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Ghosting is the kind of thing which cannot HELP but bother one -- at first. Sometimes they ghost without a word, sometimes they play off work and just use that to drop contact and worst of all is when they make contact impossible for you BUT reassure you they'll be in touch as soon as possible -- and then vanish without a trace.
As I said, it eats at you -- at first.
The real ability to move on comes when you finally wrap your head around the fact that you are wasting energy allowing yourself to be bothered on behalf of someone who didn't care enough about you to offer YOU the same break they were taking for themselves; no clean break, no clear severance, no mature words, just excuses and *POOF*.
Once you realize how little this actually indicates their level of care for you and your well-being is, the next step is to emotionally drop them and move on with your life. Completely and never looking back.
Remember, the ONLY reasons for ghosting are selfish. The person wants to ditch you sans uncomfortable confrontation, they want a kind of plausible deniability for themselves in the event you ever are face-to-face ("You know, things just kind of happened, I never meant for it to...") and ultimately they cared little enough about you that they were perfectly capable of never speaking to you again if things worked out their way.
How should you respond to ghosting?
Answer: By accomodating their wishes completely and exorcising every last shred of them from your life. They have PROVED quite clearly what you meant to them. Why would you waste a single breath further?
Online daters of the world know how confusing/frustrating/annoying it is when someone who sounded interest in meeting has disappeared or "ghosted" with no explanation or goodbye. Rational thought turns to the saying "then they weren't interested enough or I don't want to be with someone like that anyway". But dating is hard and sometimes people get discouraged or frustrated.
My situation I'm referring to is a girl who emailed me first on OKC: we had a high match percentage and we had some good conversation through emails and phone. We were planning to meet up soon when she got back in town and now she hasnt responded for days to my call or text. I went online and noticed that she took down her dating profile. There's a chance she met someone and is pursuing that relationship, but my gut tells me that she is maybe sick of dating or she got frustrated or scared. Usually I just move on, this has happened to me a lot lately (more than usual) but it no longer bothers me anymore as I'm much more comfortable with myself to accept it.
What I'm trying to get at is that I'm thinking of texting her one last time to see if I can't change her mind about meeting and maybe even just being friends if she's not up for dating. We had a lot in common and I was looking forward to meeting her. What would you say if you were in my shoes? I'm thinking something like "hey, I realize you probably aren't interested in dating at this time but I really did enjoy talking to you and if you're open to meeting up one time as friends I am still open to the idea. Hope you're doing well."
cdubs, if I like a guy, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING would make me disappear from him. I would not ignore his calls or texts and I will ensure I am available to him. She is very clear by her actions that she is not into you.
Personally, if I were you, I would not contact her anymore, not even in the guise of friendship. I would hold myself up, gather what's left of my dignity and move on to other catches. Don't give her the chance to ignore you again. You are better than that.
Answer: By accomodating their wishes completely and exorcising every last shred of them from your life. They have PROVED quite clearly what you meant to them. Why would you waste a single breath further?
I'm getting to the point where the next one is getting punched in the face. How can my generation have so many disgusting useless pieces of pond scum that they cannot act like an adult and state "lets be friends" or "I don't want to see you again"? I just went through this with a guy and he just ditched everybody he met on meetup - every single last one of us, right out of the blue. What a useless piece of pond scum.
I DO NOT understand why it is so hard for people my age to confront others. I speaks of how childish and useless my generation is. Rather than state that they do not want to be friends or to date the person they met, they just run and hide like a useless coward. I don't get it. I would rather burn the bridge and call it a day. Running and hiding just invites stalkers and it causes far more animosity than being honest does. I have moved on and forgave those in my past who fired me, did not want me around, stated that the friendship was over, broke up with me, etc. But I remember all the ghosts. And always will. They were the spineless pieces of crap who are really children who decided to hide. At some point the guy from meetup will more than likely surface, thinking things have cooled down. But because he ghosted, everyone remembers.
