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These are my opinions....based on what you've disclosed here....
Your husband is likely a sex addict. He is addicted to porn. He should be addressing this w/ professionals. Sounds like he is in total denial..typical, and is running the old 60's BS.... You're on here wondering what you can do to make yourself more appealing, what YOU can do to make him stop. You can't do anything....HE CAN.
But as long as he can make you feel like crap, like it is your fault, like there is any hope that you'll find the magic combination of things.....Then he will do what he is supposed to do. Treat you w/ the love and respect that we all deserve from our partners.
WRONG....He is dangling a carrot.....He will let you think it's you, or something lacking in you...it gives you those issues and angst and distracts from his.
You need to take some serious timeouts and evaluate what you even get from a relationship w/ him, and whether it is worth all this grief and heart ache. A healthy relationship is mutually respectful, He is disrespecting you and blaming you for being hurt and upset.
Get into a support group....immediately for your self. This is emotional abuse...Doesn't matter if it is alcohol, drugs, other women....it feels the same way. The addicts want to control you, keep you off balance....so they keep getting their way. Get yourself to a professional that you feel comfortable with.
Discuss what is going on, discuss your options. Heal your own thinking. And get some space so that you can make some logical rational decisions.
Good luck to you...there are probably more than a few of us that can relate to your pain.. Get yourself into a codependency counselor, support group...read it can save your life. Signs of a Codependent Relationship
Sadly, I don't think she is listening...but great post
These are my opinions....based on what you've disclosed here....
Your husband is likely a sex addict. He is addicted to porn. He should be addressing this w/ professionals. Sounds like he is in total denial..typical, and is running the old 60's BS.... You're on here wondering what you can do to make yourself more appealing, what YOU can do to make him stop. You can't do anything....HE CAN.
But as long as he can make you feel like crap, like it is your fault, like there is any hope that you'll find the magic combination of things.....Then he will do what he is supposed to do. Treat you w/ the love and respect that we all deserve from our partners.
WRONG....He is dangling a carrot.....He will let you think it's you, or something lacking in you...it gives you those issues and angst and distracts from his.
You need to take some serious timeouts and evaluate what you even get from a relationship w/ him, and whether it is worth all this grief and heart ache. A healthy relationship is mutually respectful, He is disrespecting you and blaming you for being hurt and upset.
Get into a support group....immediately for your self. This is emotional abuse...Doesn't matter if it is alcohol, drugs, other women....it feels the same way. The addicts want to control you, keep you off balance....so they keep getting their way. Get yourself to a professional that you feel comfortable with.
Discuss what is going on, discuss your options. Heal your own thinking. And get some space so that you can make some logical rational decisions.
Good luck to you...there are probably more than a few of us that can relate to your pain.. Get yourself into a codependency counselor, support group...read it can save your life. Signs of a Codependent Relationship
No excuse. I understand where both parties are coming from, so to speak. Wait, nevermind...
No butt seriously...(just so happens I'm listening to Young Lust by Pink Floyd as I type this...dafuu)
Counseling may help. He has to be willing to go; he has to understand that he's driven his beautiful wife to the world wide intralinks to let some of this out to complete strangers. Perhaps, and I'm being somewhat facetious in saying, this is YOUR version of pron? Not intentionally, not by any means...but the drive is similar.
Men - Are fairly simple, oftentimes have high sex drives and are raised in a society where it's wrong.
Women - Value trust and honesty on the same level that men value fantastic, frequent sex.
Generalizations aside, I'm not trying to say anything other than, get his real attention and quit asking. You already know he's been watching it; he's uncomfortable with the interrogation routine and rightfully so...to an extent.
So you either A - Accept it or B - Move on. Simple. Tell him you understand, even if you don't now, but that you want to live up to the vows you gave. That you as a couple mean more to you than looking for a reason to back out of a contract, despite valid and critical grievances. I don't find the pron to be one, the lying, yes.
Once he's not on the defensive so much, and opens up some, the rest should follow. To me, and no offense intended, but he sounds a bit weak in the ol' constitution area. I've been busted, and I said "yep, it's pron. I jerk the gerken sometimes when you're not around. Jelly?"...not in so much an uncouth manner as that but it's straightforward enough.
