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but his schedule is very sporatic which makes it hard for me to work because someone has to watch our 13 month old.
Recently my mother became ill and nearly died. I still have been unable to see her because of work and our child.
She sounds like a single mother...only one person is skipping work and visiting ill relatives due to child care issues.
If he's such a wonderful involved dad, why isn't HE the one skipping work?
Or better still, TAKING TIME OFF SO HE CAN SUPPORT HER AND TAKE HER AND THE BABY TO SEE HER DYING MUM?
i see your point, but my husband is unable to watch her because of his hectic work schedule. he does help take care of the baby and is not an uninvolved dad. in fact, i couldn't ask for a better dad.
Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety,(TICK)chronic depression(TICK)...associated wiith situations of power imbalance,(TICK)... the widely used Conflict Tactics Scale measures roughly twenty distinct acts of "psychological aggression" in three different categories:
Verbal aggression (e.g., "Your partner has said something to upset/annoy you");
Dominant behaviours (e.g., "Your partner has tried to prevent you from seeing/speaking to your family");
Jealous behaviors (e.g., "Your partner has accused you of maintaining other parallel relations").
The U.S. Department of Justice defines emotionally abusive traits as including causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends, destruction of pets and property, forcing isolation from family, friends, or school or work.[4]
In 1996, Health Canada argued that emotional abuse is motivated by urges for "power and discontrol",[3] and defines emotional abuse as including rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness" as characteristic of emotional abuse.
Several studies have argued that, unlike physical and sexual maltreatment, an isolated incident does not constitute emotional abuse. Tomison and Tucci write, "emotional abuse is characterised by a climate or pattern of behaviour(s) occurring over time [...] Thus, 'sustained' and 'repetitive' are the crucial components of any definition of emotional abuse."[5]Andrew Vachss, an author, attorney and former sex crimes investigator, defines emotional abuse as "the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event."[6]
Subtler emotionally abusive tactics include insults, putdowns, arbitrary and unpredictable inconsistency, and gaslighting (the denial that previous abusive incidents occurred).
I keep coming back to this thread because the poison that is being spread makes me feel uneasy. I truly hope you aren't listening to the more negative advice you have received on this thread.
Here is the thing you need to bear in mind when your husband resists the idea that you move: You are suggesting that your husband, a man with a wife and a child, become unemployed all in the name of your personal comfort. For a man to be without a job is a HUGE deal for them. (And it is for women too, just ask any single man without a job what his dating prospects are like.) He knows he can't get a job in his field there too, and would probably be unemployed for at least a year, maybe two, and will eventual settle on doing something unrelated. You will be the bread winner, you will be surrounded by family, and he will be underemployed loser who always has to explain himself. And the fact is, if he were to be in this role, you will no longer want him. You will resent him. This is the real reason why you can't make this move. Your husband isn't an abusive a55hole, he is simply preserving your marriage.
i see your point, but i just am so unhappy? how do I become happy?
i see your point, but i just am so unhappy? how do I become happy?
If we had the answer to that question, there wouldn't be any people with problems in this world. Unfortunately, it's impossible to say what will make you happy. You can try artificial happiness by joining a religion.
I think the issue is pretty evident that you want to live near your parents.. I moved away from home at 21 and never went back to live there. There were no jobs for my husband there so we had to leave.
I was not unhappy where we lived but in retrospect I wish we had lived closer for many reasons. I never got to know my sister or brother since they were much younger than me. My kids also never got to know their grandparents the way I knew my grandmother.
I went home this year for a HS reunion and realized that the people I knew in HS were still friends. I felt sad that I had missed out on that too.
You can be happy and I think counseling will help as long as you both are honest and try to see the other persons POV.
However, if we hadn't moved around, I wouldn't have met my 2nd husband. So sometimes it is just the way life is.. there is always good and bad.
how have i not comprimised? I have comprimised for five years. I gave him options at bigger cities where he would be more likely to find a job and he put in a half assed effort at applying (something he himself mentioned). I am showing compassion, that is why I am so worried and upset over this. That is why I have come on here for advice. I don't want to move him somewhere he will hate but I am unhappy and have been for so long.
It sounds as if you are at an impass. You are unhappy, and it isn't going to change by you staying with someone that doesn't seem to care about your needs. I am sure there is more to the story (there always is). He may feel he has tried very hard. Some men still are not comfortable not being the breadwinner.
I think you already know your marriage is over and it is time to move on. You shouldn't be crying every day. Take your child, move to VA, and get a lawyer. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
i see your point, but i just am so unhappy? how do I become happy?
I can't answer that, but one thing I can say for sure is that it isn't your husband's job to make you happy. You have to figure that one out for yourself. Get a hobby, do some volunteering, join a Meet Up group, write a book... If you divorce him and take your child to VA as others are suggesting, you will still be unhappy. I don't know who came up with the idea that a woman getting a divorce will gain automatic happiness, but trust me it is a lie. Happiness comes from within.
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