful man, she would be open to a relationship... but I'm not positive about that. She also has a successful business and has raised three great kids. Being single doesn't necessarily mean being miserable.... your friends should realize that.

I was divorced about 16 years ago and also burried my feelings into raising two kids. I think many of the emotions and feelings I have had have been the same as my two widowed friends. I realize now though that I'm ready to move on. My kids are grown or practically grown and it's time to focus on me for a change. However, all my alone years helped me grow into the person I am today which would be a much better mate than I would have been shortly after the divorce.

IMO, the bottomline is that for each of us grieving takes different forms. It takes different amounts of time. No one can tell us what kind of timeline to follow or what we need in our lives. That's an individual thing and only you can define what's in your heart.

Good luck and enjoy that new truck! I suspect that was a tiny move for you attempting to move into your new future and the new things that will hold. Best wishes.
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Old 09-30-2007, 10:09 PM
 
64 posts, read 95,197 times
Reputation: 30
Default More ramblings of my thoughts

-Daughter left this morning after I cooked(?) breakfast. I destroyed the eggs by frying till crispy, turned the hash browns into hash blacks, and smoked(?) the bacon to the point the smoke detector screamed. We went out to breakfast after we put out the fire and cleaned up. She had a few tears when she drove off. It is once again too quiet here. I went down to the barn and cleaned up my old truck to get ready to give it to a young man that as I said before, reminds me of me when I was younger.

I will look at travel trailers this week in anticipation of buying one. I need one like I need another hole in my head. I am not looking forward to traveling alone. I fear traveling with anyone else. My children are pushing this travel thing. I don't want to be close to anyone new in my life. I am content although lonely in the confines of my wife's and my home. Maybe I'm not really content but am unwilling to chance change right now.

I may go to my HS class reunion in 3 weeks. I've never been to one before. I didn't have many friends as part of my HS years were spent living in socially unacceptable conditions. I managed to graduate with good grades and left for the service before graduation night. I finally got my diploma with a graduating class 8 years after my own graduation night. By that time there had been several stories written about me locally and I was married. Funny how you are suddenly in vogue to be seen with by the same people that were so very cruel in past times. I don't have anything to prove to that crowd and in fact hope they don't notice me if I go. The classmates that were my friends then have continued to be my friends all these years. They are the ones I want to see and fellowship with and they have paid my fees for the reunion as a little nudge to go. I will always be grateful to them for "then and now". A week later is the class reunion at my wife's small school in another town. I got an invitation and replied that she had died. I got a letter back and her class would still like me to come. I barely know any of them from 2 past reunions my wife and I went to. I don't know. I am real uneasy about going.

Daughter made me promise to be open to loving another woman again someday. I'm not afraid to love again, I'm just not ready. Hell, I am afraid. I am afraid of my inability to protect another love. I will eventually have to learn to live with my life losses, failures, and disappointments. I don't want to loose anyone else to the reaper of death. In war I've taken life away from those attempting to take mine. It was nothing personal then, it was my job. I am however sorry for those left behind. I have no regrets that I survived. I an still unable to comprehend why I was spat upon and called names by Americans when I came home from doing what my country called me to do. I do not understand how those that fled to Canada to avoid being drafted could became heros years later. Enough politics!!!!!

I cannot understand the death of my wife. She was a threat to no one! Her death had no reason and is still not understandable by me. I was unable to protect her. She almost stayed home and cancelled her plans to go on that trip. She stewed about leaving me alone for 2 weeks as she worried that I would not eat a proper diet, have clean clothes, and not be able to take care of myself and our daughter. I begged her to go and have fun. She playfully dabbed a couple spots of her perfume on me as she left that day. I didn't want her to go for my own selfish reasons but didn't tell her. I can only hope to come to grips with my failure to protect her.

I removed a copperhead snake from the garage today that came in looking for shelter. Took him out to my south field and released him. My wife was never really afraid of most critters except for MICE!!!! She was panicked by them. I bought 4-5 fuzzy toy mice to put on our grandfather clock years ago. She hated those damn things and refused to touch them when she dusted. I had to move them first. She fussed about them until she left. I think both of us enjoyed the banter.

Enough of my rambling for now. Thanks for listening - Live Well
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Old 10-01-2007, 01:33 AM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,523 posts, read 8,210,451 times
Reputation: 11353
I am reading what you write...
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Old 10-01-2007, 01:42 AM
 
Location: Camano Island, WA
1,913 posts, read 8,601,185 times
Reputation: 1149
Don't feel as though you are rambling. It's good to talk things out no matter what outlet you may choose...internet, journal, family/friends...its' good to express yourself...
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Old 10-01-2007, 03:08 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,221 posts, read 28,010,195 times
Reputation: 27565
You write well.

Someday, you may be ready for a new relationship. Leave the door open. In the here and now, anything that keeps you interested and involved is a good thing. Cooking lessons are 1 idea! The reunion sounds good too. It's also important to take good care of you. Start a self improvement project. Something good for you. Everyone has that list of things they have always wanted to do rattling around in the back of their head. Get out your list and do something on it. Something that makes you smile.