The way we are raised has tentacles in to our adulthood beyond what we can readily comprehend without staring it in the face and examining why. He's uncomfortable, because he knows you don't necessarily approve. While you don't have to approve, there's a line where I illustrated above; if you can surmount the communication issues, the rest should follow. Until he feels comfortable enough to open up to you, that won't happen. And that won't happen when he's asked to explain himself to that degree. Small doses, and non-confrontational is the key. That's not to say it's not important, but it's like golf IMHO, it's all in the approach. Best of luck.
I think as a wife you need to start being more respectful of his sexuality. You should feel privileged to be part of his life. I think you're being sneaky in trying uncover his personal doings. very inappropiate. Just because he married you doesnt mean he has to change his personality.
he lies because you incriminate his normal doing. Who do you think you are?
This is all your fault in my opinion
No one should have to change their personality.
But everyone should be upfront about their personality to the person they are marrying.
What happens if you find yourself married to some girl who is fooling around on you?
I went with my husband to see a MFT and in an hour time had one of the most open/honest conversations I think we ever truly have had. Yes the lying is what bothered me most, and made me suspicious of more - the porn was to, an issue to me... It was a converstation I probably was not really ready/comfortable to have many years ago. I was able to express my concerns and he did acknowledge that he understands it is really not just one issue as he had previously. He said he was raised openly with porn/magazines being completely acceptable, and I explained I was the complete opposite. With being able to COMMUNICATE the feelings and explain why we feel or act a certain way, we can now atleast try to understand the others position & move forward. No, I'm not saying that I'm completely resolved with with either the lies he told or even now magically ok with porn, but after reading countless books, articles & blogs on both sides of the topic & talking to professionals that deal with these types of issues, I can see how my actions years ago could have made him afraid to talk to me, and not that it's an excuse to lie repedeatly for several years, but provide understanding that it wasn't to deliberately hurt me, but the opposite. We talked about why porn makes me upset & he finally showed me that he did feel bad about lying, and he explained he rationalized that since he wasn't actually cheating that it wasn't really that wrong. We are going to have couples counseling - and I am having my own to help me not feel the need to be co-dependent as well as hopefully help me in not being upset by porn. He is as well going to talk to someone individually to work on being an effective communicator. At the end of the day, I don't beleive in my heart he was unfaithful, and I want us to work out and be happy, like we are with all other aspects of our lives together. He told me that he was afraid to disclose specifics because he thought it would just hurt my feelings, and that he is realized & wished he would have been "caught" and admitted this years ago. He is apologetic for being disrespectful of my feelings, and told me in our session he did it because it made him feel better than completely admitting that he was being dishonest and accepting responsibility for his part. We have a long way to go in healing, but I would say on the track to and taking baby steps. Our current compromise is that I won't ask him about porn, he won't watch it. And if he decides to he will let me know that he did. I won't question the specifics, but we wil be discusssing them when we both are ready - him not feeling ashamed or afraid of being ridiculed and me being able to not feel so hurt by the action. Like I said before, I doubt I'm ever going to be someone that loves porn, but if there's no feeling that I'm being lied to & it's not a all say everyday thing, I'm resolved to accept that it wil occur, and that it doesn't reflect on me that I'm not attractive to him or that he watches it wanting someone other than me.
I went with my husband to see a MFT and in an hour time had one of the most open/honest conversations I think we ever truly have had. Yes the lying is what bothered me most, and made me suspicious of more - the porn was to, an issue to me... It was a converstation I probably was not really ready/comfortable to have many years ago. I was able to express my concerns and he did acknowledge that he understands it is really not just one issue as he had previously. He said he was raised openly with porn/magazines being completely acceptable, and I explained I was the complete opposite. With being able to COMMUNICATE the feelings and explain why we feel or act a certain way, we can now atleast try to understand the others position & move forward. No, I'm not saying that I'm completely resolved with with either the lies he told or even now magically ok with porn, but after reading countless books, articles & blogs on both sides of the topic & talking to professionals that deal with these types of issues, I can see how my actions years ago could have made him afraid to talk to me, and not that it's an excuse to lie repedeatly for several years, but provide understanding that it wasn't to deliberately hurt me, but the opposite. We talked about why porn makes me upset & he finally showed me that he did feel bad about lying, and he explained he rationalized that since he wasn't actually cheating that it wasn't really that wrong. We are going to have couples counseling - and I am having my own to help me not feel the need to be co-dependent as well as hopefully help me in not being upset by porn. He is as well going to talk to someone individually to work on being an effective communicator. At the end of the day, I don't beleive in my heart he was unfaithful, and I want us to work out and be happy, like we are with all other aspects of our lives together. He told me that he was afraid to disclose specifics because he thought it would just hurt my feelings, and that he is realized & wished he would have been "caught" and admitted this years ago. He is apologetic for being disrespectful of my feelings, and told me in our session he did it because it made him feel better than completely admitting that he was being dishonest and accepting responsibility for his part. We have a long way to go in healing, but I would say on the track to and taking baby steps. Our current compromise is that I won't ask him about porn, he won't watch it. And if he decides to he will let me know that he did. I won't question the specifics, but we wil be discusssing them when we both are ready - him not feeling ashamed or afraid of being ridiculed and me being able to not feel so hurt by the action. Like I said before, I doubt I'm ever going to be someone that loves porn, but if there's no feeling that I'm being lied to & it's not a all say everyday thing, I'm resolved to accept that it wil occur, and that it doesn't reflect on me that I'm not attractive to him or that he watches it wanting someone other than me.
