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Very-beautifully spoken my dear friend lovesMountains; many thanks for sharing your thoughts and your wise counsel, and thank you for your encouraging words ((hugs))
Awwww...well, you know I wish you nothing but the best my friend
Can you describe in more detail how you went about doing this? What were the circumstances? How did you know this person's heart was hardened? What did you try and how can you be sure you had no effect?
Just for one example, with a person I was romantically interested in about 4-5 years ago and which had initially looked quite promising at first, I came to know after a while of talking to her that she had been seriously abused when she was much younger in her life. I think this had a negative impact in getting to know her more b/c she had a big problem with trusting guys, b/c of this issue. I tried being very nice and caring to her, to let her know that she was a very special person and to try earn her trust, but ultimately without any luck. Also after I had gotten to know her for a few months with some very encouraging progress, I also tried sending her one or 2 romantic song dedications that weren't too "over-the-top" or super-sugary. All of the above ultimately pushed her away though, in the end...to this day I can only speculate that in her case, the abuse she may have endured when she was younger caused her to not be able to trust guys with her heart, hence causing her heart to become hardened in that sense. So, no dice and it never turned into a relationship.
I have other examples that are not quite so stark and black-and-white in contrast. For instance, the ex-fiance of another girl that I was briefly romantically involved with about some recent years ago caused her to think that all guys would be like the ex-fiance and abandon her, leading her to project the behavior of the ex-fiance on other guys when she became unhappy or angry. No matter what I told her, it was impossible for me to successfully convince her that I wasn't like her ex-fiance. Things like that...
Sometimes what we may see as "hardning of the heart" is simply a matter of one person gets fed up with the behavior of the other..
One person get tired of being lied to, fed up with lazy habits, etc. and cuts off the relationship.
The other person refuses to think of the problem may be his own fault and thinks the first person has "hardened his heart."
It's difficult to forgive and forget, when one person simply does not want to be responsible for his/her own actions.
Sometimes what we may see as "hardning of the heart" is simply a matter of one person gets fed up with the behavior of the other..
One person get tired of being lied to, fed up with lazy habits, etc. and cuts off the relationship.
The other person refuses to think of the problem may be his own fault and thinks the first person has "hardened his heart."
It's difficult to forgive and forget, when one person simply does not want to be responsible for his/her own actions.
In reality not everyone is made to or even wants to fall in love with someone else. Nasty Vindictive people come to mind. People that think the world is out to get them come to mind, Crazy people, Players, Ultra insecure people.
The Social Construct that says there is someone for everyone is incorrect. I'm not against it but the reality is "Find Love where you can" unless you have so many options that this doesn't apply to you.
A thought I often pondered about: is it ever possible to "unharden" someone's heart, in terms of romantic purposes?
Basically, the question amounts to this -- we pretty much all start out when we are younger, so full of hope, so optimistic and starry-eyed and idealistic, about love and romance in general. You can oftentimes see this with young people who are falling in a real, genuine love relationship for the first time; love at this point can perhaps be thought of a fuzzy, warm- and light-hearted, exciting, forward-looking romantic journey. You can also get a sense of this romantic idealism in many popular love songs and love ballads. As some of us get older over time though, with enough bad breakups, romantic rejection, and unhappy experiences, the hearts of some people (not necessarily all though) can harden significantly. Sadness, anger, despair, hoplessness, abuse, and similar emotions and external actions can sometimes temper once much more hopeful or optimistic dreams of love and affection, from another.
Is is ever possible to "undo" the hardening of a heart, though? In my own experience, I have never been successful in that, whenever I tried that in the past. Has anyone ever had a different experience with it though...have you been able to successfully restore the softer, gentler-type feelings of love and hope in someone, that existed before that may have changed in them, and before their heart became harder?
Knight, you & I are once again pondering the same questions. It's Serendipity
I have also recently been wondering if a person can un-do the damage that's been done to them; say for instance if someone's been cheated on, can they learn to trust again? Or if they've been betrayed, can they really put their heart out there again?
Or does every breakup or negative experience do permanent damage?
