Marriages where the stay at home wife persues her own interests (wives, men)
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It is true that if it works for them and everyone is fine and happy, then there is nothing wrong.
If everything was great, I doubt this thread would have been started.
Yet, I wonder what people would be saying If the wife worked to provide financially so the guy could stay at home and pursue his interests. People still accept the role of the wife as a "homemaker" as being acceptable. What if the wife worked, so the guy could pursue interests all day?
I'd love a house husband. However, I'm assuming he wouldn't be just having a party while I was working. It's not clear what the OP's wife is contributing, since he makes it sound like she's just off having a grand old time rather than taking care of the home situation. If I had a guy supporting my career by making sure I didn't have to worry about all the administrative and household stuff in my life, I'd be going a lot further professionally.
A childless couple I am friends with has it set up so the wife works and the husband stays home to work on his novel and take care of the house. She loves her job, and he loves his writing and making sure she has all the backup she needs. They are both very happy with the situation.
What does she do for you? I did not see any references to how she improves your life, other than to allow you to pay for her hobbies and travel. Does she cook for you? Make you breakfast and pack your lunch? Does she handle all the household bills and take your car in to be serviced? Do you come home to a tidy house with a full refrigerator and a closet full of clean clothes? I hope you aren't living on take-out and frozen dinners while your wife is out living her carefree and exciting lifestyle.
Couples make it work by contributing to the marriage and helping to benefit the other person, as well as the family unit. If it's all one-sided, the giver ends up resenting the taker, or the giver doesn't realize the dysfunction for whatever reason. It sounds like you are already realizing this. For instance, why did you ask what other stay-at-home spouses have as hobbies? Don't you know what your wife does all day? Or are you displeased with how she manages her time?
<<<What does she do for you? I did not see any references to how she improves your life, other than to allow you to pay for her hobbies and travel. Does she cook for you? Make you breakfast and pack your lunch? Does she handle all the household bills and take your car in to be serviced? Do you come home to a tidy house with a full refrigerator and a closet full of clean clothes? I hope you aren't living on take-out and frozen dinners while your wife is out living her carefree and exciting lifestyle.
Couples make it work by contributing to the marriage and helping to benefit the other person, as well as the family unit. If it's all one-sided, the giver ends up resenting the taker, or the giver doesn't realize the dysfunction for whatever reason. It sounds like you are already realizing this. For instance, why did you ask what other stay-at-home spouses have as hobbies? Don't you know what your wife does all day? Or are you displeased with how she manages her time?>>>
Well, besides making great meals when she is home to cook, she has some unusual qualities:
1. In a side venture that netted me much money many years ago, she had the savy as to how to do the deal and called some of the shots.
2. For some reason, she has the futs to make decisions and deal firmly with people in a way that I don't. For instance, she picked out the house and was much better at negotiating down the price and the deal then I would ever be.
3. She is a worldclass networker in the following ways:
A. My current steady source of income, which is a contracting gig, she actually arranged it (I applaud her for ferreting out this nice low six figure opportunity). She knew of the people and patiently knew when to actually push to arrange it.
B. A part of me dreams, despite a part of me feeling that I should just be a career employee or contractor, of creating a large scale multimiillion dollar business. We are far from multimillionaires now, but she believes in my dream and pushes me to do it. Besides offering some great coaching she has the following magical ability:
Every trip she takes and for half of the arts and activism projects that she is involved in, she always comes back mysteriously with a new contact or lead for my dream venture. Some leads don't pan out, but one person that she met in Southeast Asia is close to being one of the main investors.
She also assists in decison making and helps me overcome some of my weaknesses.
Additionally, she is a much more dynamic, talented, outspoken, and interesting individual then me and is the star when dinner parties are hosted.
On some level it might be a fair bargain:
1. I get to live through some of her adventures and get a more interesting mate then I otherwise would have gotten.
2. In terms of earning money, her contribution involves less hours and is indirect but essential: While I do the actual work for the low six figure opportunity she found me, she was able to find it while I couldn't network my way out of a paper bag.
For the entrepreneurial venture, even though it is mostly my idea and business analysis, if I do create the million dollar business I dream of her contribution is worth it since I couldn't network my way out of a paper bag to get the contacts she managed to get me through her travels, even if I do 100 percent of the long hour day work. Of course she would probaly coach me and use her savy to close deals.
