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First of all, I am not completely new here to citi-data forums. I made a new account today to post this very personal post as anonymously as possible.
I have been married over 14 years. Today, I feel like I should have never married my husband.
Shortly before our wedding, he and a friend went out to a strip club and he purchased over 10 lap dances. (He did not tell me this, I found receipt in his pants pocket, and so he confessed to this.) Later than same night he called me from his friend's house, smashed, and I hear female voices in the background. To this day he denies there were any girls at the house that night. I know he is lying. This all really upsets me but we were so close to the wedding. I just decided to "let it go" as one final last fling for him.
Throughout the years there have been other "smaller issues." He would go out to bars with guys after work where there was "female mud wrestling." I don't even know what female mud wrestling is exactly. Again, he never told me that this was the entertainment at the bar. He left evidence again in his pants pockets (a flyer announcing the entertainment on certain nights, the only nights he and his buddies would go). When I brought it up to him, he didn't think there was anything wrong with it and kept going each week with his buddies. Eventually we went to counseling and he came to understand that going to such establishments was not appropriate for our marriage, it was not behavior I would accept.
So moving along -- over the years, from time to time, I've found that he has bought xxx rated movies from cable (back before the internet) when he is home alone. He wasn't really hiding that from me as of course it shows up on the statement. It bothers me and he knows it. This overall wasn't that big of deal to me as it happened infrequently.
Lately, within the past year...I've noticed some strange things. I found his web search history and he had been googling and watching some very very hard core porn. Some even images of potentially underage girls (we have children, all daughters). This was very disturbing to me and I let him know I discovered it.
Also, over the past 4 months...he had been googling subjects such as "penis enlargement exercises" and one day he came home with the smell of sex on his hands. I never said anything to him about it. He also always has cash in his wallet $25 to $100 worth but I do not know where the cash comes from - it is not coming out of our joint bank account. I've asked about the cash money, and he says that his trades give him "kick backs" in cash. That could be true. He works in a job where he manages many independent contractors.
Then I was out of town for 10 days last month with my daughters in July for a vacation. He was invited to come with us but he didnt' want to come with us -- he was too busy at work. (and yes he was very busy with many deadlines). I suggested he come just for a weekend, he was too busy to do that too. When I got back home, I learned how to check his web history to find he has been on "adult dating websights" (web cam sex). Not only that but the ladies he was looking at are local, within a 20 mile radius of where we live!! I told him I considered this to be cheating. He said he was really really sorry and would not do it anymore. He said that he promises nothing was ever "consummated" with these web sites. His exact word.
I've really had enough. He says he has never been "physically unfaithful" to me. Then I asked him specifically and pointedly, "if you had been unfaithful to me, would you come clean and tell me?". He said "yes, I would" but he also distinctly looked up and to the right (sign of deception-as if he was actually recalling a particular act of unfaithfulness as he responded!).
Of course, all of this is just the things I know about because i have caught him.
So what do I do? As a Christian I do not believe in divorce except for adultery. Is what he doing adultery?
I care about him. I think he is ill. He had a poor upbringing...raised in a wealthy home, but was abused watch mom be abused, alcoholic father etc etc.
Right now I am about 70% wanting a divorce and 30% wanting to go see a counselor and try to start the whole relationship over. Right now I feel like I still choose to love him, but I do not really like him, do not respect him at this time, and do not think I could ever fully trust him ever ever again. We've been drifting apart so much. He does work 6 days a week and comes home and spends a couple of hours on his computer and then goes to sleep. We've hardly talked in the past year. He does very minimal with us as a family...only the big things "expected" for him to attend like the children's recitals and a one week family vacation each year. I think he is depressed.
Oh, and before you blame me or accuse me of being frigid....we have lots of sex and the sex is very good. We have sex 2 to 3 times a week and I often orgasm and so does he. I give him blow jobs regularly...etc (even though of course I don't really like doing that I do it for him.) Oh, there have been times we he has come to bed suddently with a new technique that is really effective. I wonder at those times if he has been cheating or maybe just reading Men's Health magazines??
I cook for him, keep the housework up etc. He sometimes helps with housework etc too so he's not a complete slob.
