InLaws calling me abusive (wife, marriage, love, husbands)
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My wife's grandmother just passed away this week, and the day after the funderal, several InLaws from their side of the family, who are in town, told my wife they thought I am "emotionally abusive." They said I just do enough to stay with her, nothing more. She is confused by these comments as well as I am. What is emotional abuse? What can I do about it? I'm not a showy person with my affection, and I don't advertise the things I do for my wife, so I suppose I can see them thinking I don't do much for her, but emotional abuse? I would disregard the comments as being from people who don't know me, but the bug is in my wife's ear. Please help.
Not being affectionate is certianly not emotional abuse. maybe they are confused. As long as you and your wife are happy with each other, you should tell them to mind their own business. I know that your wife probably cant get it out of her mind now, but if youre telling the whole truth, then she needs to get over it as well.
My wife's grandmother just passed away this week, and the day after the funderal, several InLaws from their side of the family, who are in town, told my wife they thought I am "emotionally abusive." They said I just do enough to stay with her, nothing more. She is confused by these comments as well as I am. What is emotional abuse? What can I do about it? I'm not a showy person with my affection, and I don't advertise the things I do for my wife, so I suppose I can see them thinking I don't do much for her, but emotional abuse? I would disregard the comments as being from people who don't know me, but the bug is in my wife's ear. Please help.
There has to be something more to this that you're not revealing in the post. I'm not saying you are emotionally abusive, but "you just do enough to stay with her, nothing more" is sort of vague.
Usually someone is described as emotionally abusive when they speak unkindly to their partner or they manipulate them in some way. Is this true for you? It can also be applicable to a person who backs away from emotionally supporting their partner when they need it.
Obviously this has something to do with whatever was going on with your wife's grandmother's funeral or you wouldn't have mentioned it, but you don't give any details. Were you there for her to support her in her grief? "I'm not a showy person with my affection" is a cheesy and immature copout, especially if you struck that pose at the time when your wife's was mourning the death of someone she loved. That's a really good time to get over yourself and be there as emotional support for someone you are supposed to love.
I'm not saying this is what happened, but YOU mentioned it so it made me wonder.
Emotional abuse, in my opinion, usually involve the following characteristics:
-Excessive criticism, often of unreasonable issues that are either not important or out of the victim's control
-Berating someone for an extended period over a mistake, or perceived mistake
-Undermining someone's sense of self or self-worth.
-Making them doubt their reasonable interpretations of situations/actions.
-Withholding affection and intimacy in order to manipulate the victim
If you're just not affectionate, no that's not abuse. But if her family doesn't see you backing her up when there's a death in the family, yeah, they might feel the need to circle the wagons around her. If your wife's family doesn't feel you have her back and you're leaving her alone in the emotional sense to deal with some heavy stuff, they are going to see you as "just doing enough" to keep the marriage going rather than being a fully engaged, loving and supportive partner.
As her spouse, you should be interacting with her family and with her during their time of grief. Engage in conversation, be respectful, and ask your wife how you can help her. And if she doesn't need anything, you put your arm around her and rub her back or SOMETHING. Because maybe you're not affectionate by nature, but she's your WIFE - so you make an effort and step outside your comfort zone for her.
My wife's grandmother just passed away this week, and the day after the funderal, several InLaws from their side of the family, who are in town, told my wife they thought I am "emotionally abusive." They said I just do enough to stay with her, nothing more. She is confused by these comments as well as I am. What is emotional abuse? What can I do about it? I'm not a showy person with my affection, and I don't advertise the things I do for my wife, so I suppose I can see them thinking I don't do much for her, but emotional abuse? I would disregard the comments as being from people who don't know me, but the bug is in my wife's ear. Please help.
An issue that should be discussed with your wife NOT here. If she thinks/feels there is a problem with how you treat her she should tell you so both can get it worked out. If she thinks/feels there is no problem and her relatives are being idiots she will blow it off and continue about your marriage with you and not her family.