Additionally, her networking and social skills have helped me in other areas of life. When I had a medical problem that had potential long term damage, she was able to locate through her network the best medical professional who was able to think at a much higher level then the average one (problem solved.)
Again, here is something to think about:
If you were an aspiring high level business person, how would you feel about a spouse who didn't contribute by working full time in the traditional sense, nor was a traditional homemaker, but whose incidental networking via her lifestyle of leisure increased your income at least fourfold?
<<<What does she do for you? I did not see any references to how she improves your life, other than to allow you to pay for her hobbies and travel. Does she cook for you? Make you breakfast and pack your lunch? Does she handle all the household bills and take your car in to be serviced? Do you come home to a tidy house with a full refrigerator and a closet full of clean clothes? I hope you aren't living on take-out and frozen dinners while your wife is out living her carefree and exciting lifestyle.
Couples make it work by contributing to the marriage and helping to benefit the other person, as well as the family unit. If it's all one-sided, the giver ends up resenting the taker, or the giver doesn't realize the dysfunction for whatever reason. It sounds like you are already realizing this. For instance, why did you ask what other stay-at-home spouses have as hobbies? Don't you know what your wife does all day? Or are you displeased with how she manages her time?>>>
Well, besides making great meals when she is home to cook, she has some unusual qualities:
1. In a side venture that netted me much money many years ago, she had the savy as to how to do the deal and called some of the shots.
2. For some reason, she has the futs to make decisions and deal firmly with people in a way that I don't. For instance, she picked out the house and was much better at negotiating down the price and the deal then I would ever be.
3. She is a worldclass networker in the following ways:
A. My current steady source of income, which is a contracting gig, she actually arranged it (I applaud her for ferreting out this nice low six figure opportunity). She knew of the people and patiently knew when to actually push to arrange it.
B. A part of me dreams, despite a part of me feeling that I should just be a career employee or contractor, of creating a large scale multimiillion dollar business. We are far from multimillionaires now, but she believes in my dream and pushes me to do it. Besides offering some great coaching she has the following magical ability:
Every trip she takes and for half of the arts and activism projects that she is involved in, she always comes back mysteriously with a new contact or lead for my dream venture. Some leads don't pan out, but one person that she met in Southeast Asia is close to being one of the main investors.
She also assists in decison making and helps me overcome some of my weaknesses.
Additionally, she is a much more dynamic, talented, outspoken, and interesting individual then me and is the star when dinner parties are hosted.
On some level it might be a fair bargain:
1. I get to live through some of her adventures and get a more interesting mate then I otherwise would have gotten.
2. In terms of earning money, her contribution involves less hours and is indirect but essential: While I do the actual work for the low six figure opportunity she found me, she was able to find it while I couldn't network my way out of a paper bag.
For the entrepreneurial venture, even though it is mostly my idea and business analysis, if I do create the million dollar business I dream of her contribution is worth it since I couldn't network my way out of a paper bag to get the contacts she managed to get me through her travels, even if I do 100 percent of the long hour day work. Of course she would probaly coach me and use her savy to close deals.
Additionally, her networking and social skills have helped me in other areas of life. When I had a medical problem that had potential long term damage, she was able to locate through her network the best medical professional who was able to think at a much higher level then the average one (problem solved.)
Again, here is something to think about:
If you were an aspiring high level business person, how would you feel about a spouse who didn't contribute by working full time in the traditional sense, nor was a traditional homemaker, but whose incidental networking via her lifestyle of leisure increased your income at least fourfold?
Thanks
Well, it sounds like she backs you up pretty well. Given that she's got your back, you might want to get over your idea that supporting her is what makes you manly and view your relationship more as an equal partnership. Plus, seems like she could do plenty on her own if she wanted to.
Seriously, if you need to get your caveman grunts from somewhere, take up welding or carpentry as a hobby. I think it would be bad to get yourself too enchanted with the idea that this woman is dependent upon you. I have a feeling that if you couldn't work for some reason, she'd have no trouble going out and getting a job to support YOU.
I feel like the issue is that this arrangement makes you feel manly but makes your friends think of you as a chump. Their opinion doesn't matter in the least -- unless you think they're right.