Glad things worked out. Sounds like he genuinely loves you. Most posts regarding this subject (frequently occurs here) don't come to such a happy ending. 75% of the men involved will not go to counseling or even admit there's a problem with what they are doing.
Our current compromise is that I won't ask him about porn, he won't watch it. And if he decides to he will let me know that he did. I won't question the specifics, but we wil be discusssing them when we both are ready - him not feeling ashamed or afraid of being ridiculed and me being able to not feel so hurt by the action.
I'm surprised if this is a compromise you came to with the help of a therapist. First you say "he won't watch it" and follow that immediately with "if he does he'll tell me he did." There's a lot wrong with that arrangement, IMO. It starts by setting him up for failure - from your previous posts, porn is a big part of your husband's fantasy life. That doesn't just go away because you don't like it. It's an ingrained habit and release for him. He will continue to use porn and when he does, he will have failed part one of your compromise.
Part two of the compromise is a bad dynamic - it puts you in the mother/teacher role where he has to confess to his sins and get retro-active permission from you, the control figure. In the long-run that won't be good for you. IMO, a better 'compromise' is to acknowledge that he will continue to use porn - and that, since that's his thing and not yours, he needs to be respectful of your space and not expose you to the porn unwittingly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confusedwife
Like I said before, I doubt I'm ever going to be someone that loves porn, but if there's no feeling that I'm being lied to & it's not a all say everyday thing, I'm resolved to accept that it wil occur, and that it doesn't reflect on me that I'm not attractive to him or that he watches it wanting someone other than me.
The porn and the lying are his issues - he had them before he ever knew you. It has nothing to do with how attractive he finds you or how much/what kind of sex you have with him. Porn is a fantasy/stress reliever for a lot of men. Unfortunately, it can do a number on a woman's ego - and he compounds it all with the lying. I hope your individual therapist can help with your self-esteem and that the marriage therapist helps with the communication/lying issues.
It is really dependent on you two's closeness and how he reacts. My wife and I are very close and open. I am functionally disabled so I have a check but stay home. She works full time. It was getting too much for her and she needed help, I a used to be lost in the housework area, instead spent a lot of time on the internet as well as too much time looking at porn. Also I was drinking a bit much. I sat down and talked with her and told her she should take the lead of the relationship. She agreed and I explained that she need not sugarcoat requests, but TELL me what she wants done, now if we discuss things (argue) at the point she is tired of it she just points and says "discussion over!" and she makes the decision as to how we are going to handle it. I back her decision. She trained me on housework with a simple Home Depot paint stick. If she comes home and my required duties are not completed to her satisfaction without a GOOD reason she approves of, before bed I get soundly spanked on my bare butt...she really knows how to paddle a butt! I will then apoligise and tell her I will do better in the future, we then go to bed and go to sleep, if she chooses she may unlock me for sex or not. Usually I wind up staying locked and pleasing her in other ways... It has always bugged her that I curse so much so now in her earshot I must talk and act like a gentleman at all times. I have also quit both drinking as well as smoking with her guidance. This may seem a bit strange to some but it has drawn us much closer together and I cannot wait for her to get home from a hard day at work so I can serve her supper. Guys, it works if you can let your "macho" go a bit at home, I am every bit the man in all other aspects!
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Wait, nevermind...
