Does Anyone NOT Live Together Before Marriage Anymore? (dating, Christian, wife)

[canudigit]

My son and his fiancee' just recently got engaged. They are high school sweethearts and have been dating exclusively for four years. They treat each other with much love and respect, and are very aware that marriage is a lifetime commitment.

It seems that whenever I tell someone (people I work with, the girl who cut my hair today, etc.) about their engagement, the discussion turns to whether or not they live together. They do not, they never have, and they won't. I don't say it in a preachy or judgmental way, I just simply answer that they are not living together when asked. The response I get more often than not, especially from people under 30, is something like, "Wow! I would NEVER get married without living with the person first! My best friend is on her second kid and she isn't even talking about marriage. That's a huge step to take without living together first!"

Okay, honestly, I am saddened and disheartened by this response, especially considering how long a lot of these young people's relationships last. If living together is the thing to do, then why is it that when no one lived together before marriage, marriages lasted a lifetime, and now that people shack up left and right the divorce rate has skyrocketed? Why is it considered a huge, scary thing to get married, yet having a baby with someone is treated like going out for ice cream? A baby ties two people together for the lifetime of their child, so isn't that at least as big of a commitment as marriage?

I'm very proud of my son and his fiancee's commitment to not living together before marriage, but is this becoming a dying thing? Please tell me it's not. How sad....

[Yellow Jacket]

Are you a Christian?

[Checkered24]

Some people continue to not live together before marriage, but I would say it is becoming increasingly rare. Most people would consider the opportunity to live together before getting married to be a good test of their relationship to indicate whether they will continue to get along and grow their relationship when they get to know themselves better through the intimacy (non romanitc) of living and managing their lives together under one roof.

That said, my wife and I did not officially live together before we married. However, we were not exactly living completely independent either, as I more often than not was staying at her place. I had not officially moved in, as she planned to move into my house. However, until we moved things, I basically was there. (and there were a variety of reasons for it, not worth getting into here)

[2004Luvr]

Generally it does not make any difference,it will not determine whether their marriage will succeed in the future or not.I also do not understant this need for people to live together,I see no reason to live with a girl I am dating.I do feel they should live together when engaged,and soon to be married.But again it not strange.However I do not understand people who move in together as soon as they start dating.


It is not a big deal.

[ChessieMom]

I would not choose to live together first, IF I were planning to marry. However, I would never plan to marry without knowing that person inside and out...for years. No one knows someone after a few months or even a year...you have to spend an enormous amount of time together. Living together would do that, but I would not choose that route. As far as kids...yes - personally I think that is the ultimate commitment...at least as big a deal as getting married, if not more so.

[Adhom]

I don't think the rise of the divorce rate has anything to do with whether people are living together before marriage or not. Divorce has just become a lot more acceptable with little or no stigma tied to the people getting divorced. I know plenty of people of my parents' generation who didn't get divorced because it wasn't acceptable but they aren't any happier in their marriage because of it.

[Angelcake4]

I never lived with any man before I married (at age 28). I dated quite a bit and had three long-term relationships. Don't get me wrong, no one was opposed to staying at the other person's place for the weekend, going on vacations together.

All I can say is that compromising with a person in a cohabiting situation is very difficult and requires commitment, whether there is a piece of paper or not.

I am so grateful that my single years were truly 'single' and that I did not further complicate relationships and my life by living with someone. (I would not have been as mobile and wouldn't have been able to take the opportunities available to me.)

I don't oppose living together on a moral basis. You're only young once. Being single is a beautiful time in one's life that often doesn't repeat itself. And if it does, it's never the same as when you're young. I say take each phase of life for what it is and don't muddle it with responsibility before it's time.

[katestar]

I think what is happening is that people are generally getting married at an older age than before. What was common before 20-22? Now I see it happening around 28 - based on my HS class that is on FB...most of them got married between 27 and 28. So, I can see not living with a partner by age 22, but by age 28, so many things have happened. You went to college, you had roommates, you got sick of roommates, you started spending all your time at his place or he at yours, at some point it made sense to move in together, financially and otherwise. Also, at 28 you hopefully have a job and are not living with your parents and living with roommates gets really old after a while. Not everyone can afford an apartment on their own at that age. On top of this, weddings are super expensive these days, do you wait until you can afford it to move in together? And then, oops, the girl is pregnant, so here comes the child, further complicating the marriage situation.

I am a female and have never wanted to get married. At 30, I still don't. I have lived with my previous partner for 5 years and my current one for 3 years. I can't imagine having someone and not living with them. I want to come home to them, have dinner with them, wake up on the weekends with them and share our household. I'm at the point of my life where I have found the person I want to spend my life with, but I don't need to get married for any reason. I'm not religious and from what I see, marriage doesn't mean a lot to many people anymore. Yes it's all lovey dovey at first, but when real life kicks in, a lot of people aren't ready for it. If you read the statistics, they say most marriages end because of finances, the amount of debt we have these days is a first, people didn't go into such debt before. Between houses, cars, student loans and expensive vacations, it's easy to owe your entire paycheck to creditors, they layoffs happen or whatever else and people get stressed.

Just my opinion.

[Miss Crabcakes]

Originally Posted by canudigit

I'm very proud of my son and his fiancee's commitment to not living together before marriage, but is this becoming a dying thing? Please tell me it's not. How sad....

I wouldn't do it.

I also don't think that just because a couple stayed together for life does not necessarily mean they were happy with their marriage during the entire time. I know of plenty of older couples who stayed together who settled for sexless, loveless, platonic marriages for a variety of reasons. May work for some but not all. Staying together just for the sake of staying together does not spell happiness for me.

[Djuna]

I would never marry someone without living with them first. People can't hide their true selves when they wake up next to you every day and share the joys of combining lives.