She IS contributing! A big time!! She is trying to make your dreams come true, she feeds your ego, she helps at much higher levels than an average wife would ever try. She negotiate your money, help with your job, try to make you wealthy - in a bit unconventional way, but nevertheless her efforts are extraordinary. She has brain and guts and know how to use it.
Are you feeling a bit overwhelmed? A bit jealous? Appraising your self worth? Is she doing not enough for you?
So, where is the problem?
Would you like instead that she get a "job" and stop doing what she is doing, but bring the "bacon"?
Guys .....
Well, it sounds like she backs you up pretty well. Given that she's got your back, you might want to get over your idea that supporting her is what makes you manly and view your relationship more as an equal partnership. Plus, seems like she could do plenty on her own if she wanted to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aragx6
I feel like the issue is that this arrangement makes you feel manly but makes your friends think of you as a chump. Their opinion doesn't matter in the least -- unless you think they're right.
Yes, I agree with both these statements. Thank you for explaining more about your wife. If this arrangement works for you, and you feel respected and cared for, then great!
<<<What does she do for you? I did not see any references to how she improves your life, other than to allow you to pay for her hobbies and travel. Does she cook for you? Make you breakfast and pack your lunch? Does she handle all the household bills and take your car in to be serviced? Do you come home to a tidy house with a full refrigerator and a closet full of clean clothes? I hope you aren't living on take-out and frozen dinners while your wife is out living her carefree and exciting lifestyle.
Couples make it work by contributing to the marriage and helping to benefit the other person, as well as the family unit. If it's all one-sided, the giver ends up resenting the taker, or the giver doesn't realize the dysfunction for whatever reason. It sounds like you are already realizing this. For instance, why did you ask what other stay-at-home spouses have as hobbies? Don't you know what your wife does all day? Or are you displeased with how she manages her time?>>>
Well, besides making great meals when she is home to cook, she has some unusual qualities:
1. In a side venture that netted me much money many years ago, she had the savy as to how to do the deal and called some of the shots.
2. For some reason, she has the futs to make decisions and deal firmly with people in a way that I don't. For instance, she picked out the house and was much better at negotiating down the price and the deal then I would ever be.
3. She is a worldclass networker in the following ways:
A. My current steady source of income, which is a contracting gig, she actually arranged it (I applaud her for ferreting out this nice low six figure opportunity). She knew of the people and patiently knew when to actually push to arrange it.
B. A part of me dreams, despite a part of me feeling that I should just be a career employee or contractor, of creating a large scale multimiillion dollar business. We are far from multimillionaires now, but she believes in my dream and pushes me to do it. Besides offering some great coaching she has the following magical ability:
Every trip she takes and for half of the arts and activism projects that she is involved in, she always comes back mysteriously with a new contact or lead for my dream venture. Some leads don't pan out, but one person that she met in Southeast Asia is close to being one of the main investors.
She also assists in decison making and helps me overcome some of my weaknesses.
Additionally, she is a much more dynamic, talented, outspoken, and interesting individual then me and is the star when dinner parties are hosted.
On some level it might be a fair bargain:
1. I get to live through some of her adventures and get a more interesting mate then I otherwise would have gotten.
2. In terms of earning money, her contribution involves less hours and is indirect but essential: While I do the actual work for the low six figure opportunity she found me, she was able to find it while I couldn't network my way out of a paper bag.
For the entrepreneurial venture, even though it is mostly my idea and business analysis, if I do create the million dollar business I dream of her contribution is worth it since I couldn't network my way out of a paper bag to get the contacts she managed to get me through her travels, even if I do 100 percent of the long hour day work. Of course she would probaly coach me and use her savy to close deals.
Additionally, her networking and social skills have helped me in other areas of life. When I had a medical problem that had potential long term damage, she was able to locate through her network the best medical professional who was able to think at a much higher level then the average one (problem solved.)
Again, here is something to think about:
If you were an aspiring high level business person, how would you feel about a spouse who didn't contribute by working full time in the traditional sense, nor was a traditional homemaker, but whose incidental networking via her lifestyle of leisure increased your income at least fourfold?
Thanks
According to this post, you are a very lucky man.
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People still accept the role of the wife as a "homemaker" as being acceptable. What if the wife worked, so the guy could pursue interests all day?