I don't like confrontation myself, but I would rather people know where they stood with me than to run and hide and hope they forget. People don't forget. They forget less when a ghost is involved. One thing I have managed to learn is that people don't get hints. They do however understand "I am not interested in you that way, sorry." Running away and hiding comes across as "Hi there! I'm a coward and a selfish brat child and I ran and hid and I hope that you get the hint that I don't want to see you ever again. You meant absolutely nothing to me." I have told that to a few ghosts I've met later and they always go "I didn't mean that at all!" Well, your actions spoke louder than your words, and you could not even be bothered to act like an adult!
I DO NOT understand why it is so hard for people my age to confront others.
Pretty simple. It's pretty much a consequence of learning social skills via texting, skype, and instant messaging, instead of learning to actually TALK to people.
I guess you guys are right. At the end of the day she's not worth it. Even if I were able to change her mind....would I have wanted to start a relationship that way? Probably not.
As for my generation and their cowardly behavior....I hardly blame technology. I blame how we were raised. My generation saw schools go from breaking up scuffles at recess to a utopian "no tolerance for violence" policy where if you pushed a kid the teacher labeled it fighting and you received 3 days suspension. You couldn't even meet the kid after school to settle your differences because if the staff found out it started at school first and ended off campus then you'd STILL get suspended. Everything was "leave it alone" or "fighting isn't worth it" or "talk it out with counselors".
I promise you at least 60% of the MEN in my generational age group have never been in a fight. I'm using the physical aspect of this as an example. I don't think kids should be bashing their brains in and sending each other to the hospital, but it's a perfect example of how society is growing less and less confrontational. People are worried about the extremes (which only happens when kids bottle it up inside and aren't allowed to express their anger or discontent with one another until they've gone mad, see: Columbine High School).
That's just the way it is these days. Kids are treated like babies and nannied by their parents well into early adulthood, just like the parents are nannied by the state in asking for all the benefits they can get from a government that is happy to steal it from others in order to give it in return for their vote.
I'll repeat, this has nothing to do with technology except that it has only ENABLED this behavior further, not create it.
I've been ghosted by nearly every single man I've met. Only a select few have outright told me they weren't interested and they were pretty mean about it. So, I'm used to it now and have come to almost expect it.
It seems most peoe just want to ignore the problem and it will eventually go away.
A lot of ghosting I think happens for the same reason people easily become internet bullies. Behind a screen and a computer it is easy for them to have confidence. However, when it comes to actually meeting someone face to face, their anxieties take over, and it suddenly becomes difficult. Many shrink from the thought, and to avoid the situation they just break off online contact.
It is one of the many things that makes internet dating difficult.
I guess you guys are right. At the end of the day she's not worth it. Even if I were able to change her mind....would I have wanted to start a relationship that way? Probably not.
That -- right there, bolded.
People can change their minds about you, for better or for worse, depending on how interaction goes, how they handle (or do not handle) difficulties and/or pleasantries, etc.
But...
WHY would you feel as though you needed to change someone's mind about dumping you? The fact of the matter is that they are at a place/stage where they feel comfortable about dumping you, moving on, living without you.
Why would you want someone like that kept IN your life? It would be like walking on eggshells, afraid to make a wrong move, feeling as though you lived with "one last chance". You'd never have the leeway every single human needs: The leeway to make a mistake and NOT fear you'd just stepped on a mine, that there was no coming back from this.
That kind of thing ONLY - ONLY - ONLY comes from openness, communication and blatant HONESTY, and not only are the majority of people incapable of that, the person who would ghost in the first place is most certainly incapable of that.
To attempt to change the mind of someone who would do this to you in the first place is precisely like saying "I'd appreciate it if you'd please come back and abuse me some more, thanks."
If you're even pondering the notion of changing someone's mind in that way, you are really in dire need of some critical self-examination. I don't say that to be a jerk; I say that because you've subtly revealed what you think you're worth, and you're WRONG, you just don't know it yet.
What I'm trying to get at is that I'm thinking of texting her one last time to see if I can't change her mind
I say give it a dozen more "Last Time" Text messages and if she doesn't respond by then, give it another dozen "Last Time" messages. Repeat until she finally agrees to date you or she changes her phone number.
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