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So I have been seeing someone since January and we made it official in the beginning of March. It's been going great and I really like this woman a lot. However two concerning things for me is that she is bi-polar and also has depression. When she is in her moods she tends to give short responses or doesn't want to talk, and can also be very cruel and say nasty things. I know that it's not actually her saying these things it's the depression and her bi-polarness, but it's becoming difficult for me to know what to really do.
For example, this past week and half she has slipped into another depression spell and I have been there for her and have supported her. She has even told me that I'm very helpful during these times and I'm not pushy which she appreciates. Yesterday she was really depressed and told me she isn't happy in life. I continued to talk to her through text and she began to give me one - two word responses. I let her know she wasn't alone and I was there for her and we texted a bit more. Finally I decided to give her a break as I was concerned I was being pushy. I ran some errands, went to the gym, came home and showered and watched a show. I texted her to check in on her when I was making dinner and that's when all hell broke loose.
She told me I was full of **** and that I didn't care about her because I went a few hours of texting her. She said she needed me to be there to keep texting so she wasn't alone. I apologized and said I didn't want to be pushy and I didn't want her to feel like she had to talk to me if she wasn't in the mood. That made it worse. She told me she should have known I was full of **** and that she doesn't care about me anymore because I "obviously don't care about her."
I tried to talk to her but she told me to leave her alone so I did. This morning I sent her a text saying good morning that I was checking in to see how she was feeling and that I care about her and her well being, and to please reach out when she is ready to talk. It's been over three hours now and still no response. At this point I'm lost and I don't really know what to do.
You're not doing anything wrong, but your girlfriend needs to cope better with her mental health issues. Her brain chemistry isn't her fault, but it is her responsibility, and lashing out at you for trying to set boundaries isn't helpful. Is she seeing a therapist?
And, you've been seeing her for what, four months? You should be in the honeymoon phase. If this is how it is now, it's probably not going to get better.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 04-18-2021 at 10:55 AM..
Is she on medication? If not, she should be, and if she is, it may need adjusting. I wonder how she’s managed to this point, what kind of family support she has.
I don’t think you were wrong. It’s not any easy situation, but there isn’t anything healthy about becoming a crutch for a person struggling with these types of issues. There needs to be a balance and you’re not going to get that. Her illnesses are not your responsibility to manage or drop everything to revolve your life around.
Run dude. It’s not worth it with her. I was in a similar situation with someone with extreme OCD and anxiety......breaking up did wonders for me. I was like you though I really liked her and tried to accept her and help her. Bit eventually I knew it just wasn’t going to work.
There is no question in my mind I wouldn’t put up with even 5% of that nonsense. But I’m perfectly happy living my life alone if need be and pursuing excellence in my career, finances, and world travel.
Some people are afraid of living alone and will put up with quite a bit of abuse. Nothing wrong with that, and if that’s how you want to live, you should do that.
I think the odds of this working out for you are extremely slim, but you never know, you might get lucky.
Is she on medication? If not, she should be, and if she is, it may need adjusting. I wonder how she’s managed to this point, what kind of family support she has.
I don’t think you were wrong. It’s not any easy situation, but there isn’t anything healthy about becoming a crutch for a person struggling with these types of issues. There needs to be a balance and you’re not going to get that. Her illnesses are not your responsibility to manage or drop everything to revolve your life around.
Yes she is on meds and her mother is her best friend. She's currently out spending the day with her and is posting pics on FB. Her family loves and supports and so do her friends. I thought I was doing the right thing and I guess I wasn't so I'm just confused now.
You're not doing anything wrong, but your girlfriend needs to cope better with her mental health issues. Her brain chemistry isn't her fault, but it is her responsibility, and lashing out at you for trying to set boundaries isn't helpful. Is she seeing a therapist?
And, you've been seeing her for what, four months? You should be in the honeymoon phase. If this is how it is now, it's probably not going to get better.
She doesn't see a therapist and I really think it could do her some good. But it's way too early in the relationship for me to say something like that. And I have been loving and enjoying this so far but this depression spell of hers is really dragging me down.
There is no question in my mind I wouldn’t put up with even 5% of that nonsense. But I’m perfectly happy living my life alone if need be and pursuing excellence in my career, finances, and world travel.
Some people are afraid of living alone and will put up with quite a bit of abuse. Nothing wrong with that, and if that’s how you want to live, you should do that.
I think the odds of this working out for you are extremely slim, but you never know, you might get lucky.
If it's going to continue to be this way then I want no parts of it. I'm going to continue to try but I know myself and I know there is only so much I can put up with.
You can be supportive but you are NOT her "cure". She needs to be on medication if she is truly bipolar (an actual diagnosis from a psychiatrist) and some talk therapy may help her other issues. Because she's not JUST bipolar - she has issues, at the minimum, in making outbursts at supportive people who can't be at her beck and call 24/7.
Tell her to get back to her psychiatrist, and back on her meds (or to talk to her doc about adjusting them). Then you back off for a few weeks and let her get her ish together. It is NOT your job to fix her - repeat that to yourself often and remember how she's treated you when you took a couple hours for yourself.
She doesn't see a therapist and I really think it could do her some good. But it's way too early in the relationship for me to say something like that. And I have been loving and enjoying this so far but this depression spell of hers is really dragging me down.
Perhaps you are confused about what "bipolar" means. It means getting revved up (manic) and depressed (depression) and cycling between the two, usually with one extreme predominating. Her depression is likely part of the bipolar and medication for mood stabilization should help both extremes to moderate. I am confused why OP would say the woman has bipolar and also depression. Some people think of "bipolar" as meaning any moods or emotional lability.
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