"Friends First"--Why It Usually Doesn't Work... (wife, guys, cheated)
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While I think the people here who claim to get hit on every day and have a gaggle of the opposite sex following them around are full of ****, I also think JJ's experience is atypical. What she speaks of is the opposite end of the spectrum: being told you're ugly, being ignored, being put down. That is NOT normal.
Most people inflate their own sense of self worth. It is highly unlikely that any women here has a bunch of men hot on their trail. Same goes for the men.
She didn't mention being called ugly in her post. I was responding to her saying it's been a couple of years since anyone's shown interest. That's fairly common for many women.
She didn't mention being called ugly in her post. I was responding to her saying it's been a couple of years since anyone's shown interest. That's fairly common for many women.
Ah ok. I was referring to the overall experience with guys she talks about being horrible to her.
Also, it's not common to go 2 years without anyone showing interest. It's more likely that the feeling isn't mutual or the woman just doesn't pick up on the signals.
It's really odd how you single out the guys when many women have said the friends first approach doesn't work well either.
Did any of the women really say that though? I have to go back and reread.
But anyway, what *I* said is that "friends first" CAN work, but it as to happen organically. You have to honestly meet the person under circumstances where dating is not on anyone's mind. Then you get to know them without pretense and maybe later on you date as circumstances change. I think it's a great way to start a relationship.
I just don't think you can reverse-engineer that situation, however. If you met under the pretense of one showing romantic interest in the other, that elephant is always in the room so trying to pretend that a person is not still putting their game face on around you is pointless. If that's the case just casually date until you decide how far you want to take it IMO, but don't act like they will drop their guard around you because you used the F word. LOL. To me that's just extended game-playing, plus it leaves too much room for either party to get tired of waiting around and move on.
1. I need to feel like there are actual feelings coming from her.
2. I need a reason that we need to be friends first.
3. If I am okay with this, I make sure she knows I am interested beyond friends.
4. If she would start dating someone else, ciyanara!
I think it can work, but you need the right people, and when it does work it can be quite magical.
Typically Asians are conservative and they don't have sex in very late stages and sometimes they wait till they get married. So friends first makes sense. You want to be sure and that is why the Asian divorces are the lowest compare to others.
I disagree, there's plenty of Asian (I presume you're referring to East-Asian) women willing to sleep with a guy pretty fast.
Everybody is different.
Last edited by SomeBodyUK; 09-25-2012 at 11:32 AM..
As an "older" female (I'm 40), friends first doesn't work for me, but it never did. I don't buy into that concept. Anyone I've dated, I've been attracted to from the start, whether appearance, personality, or both. To me, dating is the process of getting to know someone, becoming friends while developing a romantic relationship. I personally don't see the point of making male friends, and then waiting to see if something magically develops over time.
It's a non-issue for me as I'm engaged, however, as an "older" female, if I'm looking for a romantic relationship, I don't have years of my life to devote to make friends with men and hope it might turn into an attraction months/years down the road.
Sure, you have to be attracted to the guy but YOU still have to get to know him right or are you the kind who will jump into bed with fast and then get to know him?
Sure, you have to be attracted to the guy but YOU still have to get to know him right or are you the kind who will jump into bed with fast and then get to know him?
Huh? I just got through saying that dating IS the process of getting to know someone. Dating is a combination of a developing romantic relationship and a developing friendship, but friendship doesn't have to come first.
A lot of women bemoan the speed at which men try to move in relationships. Women often complain that it takes them time for them to develop an attraction to someone, that they don't want to feel rushed, that the best way is for a man and woman to become "friends first," then decide whether they like each other enough to become more intimate.
It makes sense, on an intuitive level. But it doesn't work.
What these women may not be considering is that any woman who is attractive--and by "attractive" I don't just mean pretty. I mean charming, warm, funny, or appealing in any way at all--is almost always being pursued by more than one man at a time. Men learn this very young. A man who takes his time really getting to know a woman, who tries to become "friends first," is likely to end up being knocked aside by another man who is more aggressive.
My point is, not every man who seems to want to hurry things along is just trying to get into your pants (though plenty are, I admit). Some of us just don't want to be left behind...
That's a fair point.
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