I'm hoping that most people can heal themselves of the various heartbreaks; but realistically everyone has baggage. I can't say I've witnessed any of the people I know successfully move on after an affair- they broke up, but they definitely were much more weary of the next potential lovers.
Well, back in '07 I went on a roller coaster ride. I became separated and I was quite sure that I did not ever want to be involved with a man again. Then I let someone in. I was burned. I was sure after that, I was just going to be alone.
I went on dates, plenty of them, but truthfully, I wasn't feeling it. At that point, I am not sure if my heart was exactly hardened, per se, but I got to feeling that a relationship was not in the cards for me.
I don't know if that was very ok with me. I am the type of person that wants to love and be loved. I want that companionship. Well I found it, and it was all worth the wait.
I am actually feeling pretty bad today. He is gone right now, but soon to return. Cupcakes.
I saw a commercial that mentioned cupcakes and said that would be good. he asked if I wanted him to go get me some and I said no thank-you, I don't need them.
He told me when I didn't feel good it wasn't about what I need, it was about what I want. I have never had that in my life, and here he is...with cupcakes.
I have a hardened heart when it comes to relationships. I don't hate women but I find it hard to trust them because my life experiences at an early age, has taught me they always have some kind of hidden agenda.
A thought I often pondered about: is it ever possible to "unharden" someone's heart, in terms of romantic purposes?
Basically, the question amounts to this -- we pretty much all start out when we are younger, so full of hope, so optimistic and starry-eyed and idealistic, about love and romance in general. You can oftentimes see this with young people who are falling in a real, genuine love relationship for the first time; love at this point can perhaps be thought of a fuzzy, warm- and light-hearted, exciting, forward-looking romantic journey. You can also get a sense of this romantic idealism in many popular love songs and love ballads. As some of us get older over time though, with enough bad breakups, romantic rejection, and unhappy experiences, the hearts of some people (not necessarily all though) can harden significantly. Sadness, anger, despair, hoplessness, abuse, and similar emotions and external actions can sometimes temper once much more hopeful or optimistic dreams of love and affection, from another.
Is is ever possible to "undo" the hardening of a heart, though? In my own experience, I have never been successful in that, whenever I tried that in the past. Has anyone ever had a different experience with it though...have you been able to successfully restore the softer, gentler-type feelings of love and hope in someone, that existed before that may have changed in them, and before their heart became harder?
The bolded reminded me of 2 teenagers I saw a long time ago, who were making out in a packed bus I was in. They were in what I call the "young love" phase. They were making out with such wild abandon, ignoring the fact that the bus was packed. You could tell they'd never been heart broken before. Their movements were so free, so open, so genuine, the best kind of love.
To answer your question. I know it's possible to unharden one's heart because I did it. The secret is you have to want to do it.
I had one bad "relationship" that just devastated me. I'm talking wiped out my self esteem and faith in those with the xy chromosome. I was bitter, very bitter for a long time. I was also angry, felt used, heartbroken, inferior, all of that.
What helped me was confiding in someone I trusted, reading Journey from Abandonment to Healing and the passage of Time.
The thing is, you have to want to unharden your heart. The second part is that you have to allow yourself to feel those emotions. The reason why many people are hardened is because they don't want to feel the painful emotions that previous heartbreaks, rejections made them feel. They think they might go crazy with how overwhelming it is or look weak.
The ironic part is that not trying to feel those emotions makes them seem aloof, distant to others. It also prevents them from connecting deeply with others which is what they want the most. Journaling, talking to a trusted person (Therapist) and Crying helps. Also, realizing that most people like someone who shows some vulnerability.
Another thing is that you have to take the chance/risk to trust again which is the last thing such a person wants to do. They fear the pain I alluded to earlier and don't want to be hurt again. What they don't realize is that they are stronger now and have gained wisdom like lovesmountain said. They will never again experience the overwhelming pain that they did in their earlier period, to the extent that they previously did.
You get stronger.
Now, when I have heartbreaks, I recover a lot quickly than that bad time. I learnt a lot from my bad experience and I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel
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((hugs))
