[I was hanging out at the Black Stallion with my friends Lebron, Kobe, Jr. and Jeff. We were drinking beers and doing all the other things men do. Out of nowhere we start having this conversation.]
LEBRON: Look at that chick over there.
[I look and see a blond haired chick with boobs so big that they are disproportionate. They also look like obvious implants. She also has a big ass. Again, she looks disproportionate. Her face is extremely made up. Almost like a caricature or something.]
LEBRON: A real woman. You’d have to be a REAL man to be able to get you some of that.
[I’m obviously not impressed. It’s also worth noting that when Lebron gets drunk, he gets turned on by the strangest things. He’s had about 6 beers… or 7, I don’t keep track.]
LEBRON: You’re trying to tell me you wouldn’t hit that?!
T.JENKINS: She’s obviously manufactured, and she looks like a clown.
LEBRON: Now, how are you gonna say something like that?
T.JENKINS: I’m just sayin’. I’ve seen better. At the same time, I’ve seen worse.
LEBRON: [shakes his head] You're hopeless. What is it? She a woman? That’s why you ain’t into her?
T.JENKINS: You can question my preferences… Oh wait up, who was it last Friday that went home with that tranny. What was his name? Jimmy!
LEBRON: She said her name was Jamie, and I did not know she was a tranny.
T.JENKINS: She said Jimmy, loud and clear. And you can’t tell me that you didn’t know he was a tranny, he was rocking a goatee down to his hips.
LEBRON: That was a necklace. She said Jamie. Your problem is that you mad because she wanted me. To soothe your pain, you try to spin things to your advantage. Her name is Jamie.
[Kobe, Jr, and Jeff join in the conversation]
KOBE: Yo, she / he said her name is Jimmy.
JR: I heard Jimmy, too.
JEFF: You’re the only one who insisted on calling her Jamie. She almost decked you in the mouth for that.
LEBRON: See all of you are just jealous.
T.JENKINS: Doesn’t change the fact that you came running back for us crying about that defining part you discovered from “Jamie.”
LEBRON: Could have been a strap on.
T.JENKINS: AWWWW!!!! See, you done had too much. You know that point? Where all reasonable perception goes out the window, you are way past the point. You go home to her and then you whine to us about how you ended up in bed with the Joker’s wife.
LEBRON: Well at least I’m getting some. What are you getting? You know, in all of 5 years that I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you with a chick. I’ve never seen you approach any woman. You know your problem? You have no manhood. You are not a man!
T.JENKINS: Don’t give me that. I am a man. I have approached women. I’m sure you were there that one time.
KOBE: I sure as hell never seen you approach a woman.
JR: Me either.
JEFF: There was that one time… No never mind, I was dreaming.
T.JENKINS: Whatever! But I have talked to women before.
LEBRON: And they’ve all approached you. How do you know that they were women?
T.JENKINS: I guess I just know.
LEBRON: NO YOU DON’T KNOW. “I guess I just know.” What MAN says that?! You know, you talk like a woman sometimes.
T.JENKINS: Look, I can easily tell who is a real woman and who is a tranny.
JR: You couldn’t tell when watching that one talk show episode on trannies. You were way off.
T.JENKINS: Whatever.
LEBRON: This is how you work. You sit around waiting for women to initiate. What woman initiates? What man allows himself to get initiated? You are not a man. You’ve probably been talking to trannies this whole time.
T.JENKINS: Look, YOU personally were there, remember that one day when we were approaching ladies. I was approaching as well. What about that one lady you showed me in the silver dress with dark brown hair.
LEBRON: She approached YOU.
T.JENKINS: I couldn’t help that. I was getting ready to approach. When I turned back around from talking to you suddenly I was face to…boob.
[dissolve to a scene exactly as T.Jenkins described it]
LEBRON: That was a FAIL.
T.JENKINS: Fine, but you have to give me the one when I walked over to a table where that ladie was sitting.
LEBRON: She was gone and she walked up on you. FAIL.
T.JENKINS: COME ON!!! I thought she was there. I didn’t realize until I got there that that was a blow up doll!
[Show scene of T.Jenkins walking up on a blow up doll and then seeing a lady approach him with two drinks]
LEBRON: FAIL!!!! and what kind of woman has a blow up doll anyway ?! o_O
T.JENKINS: Okay, what about a couple of weeks ago when I was at that table getting all painted up. I DID APPROACH.
LEBRON: I did not see you approach them, but then again I came late to the party. For all I know they approached you… and made you their *****. You were rocking that lip gloss. MY POINT STANDS. WHAT MAN WEARS LIP GLOSS?!
[Everyone laughs at T.Jenkins]
JEFF: My girl is giving away some panties you might want to check it out see if there is anything you want to try on.
T.JENKINS: You want to try on that window?
JEFF: Easy.
LEBRON: All this time past and you ain’t had one girl.
T.JENKINS: How do you know I have no one. I’ve had opportunities.
LEBRON: AND YOU NEVER TAKE THEM!!! That’s your problem. You’ve lost out on Lacy, Shawanda, Chante. Oh, and that one chick you told me about, Katrina. She was as good as they get. How'd you let
her go?
[Suddenly, my mind gets stuck on her. I’m quiet, and I get up to go outside. I need the space to think. Lebron joins me after a minute or so.]
LEBRON: Hey T. Look. We’re cool. We friends. We family. We give each other ****, because that’s what we do. I don’t mean to offend or hurt you.
T.JENKINS: no, you said nothing that offended me. I just remembered something.
LEBRON: What is it?
T.JENKINS: Oh, nothing. It’s amazing how fast this year has gone. It’s already going on September.
LEBRON: Cool weather is coming.
T.JENKINS: Yeah, followed by freezing.
[This is a day in my life. This is pretty much my family. We bust each other’s balls, but we have each other’s backs. We live crazy lives too. You are probably wondering who Katrina is. You will more likely than not find out.]
(Posts and Runs for cover)
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