At this point, I don't know why I married him in the first place. Honestly, I think I married him just because I was wanting to get married at that time and so was he. Growing up Christian it seemed the thing to do in our late 20s. I can say that I have grown to love him over the years -- the love I have for him is a choice though. There has never been a real "spark" that I have felt between us. Even though we have good sex, there is never a real "spark" between us in my opinion. That is hard to explain what I mean.
Am I fooling myself to give this man more years of my life? I am in my early 40s.
As a Christian do I keep forgiving him....or should I be free to be released from this marriage and seek divorce? I often think I would rather be a single mother than live with all this distrust.
Yes I am going to see a counselor - a Christian counselor next week with my husband. I'm also consulting a divorce attorney because I want to know my options. (He knows I'm consulting an attorney to know my options and just looks kind of sad when I say that and he says I love you and want to work this out, do you?)
So I'm not making a decision off the advice of citi-data forum, lol, but I just kinda want to know what some of you all think.
Basically, I am not an unhappy woman. I am a professional, I have a good paying part time job that pays full time income. I love my children. I really love my life except for the fact that I don't know if I like my marriage. I'm happier and less stressed when my husband is at work or away from the house anyway.
I didn't mean for this to be so long...but after all it has been over 14 years.
Story of my mothers life. My advice...divorce him... Not only for your sanity but for the kids sake. I am very much a Christian and have strong values...and again I suggest divorce.
My mother is still with my father to this day and is practically stuck now. At age 64 she is paying the cost in a heart wrenching exponential fashion.
Oh and my father is 64 too, 7 years ago I found out I have a step sister (7 yrs old) whom I have yet to meet, that my father fathered while married to my mom after about 20 years of marriage. My mothers "tolerance" and Christian "beliefs" in marriage has had a profound affect on all of her children. Even when they don't quite understand, kids can "feel" the tension.
It appears as if this man has had no respect for you since day one of the marriage....and it's only gotten worse.
I may be wrong and maybe some more experienced ladies and/or fellas can chime in, but it seems a little too late for counseling to salvage this relationship.
Honestly reading this you sound like your mind is already made up. You sound like things are never going to be the same between you again; Like the trust is broken. I guess you just have to consider whether you are truly done, or if 14 years together is worth giving it another shot. I hope he takes the fact that you are contacting lawyers seriously. Maybe this is the wake up call that he needs and he will take the counseling seriously this time. I doubt though.
my only opinion.. and im not going to tell you how to choose this mind you. You have daughters and i hate to see a family fall apart. But if he really wants to change his ways, he will do so. whether it be fast and immediate (which sometimes doesn't tend to last forever or for a long while should i state) or little by little (which usually tends to work out better). If he knows what is good for him, he will see whats happening before his very eyes and realize he has to change. Maybe he does realize he has to change, but doesn't feel the support or doesn't believe he has much of a problem. If he wants to fix his... for lack of a better term... commitment issues/sex addiction problem, he will seek counseling himself and he, himself should have the will power to do that. Unfortunately, that is all the advice i can give you. The only reason i have this advice is because i have seen a good friend of mine's family going through the exact same thing as you are, but with different circumstances and issues.
Lap dances, female mud wrestling, porn ... meh. And I'm a woman. Unless you can come up with proof that he's cheating on you (or actually looking at bona fide child pornography), what you've got is just two very different sets of values. You would probably be happier apart. I don't think Jesus wants your kids to be miserable or think this represents a healthy marriage. So go ahead and divorce him - irreconcilable differences, I believe they call it.
Yes I think it is over. After looking at the hard core stuff he was looking at....at this point I don't think I even want to have sex with him again - ever. If those are the images he need, desires, or wants to conjure up -- it is perverted and disgusting to me. Just going to the counselor really, to talk and see if there is any last thread of hope. He will talk when at the counselors (we've been to one before)...I just don't know if I can believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He will make himself sound like the poor victim and try to get my sympathy...."I'm just really stressed,hating work,...I was in a car accident last year and think I have PTSD,(...seriously???) etc etc etc." He knows I have a kind and forgiving heart and takes advantage of it. You know if it was just Playboy or "pretty porn" I would have been ok. It was the hard core really really really hard core stuff along with the "live web sex chats" with local women I think was the last draw for me.
