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Old 09-22-2012, 09:08 PM
 
12 posts, read 16,230 times
Reputation: 18

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So we've been engaged since January. About a year after dating. She's 36 and I am 33. Her second marriage, my first. We live a county over connected by a bridge. Things have been stressed since then. She, after proposing, said she would not bother me for the wedding, as I need to save up. She's going to pay half. She started bothering me for the wedding a month later. I said within a year. I have surgery coming up and other medical issues which take first priority if you want me to still be here. She said okay, then started nagging again a month or so later. Then, her OBGYN said we need to start trying for a baby soon (I.E. couple months) or she might not get pregnant. Know she knew I was not keen on kids, and she said she'd be lucky to get one. She wants two. I told her, it may not be possible financially for two. She said one will not be enough. I said I do not know if it will be possible. She wants it within a year or two after the first one. She just continues to say she will not have only one, she wants two, and I give her the same answer. This was discussed before and I said I would meet in the middle for one. I can handle one financially. She said okay. Now she does not remember it.

Next, before we were engaged, she would stay over more often. She stayed over once in the last two months. She came over a few nights ago and I asked if she would stay over, she said no, I do not want to deal with the traffic (half hour drive to work). I then got very upset, and showed it. I say you've not stayed over more than once in two months (this is last week, we're now nine weeks), she said she'll make the adjustment of driving into work every day for a half hour once she moves in next year. I did not kiss or hug her goodnight and she left. We've texted twice, but that was it. Nothing since. I am not going to call, as I do not think I am wrong.

Sex, well, that was a couple times a week. Now, once a month, if I am lucky. Said the OBGYN said she has an imbalance of bacteria which is causing her pain and discomfort with sex. We've been dealing with this since Christmas 2011.

I saved up for a vacation for a few days, and surprised her, she was happy at first and also said she'd pay for half. She even brought the cash with her. I said, that is very nice, it will help a lot. The trip was 759.00 with airfare and hotel. She said she picked up lunch and dinner one day, so that is enough. While it was 160.00 for both, please keep in mind she picked the places, not me.

Here's the kicker, I do love the woman, and I love her family. In fact, both of our families get along very well, but I do not know what to do. I can tell you, I am in no mood to start a family right now... That's going to **** her off too. Her attitude is just very different from before. While I am direct and say exactly what's on my mind, I've done so since I met her. Nothing else has changed.

I just have no idea what to do. Just a few weeks ago she even promised to spend more time at my apt. Eventually, we will talk, and I am sure she will be good for a while, but my feelings are now unsure about us. How do I know she's not just waiting for the child and marriage? Or just the child? It just doesn't feel right anymore. I do not know how we got here. I do not want to hurt her, as she's a good person, but I am not in the marriage or baby making mood at this point. Months ago, when things were smoother, no problem, I was very keen on it. But, I take this very seriously a child, and now I am unsure on everything... She's NEVER acted like this.. If we are having issues now, what would be if and when she's pregnant? As for the second child? That ain't happening. We live in NJ, and it is a fortune to raise kids. Health insurance as well for an additional spouse and kid is nearly a grand a month. Her health insurance is horrible, I have to add them to mine...

I just do not know what to do..
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:19 PM
 
Location: In an indoor space
7,685 posts, read 6,176,073 times
Reputation: 5154
As harsh as this may sound the engagement should end and you go toward "better pastures", otherwise below is what will happen to said marriage if you go through with it.


Star Trek III - Destruction of the USS Enterprise - YouTube


If she's like this now, she's got you after the "I DO's".

It's like she has selective hearing now and is in it for herself.
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,116,307 times
Reputation: 22275
Marriage doesn't make problems magically disappear. If you can't work things out before the wedding - you aren't going to magically be able to do so after the wedding. Whether she was like this before you got engaged is irrelevant. This is what she is like now. Is she the person you want to spend everyday of the rest of your life with? If she's not - then there's your answer.
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:22 PM
 
Location: In an indoor space
7,685 posts, read 6,176,073 times
Reputation: 5154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdrop93 View Post
Marriage doesn't make problems magically disappear. If you can't work things out before the wedding - you aren't going to magically be able to do so after the wedding. Whether she was like this before you got engaged is irrelevant. This is what she is like now. Is she the person you want to spend everyday of the rest of your life with? If she's not - then there's your answer.
"YUUUP!"
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:23 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
61,428 posts, read 86,506,480 times
Reputation: 131274
I would say: you should be very happy that you are not married ... yet. I don't think it will work between two of you.
You have fundamental differences and she is pushing you to do what she wants.
Whatever her OBGYN said - did you witness it, or just heard about from her? From what you wrote I think she is manipulating you - she wants to get married NOW, she wants kids, not one but two ( or maybe more?) - watch out, she might get pregnant just to speed things up.
Whatever she is doing now is to have her way.
Do you want to deal with it when you get married? It might get worse...
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,116,307 times
Reputation: 22275
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
I would say: you are very happy that you are not married ... yet. I don't think it will work between two of you.
You have fundamental differences and she is pushing you to do what she wants.
Whatever her OBGYN said - did you witness it, or just heard about from her? From what you wrote I think she is manipulating you - she wants to get married NOW, she wants kids, not one but two ( or maybe more?) - watch out, she might get pregnant just to speed things up.
Whatever she is doing now is to have her way.
Do you want to deal with it when you get married? It might get worse...
Yeah - why exactly does she need to have a baby so soon?
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:27 PM
 
826 posts, read 1,890,935 times
Reputation: 1302
Doesn't sound good.
You guys don't seem to be on the same page regarding money and children. These are major stressors in a marriage. I second what the other poster said, end the engagement, at least until you are both on the same page.
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:29 PM
 
27,957 posts, read 39,682,605 times
Reputation: 26197
Marriage won't fix the issues, in fact it will become more of a problem.
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:29 PM
 
Location: In an indoor space
7,685 posts, read 6,176,073 times
Reputation: 5154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peacelilies View Post
Doesn't sound good.
You guys don't seem to be on the same page regarding money and children. These are major stressors in a marriage. I second what the other poster said, end the engagement, at least until you are both on the same page.
They'll never be on the same page IMHO as she's selfish period.

The OP is her sucker/pawn in this "relationshyte".
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:30 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,320,068 times
Reputation: 43047
Ok, I'm going to say this is a disaster in the making. If you wanted kids, you wouldn't be throwing a hissy over how much they cost. It's pretty clear you're not looking to be a parent.

She appears to be pressuring you to move to her timeline, and you're not responding well (understandably so) - and things are getting screwy. None of this is a good sign.

I'm also freaked out that you said "I do love the woman, and I love her family." Who the EFF cares? I suppose it's great she has nice relatives and everyone gets along, but you're not marrying each other's relatives and living with them. You love her - that's great. But I know from firsthand experience that love is not enough - and I might add that me and my ex got along a darn sight better than the two of you, with fewer conflicting life goals and and better communication. It STILL wasn't enough.

Please do not get pushed into anything. Please be honest with her. And please for the love of all that's holy do not bring a child into this relationship until you both have reached some sort of rapprochement that doesn't fill either of you with dread or trepidation.
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