Do people really change when they're married, or is it when they have kids? (woman, husband)
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Yeah I get the impression, at least from one couple in particular, that they could find a babysitter or family member or whatever to watch the kids so they could actually get out of the house and have fun, but they seem to think it's a big hassle so they just decline invitations instead. And heaven forbid one of them stays home with the kid while the other gets a night out. That's not going to happen with these two.
So you know what happens? I stop inviting them.
We both worked full-time jobs, so coming home to our son was all we wanted to do. Getting a babysitter so that we could leave him, after being gone all day, never sat well with us. If I was a SAHM, I'm sure would have felt differently. Priorities change when your kid arrives...they have to. "Going out" no longer has the appeal that it used to. But there are degrees of differences, for sure. A good friend of mine, after having her first (and only) child, had her mom stay with him at 2 weeks so that she could go out and join her friends for drinks. She said she was climbing the walls. For most people, I think, at least those that are happy, time with the family is priority one. It still is, for me.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 08-21-2012 at 10:08 PM..
We both worked full-time jobs, so coming home to our son was all we wanted to do. Getting a babysitter so that we could leave him, after being gone all day, never sat well with us. If I was a SAHM, I'm sure would have felt differently. Priorities change when you kid arrives...they have to. "Going out" no longer has the appeal that it used to. But there are degrees of differences, for sure. A good friend of mine, after having her first (and only) child, had her mom stay with him at 2 weeks so that she could go out and join her friends for drinks. She said she was climbing the walls. For most people, I think, at least those that are happy, time with the family is priority one. It still is, for me.
Yeah it's understandable to an extent. I can imagine that after a long week it's nice to just relax at home with the family. I'm definitely happy for them because they have the things in life that I want for myself. At the same time though they have to remember that other people in the world care about them and want to spend time with them as well. We have been friends for many years, and I don't think it's cool to just abandon friendships because you have a family now.
Yeah it's understandable to an extent. I can imagine that after a long week it's nice to just relax at home with the family. I'm definitely happy for them because they have the things in life that I want for myself. At the same time though they have to remember that other people in the world care about them and want to spend time with them as well. We have been friends for many years, and I don't think it's cool to just abandon friendships because you have a family now.
We certainly didn't lose friendships, but we did see them less frequently. And going "out" generally meant somewhere that we could take our son with us. We had plenty of dinners out even when he was a baby - he was one of those quiet babies - we just never had to deal with the crying/screaming thing when we were out. We were lucky, I know. Our friends definitely visited at our home more, they understood that we had a child now, and that was our focus. We had plenty of cookouts - lots of people over, and we went to plenty of our friends homes for the same. Of course lots of our friends were also having kids, so it worked out well.
We certainly didn't lose friendships, but we did see them less frequently. And going "out" generally meant somewhere that we could take our son with us. We had plenty of dinners out even when he was a baby - he was one of those quiet babies - we just never had to deal with the crying/screaming thing when we were out. We were lucky, I know. Our friends definitely visited at our home more, they understood that we had a child now, and that was our focus. We had plenty of cookouts - lots of people over, and we went to plenty of our friends homes for the same. Of course lots of our friends were also having kids, so it worked out well.
Yep I have known this couple for a long time. I was best man in their wedding. Seeing them less frequently is to be expected and is completely understandable. But I haven't seen them since March.
I would say kids because I've lost a fair amount of friends from children. Every time we may have some kind of spontaneous outing or something. They can't attend due to the children not having a babysitter and other excuses. I don't even contact them anymore and it feels awkward calling them friends because I don't even miss them. Better than them constantly telling me what their kids have done. I broke a relationship by telling her to stop telling me about her kid because I didn't care.
Yeah it's understandable to an extent. I can imagine that after a long week it's nice to just relax at home with the family. I'm definitely happy for them because they have the things in life that I want for myself. At the same time though they have to remember that other people in the world care about them and want to spend time with them as well. We have been friends for many years, and I don't think it's cool to just abandon friendships because you have a family now.
I sympathize with you, but maybe you could view it as life priorities have changed, rather than you've been abandoned.
My SO, is 40 and is the last of his circle of friends that isn't married/doesn't have kids. He's really struggled with that, but truthfully, what the rest of his friends are doing is normal at this age. Also, they were a group of friends that lived near each other, so while he still lives in the city, the rest have moved out to the 'burbs and it's not as easy as meeting down the street for wings and beer anymore. It's been a little easier since we've been dating, because married friends may not want to get together when he's the single guy, so now we can go out for dinners and do things as couples.
I feel for him, but at the same time, they aren't 20 anymore, priorities change when you have a spouse but especially when you have a child. Until you have a child (I don't have any either), you really don't know how much life impacts you. Not only do you have to be there for your child, but you want to. Assuming a situation where both parents work 9-5, M-F, that leaves evenings and weekends for your family, and small children tend to go to bed early, so many parents are lucky to get 2-3 hours a day with their kids. Family time is very precious, especially during those young years, years you can't get back when they grow up. Time is so fleeting.
I think it's a matter of adjusting to life changes as we grow and mature. In our teens, we've shifted away from our parents and friends are our top priority. As get into our older teens, our attention shifts to finding romantic relationships. Once schooling is done, there's the job search, combined with hoping to find someone to share your life with, so that takes away from all the time you hung out with your friends with disposable income and no responsibilities. Once you move to marriage and then kids, it all shifts again. Those transitional stages are tough on those not going through them at the same time, almost like being caught between 2 worlds.
Some of my best friends live in other countries/states and I'm lucky to see them every 3-5 years, but that doesn't mean I don't value them in my life because I can't physically spend time with them. After all this rambling, my best advice is appreciate your friends for what time you do get with them, stay in touch via phone, text, email in between face-to-face visits.
I would say kids because I've lost a fair amount of friends from children. Every time we may have some kind of spontaneous outing or something. They can't attend due to the children not having a babysitter and other excuses. I don't even contact them anymore and it feels awkward calling them friends because I don't even miss them. Better than them constantly telling me what their kids have done. I broke a relationship by telling her to stop telling me about her kid because I didn't care.
Part of the problem is that parents often can't be spontaneous. It's not like kids are dogs that you let out to pee before you go, leave a bowl of food on the floor, and they're good for 6 hours.
Even without having kids myself, I know how hard it is to find a reliable and trustworthy sitter. (I used to be one!) And if that person is really good, they're also going to be in demand. For those lucky enough to have family close by, well those people have lives and aren't sitting around just waiting for your friends to need them to watch the kids at the last minute.
Lots of people are always changing, no matter what.
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