I do want to keep the family together for the daughters. That is the only reason right now.
I do appreciate the responses - yes "irreconcilable differences" I think that pretty much nails the situation.
If he's willing to go to counseling I say give it a chance. Explore all options, but give this marriage every chance you can to make it work, that way you can walk away knowing you did all you can within your control.
First of all, I am not completely new here to citi-data forums. I made a new account today to post this very personal post as anonymously as possible.
I have been married over 14 years. Today, I feel like I should have never married my husband.
Shortly before our wedding, he and a friend went out to a strip club and he purchased over 10 lap dances. (He did not tell me this, I found receipt in his pants pocket, and so he confessed to this.) Later than same night he called me from his friend's house, smashed, and I hear female voices in the background. To this day he denies there were any girls at the house that night. I know he is lying. This all really upsets me but we were so close to the wedding. I just decided to "let it go" as one final last fling for him.
Throughout the years there have been other "smaller issues." He would go out to bars with guys after work where there was "female mud wrestling." I don't even know what female mud wrestling is exactly. Again, he never told me that this was the entertainment at the bar. He left evidence again in his pants pockets (a flyer announcing the entertainment on certain nights, the only nights he and his buddies would go). When I brought it up to him, he didn't think there was anything wrong with it and kept going each week with his buddies. Eventually we went to counseling and he came to understand that going to such establishments was not appropriate for our marriage, it was not behavior I would accept.
So moving along -- over the years, from time to time, I've found that he has bought xxx rated movies from cable (back before the internet) when he is home alone. He wasn't really hiding that from me as of course it shows up on the statement. It bothers me and he knows it. This overall wasn't that big of deal to me as it happened infrequently.
Lately, within the past year...I've noticed some strange things. I found his web search history and he had been googling and watching some very very hard core porn. Some even images of potentially underage girls (we have children, all daughters). This was very disturbing to me and I let him know I discovered it.
Also, over the past 4 months...he had been googling subjects such as "penis enlargement exercises" and one day he came home with the smell of sex on his hands. I never said anything to him about it. He also always has cash in his wallet $25 to $100 worth but I do not know where the cash comes from - it is not coming out of our joint bank account. I've asked about the cash money, and he says that his trades give him "kick backs" in cash. That could be true. He works in a job where he manages many independent contractors.
Then I was out of town for 10 days last month with my daughters in July for a vacation. He was invited to come with us but he didnt' want to come with us -- he was too busy at work. (and yes he was very busy with many deadlines). I suggested he come just for a weekend, he was too busy to do that too. When I got back home, I learned how to check his web history to find he has been on "adult dating websights" (web cam sex). Not only that but the ladies he was looking at are local, within a 20 mile radius of where we live!! I told him I considered this to be cheating. He said he was really really sorry and would not do it anymore. He said that he promises nothing was ever "consummated" with these web sites. His exact word.
I've really had enough. He says he has never been "physically unfaithful" to me. Then I asked him specifically and pointedly, "if you had been unfaithful to me, would you come clean and tell me?". He said "yes, I would" but he also distinctly looked up and to the right (sign of deception-as if he was actually recalling a particular act of unfaithfulness as he responded!).
Of course, all of this is just the things I know about because i have caught him.
So what do I do? As a Christian I do not believe in divorce except for adultery. Is what he doing adultery?
I care about him. I think he is ill. He had a poor upbringing...raised in a wealthy home, but was abused watch mom be abused, alcoholic father etc etc.
Right now I am about 70% wanting a divorce and 30% wanting to go see a counselor and try to start the whole relationship over. Right now I feel like I still choose to love him, but I do not really like him, do not respect him at this time, and do not think I could ever fully trust him ever ever again. We've been drifting apart so much. He does work 6 days a week and comes home and spends a couple of hours on his computer and then goes to sleep. We've hardly talked in the past year. He does very minimal with us as a family...only the big things "expected" for him to attend like the children's recitals and a one week family vacation each year. I think he is depressed.