There has to be something more to this that you're not revealing in the post. I'm not saying you are emotionally abusive, but "you just do enough to stay with her, nothing more" is sort of vague.
Usually someone is described as emotionally abusive when they speak unkindly to their partner or they manipulate them in some way. Is this true for you? It can also be applicable to a person who backs away from emotionally supporting their partner when they need it.
Obviously this has something to do with whatever was going on with your wife's grandmother's funeral or you wouldn't have mentioned it, but you don't give any details. Were you there for her to support her in her grief? "I'm not a showy person with my affection" is a cheesy and immature copout, especially if you struck that pose at the time when your wife's was mourning the death of someone she loved. That's a really good time to get over yourself and be there as emotional support for someone you are supposed to love.
I'm not saying this is what happened, but YOU mentioned it so it made me wonder.
It is NOT cheesy and immature and certainly not a copout. I am not into showing affection in front of others and certainly not at a gathering for a funeral. There are times and places and in public is neither the time nor the place. Holding hands while going for a walk, a modest touch, a hand on her shoulder while she is sitting and he is standing behind her all fine in public but not much more than that. I guess I am fortunate that none of my husbands family is outwardly overly affectionate. When we arrive at a gathering it's all handshakes and hugs and when we leave but nothing in between. It is just how some people are.
If what he does for his wife is known by her that is all that matters and her family's opinion or his family's opinion doesn't count for anything. They are married to each other and should keep it that way and keep friends and family out of any issue that comes up between them. Sneakers and I keep our marriage to ourselves and we discuss everything and get it worked out. Not the easiest thing in the world to get done but it does get done no matter how long it takes.
It is NOT cheesy and immature and certainly not a copout. I am not into showing affection in front of others and certainly not at a gathering for a funeral. There are times and places and in public is neither the time nor the place. Holding hands while going for a walk, a modest touch, a hand on her shoulder while she is sitting and he is standing behind her all fine in public but not much more than that. I guess I am fortunate that none of my husbands family is outwardly overly affectionate. When we arrive at a gathering it's all handshakes and hugs and when we leave but nothing in between. It is just how some people are.
If what he does for his wife is known by her that is all that matters and her family's opinion or his family's opinion doesn't count for anything. They are married to each other and should keep it that way and keep friends and family out of any issue that comes up between them. Sneakers and I keep our marriage to ourselves and we discuss everything and get it worked out. Not the easiest thing in the world to get done but it does get done no matter how long it takes.
No, no, no, you are misunderstanding. He doesn't have to show off in front of others--he just has to be there for her. I'm asking him exactly what you are saying--is he there for HER in her grief AT ALL or is he using "I'm just not showy with affection" as an excuse for not showing his wife the affection she needs, even in private.
I don't know. I was asking. If it's just the wife's relatives who are making these remarks based on their limited knowledge, then just blow off their remarks. But the OP didn't blow off their remarks. He's wondering himself if he's doing something wrong. I was giving him some questions to ask himself.
If he's not into being showy with affection in private, no big deal. If he withholds emotional support when his wife needs it, well, yes, that's a very big deal.
Emotional abuse is insidious and damaging. I don't know whether those who are emotionally abusive are able to recognize that they are. But you're asking the question, so that's good. Read up on it and keep an open mind.
My wife's grandmother just passed away this week, and the day after the funderal, several InLaws from their side of the family, who are in town, told my wife they thought I am "emotionally abusive." They said I just do enough to stay with her, nothing more. She is confused by these comments as well as I am. What is emotional abuse? What can I do about it? I'm not a showy person with my affection, and I don't advertise the things I do for my wife, so I suppose I can see them thinking I don't do much for her, but emotional abuse? I would disregard the comments as being from people who don't know me, but the bug is in my wife's ear. Please help.
There has got to be more to this...
I highly doubt anyone would accuse you of being abusive just because you are not physically demonstrative with your wife.
Are you critical of her? Do you use a lot of sarcasm? Are you demanding? Do you ever belittle her? Hold things over her head? Hold grudges? Manipulate her with money?
What could they have seen to make them call you "abusive"?
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