Enjoying and living the rest of your life isn't something to feel guilty about. If I die tomorrow, I want my H to go out and have a ball!
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Old 10-01-2007, 08:03 AM
 
464 posts, read 724,721 times
Reputation: 144
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. In time I hope it gets easier for you and your daughter.
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Old 10-01-2007, 09:17 AM
 
27,155 posts, read 27,417,378 times
Reputation: 16887
Quote:
Originally Posted by big dawg 1 View Post
I started a new thread to ramble on from my old one. I hope you don't mind.
I have found some solace in that I can use this place as an outlet for my thoughts. Should you get tired of my blabbering on about everthing that concerns you not at all -tell me and I will stop.

Daughter and I went and looked at trucks again. I bought a 3500 Dodge diesel w/6speed trans and most of the goodies. I'm not sure about buying a trailer to travel in. I will enjoy giving my old truck to a young couple that will surely appreciate having it. I still have my wife's car. Just can't bear to part with it. It still smells of her perfume and has all the other personal stuff she thought she needed in her car. I still find myself just sitting in it occasionally and dreaming of the past.

Daughter and I went out to supper tonight and she began asking questions about our past when she was a very little girl. I really enjoyed reminicing as I answered her curiosities. She wants me to write a journal about her mother and I. I suspect that may be too painful. My neighbor, as well as my children, tell me I should be out "playing the field". I do not want and probably would be unable to love like that again. She was my peace and solitude and my world.

No SOB with an agenda had a right to take her away from this world. I may at some time in the future put into words the cause of her death. There was no reason.

My days will again be much more empty when daughter leaves tomorrow to return to college. I have enjoyed having her here for a couple of days. She will be back around Thanksgiving for break and then again at Christmas. I do not look forward to those times of year.

Live Well


I think you should go where life takes you and not listen to everyone else...whatever pleases you and brings you joy should be your venture. Enjoy your daughter, but don't depend on her for your happiness...allow her, and in the meantime...perhaps for both of you when your ready, a journal would be a great mentoring process, you might want to leave a legacy for her....
Just my thoughts


Oh, and your not rambling, not in the least.


Hugs
Creme
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Old 10-01-2007, 02:51 PM
 
Location: Missouri Ozarks
7,363 posts, read 18,340,439 times
Reputation: 3984
Big Dawg:
I know you are afraid to love again because you think she will be taken away also.
I have had those same feelings and have been told it's normal to have feelings like that.
When my late husband died, I vowed never to love again and I was very closed. Eventually, after people and friends telling me to go out or do the internet dating thing, I finally did it. I did meet someone and we are together now but not a day goes by that I don't think something bad will happen to him because I love him. I think the feeling stays with you but you can overcome it.
The way I look at it now is that I had 13 years with my late husband as opposed to not being with him at all. The man I'm with now and I have been together for almost 3 years (and yes, I still have feelings sometimes that I shouldn't love him because something bad might happen and I'll be hurt all over again) but I think about how happy I am now with him and we are sharing our lives together. I'm not saying you should rush into things when you're not ready but I think it would help if you opened yourself up and gave yourself another chance. Your wife would have wanted that for you too.
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Old 10-01-2007, 05:18 PM
 
64 posts, read 95,197 times
Reputation: 30
Default More rambling

I surely must be nuts. My neighbor called and wanted me to go look at a 5th wheel TT. I wasn't really wanting to but he came by and I went anyway. What am I going to do with a 2 year old 35' 5th wheel TT? Will find out as I now own one. Forest green interior, fiberglass exterior. It's FANCY. Found out today what a slide is. TT has 2 of them. I will pick it up as soon as I get truck ready. Like I said, I MUST BE NUTS!!!!

My daughter cried when I called her a bit ago. She was glad I bought it. I really don't want to leave the confines of my security. I don't want to take up with anyone at this point of my life. I don't know where to go or what to do after I get to where ever I end up. Everthing I like to do, I can do at home or within 10 miles of it. I guess I will take it to my class reunion in a few weeks. I can park it at my friends while I am there. They have asked me to speak at their church when I am down there. I am not a religous man although I believe in God. I surely don't agree with all that He all allows to happen in the world today. Me in Sunday church is comparable to a cat at the Friday nite dogfights. I don't believe any house of God is ready for me.

I must be fairly transparent as they have already put in hook ups for a TT in anticipation of me owning one. I will visit my mother's grave and spruce it up with flowers while I am there. I don't know where my old man's grave is - and really don't give a damn. That relationship finally ended when I was 16. I will go to my wife's reunion a week later. Hopefully my friends will journey out to western Kansas with me. There were only 34 in her class. Now there is only 33.

I gave my old truck away today to a nice young couple that work hard and are devoted to each other. They are struggling but I think they will eventually make their own luck. They were very grateful and that made it all worth it. My new truck will be tied up for a couple days at the shop getting some work done to it. I don't drive my wife's car as I don't want it damaged. I am homebound until Wed PM. That's OK.

Wife's parents called today. I really don't know why. Her dad NEVER liked me as I caused the first of his babies to leave the nest. He never hid that fact either. Her mother likes me just fine as long as her dad isn't around. Go figure that out. I waved at a jack (Jackass) once as we were going down the road and said "there's your dad"! She laughed until she had tears in her eyes and running down her face.

I'm just rambling again. Thanks for listening Live Well
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