Oh, and before you blame me or accuse me of being frigid....we have lots of sex and the sex is very good. We have sex 2 to 3 times a week and I often orgasm and so does he. I give him blow jobs regularly...etc (even though of course I don't really like doing that I do it for him.) Oh, there have been times we he has come to bed suddently with a new technique that is really effective. I wonder at those times if he has been cheating or maybe just reading Men's Health magazines??
I cook for him, keep the housework up etc. He sometimes helps with housework etc too so he's not a complete slob.
At this point, I don't know why I married him in the first place. Honestly, I think I married him just because I was wanting to get married at that time and so was he. Growing up Christian it seemed the thing to do in our late 20s. I can say that I have grown to love him over the years -- the love I have for him is a choice though. There has never been a real "spark" that I have felt between us. Even though we have good sex, there is never a real "spark" between us in my opinion. That is hard to explain what I mean.
Am I fooling myself to give this man more years of my life? I am in my early 40s.
As a Christian do I keep forgiving him....or should I be free to be released from this marriage and seek divorce? I often think I would rather be a single mother than live with all this distrust.
Yes I am going to see a counselor - a Christian counselor next week with my husband. I'm also consulting a divorce attorney because I want to know my options. (He knows I'm consulting an attorney to know my options and just looks kind of sad when I say that and he says I love you and want to work this out, do you?)
So I'm not making a decision off the advice of citi-data forum, lol, but I just kinda want to know what some of you all think.
Basically, I am not an unhappy woman. I am a professional, I have a good paying part time job that pays full time income. I love my children. I really love my life except for the fact that I don't know if I like my marriage. I'm happier and less stressed when my husband is at work or away from the house anyway.
I didn't mean for this to be so long...but after all it has been over 14 years.
Any opinions to share?
Bottom line....
Once the respect is gone the partnership and intimacy of marriage is over.
You have some hard choices to make.
You say you are not "unhappy", but you are not very happy either.
Don't think for a second your kids aren't watching and learning from all you do and put up with.
Seeing a counselor is a great first step for helping you identify and process all your feelings. In the end though, you must follow your gut instincts on this.
There are two sides to every story. Suggesting a divorce is usually the last bit of advice I give a couple who are having trouble, but to be honest with you, I couldn't possibly live with someone like you and I would not stay married to someone like you. You are doing the same thing my former wife of twenty years did. She made mountains out of mole hills until she couldn't stand it, then would confront me with accusations of things that were way out of proportion to what really happened. Her jealousy always made her assume the very worst. If you could control his every move would you feel better. Maybe he did somethings he shouldn't have done, but beating him over the head for 14 years because of them doesn't make it any better, does it? I would be willing to bet if he were a perfect angel you would find fault with his actions somewhere along the line, if not you would search through his pants pockets, or check his internet history to make certain you had caught him. You say you are not an unhappy woman, yet you sound like you are. Why would you see a marriage counselor and a divorce attorney at the same time if you really intend to work on saving your marriage? You say you have grown to love him, that means to me that you married him not because you loved him, but because of the security he could offer you. Maybe if you would have been a loving wife during those 14 years of marriage, you would have had a far different husband. I may sound very harsh to you, but I think you need to look beyond him and see your own faults...
Last edited by Nite Ryder; 09-05-2012 at 10:57 PM..
Lap dances, female mud wrestling, porn ... meh. And I'm a woman. Unless you can come up with proof that he's cheating on you (or actually looking at bona fide child pornography), what you've got is just two very different sets of values. You would probably be happier apart. I don't think Jesus wants your kids to be miserable or think this represents a healthy marriage. So go ahead and divorce him - irreconcilable differences, I believe they call it.
No. I disagree. It's not "meh", a lot of marriages suffer and end with that. To just say it's "meh" is boring and flavorless. One of my cousins said the same of large age differences and I think what you said applies but it is a big deal to some people.
Parts of this story mirror my family's own. Circumstances were never good to begin with. He seems ungrateful but he's also very busy and he may very well be one of those types that don't benefit or feel it is necessary to go to counseling.
You also seem unhappy about it from the way you write, the length of the issues, and the fact that you kept mentioning you were bothered by his erratic behavior. In and out, in and out.
Have you two seen a psychologist?
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