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When I was younger, it was easy. It seemed I could get a date whenever I wanted to and I typically did go on those dates. I wasn't picky, I didn't really know what I wanted but each date taught me what I did and did not want.
I also had some guys that were really interested in me, more than I picked up on until I broke it off with them. One particular break up the guy started crying and wailing. It scared the crap out of me and I took off to hide in a room down the hallway. (Like a dorm environment.) I really did not understand how to read guys back then. I had NO idea some of them were that in to me. I guess because at that time, I wasn't looking to be tied down, I was still exploring, trying to figure out who or what I really liked.
I then had a break up that hurt because I was lied to and I didn't even know what to do with that. I was so naive, I couldn't believe someone lied to me! (He already had a girlfriend and lied to me that he was single.) So I didn't have any interest in dating for a very long time. It was so bad, I would scowl at any guy who looked at me. Yah.
Time goes on, I've found that in the past decade, I've been the one doing the asking out. And every single time I do, I realize later just how very wrong I picked. The thing is, I'm not really that outgoing. I'm pretty reserved, shy, really, but once I feel comfortable around someone, my personality comes out and I think I'm a lot of fun, (not that kind of fun), and pretty easy going.
But I suck at picking anyone. I, apparently, also suck at noticing or reading people. I've been told by my friends that guys were looking at me and I never saw it. Or I would brush it off as they must have just happened to glance over and my friend saw that and turned it in to something more than the glance was. Not like the guys ever approached me.
Or I've had "friends" of guys come up to me and tell me that their friend wants to know me, he works at X company, (supposed to be impressive), but I get turned off by that because, really? You sent your friend to talk to me? Why can't YOU come talk to me?
I've also failed to understand when someone is asking me out on a date. I'm serious. I've apparently been asked out on dates before and didn't realize I was being asked out on a date. I'd talk to my friends later and mention, "Oh yah, so and so asked me to go here with him but I had to (whatever) so I didn't go." They want to smack me sometimes. "He was asking you on a date!" He was? Needless to say, the guy usually doesn't try again.
It's been awhile since I've gone out with anyone because, really, I suck at this. So, what are some signs that someone is actually interested in you. I don't mean, "they looked at you" but maybe things they say, or do or places they ask you to go.
And, where do you meet people anymore? I don't go to bars, I've done that when I was younger, I was a bartender, I'm pretty over it with bars. Besides, don't meet the best choices at bars. I won't date anyone from work...that's just not wise, I don't think. So where does someone go to meet anyone?
Grocery store? Most of the guys I see in stores are with their girlfriends or wives or have children in tow...so I'm thinking they aren't available and even if one was, what the hell would you say to them? "Nice lemons today, don't you think?" Isn't that kind of lame?
And what are some early signs that maybe the guy is NOT worth asking out at all since I apparently pick very badly?
I really don't have good social skills, I guess. I can read if someone is really bad, my instincts kick in big time with that but your general, "meh, not such a good guy" readings...I clearly miss at the start.
TL;DR
How do I meet guys? Where do I meet guys? What are some early warning signs even in a first meeting since I'm clueless to them? (Not a seriously bad person, I can tell you who those are, I mean just, "he's not really a good choice" kind of warning signs.) Should I keep trying or should I just give it up and become a nun?
I don't NEED anyone, but maybe it might be nice to go do things with someone once in awhile. I feel like I'm getting to the point of, "I'm happy being alone forever" but maybe I'm not really happy like that and I'm just trying to convince myself that I am.
im a guy, and although im taken and have no romantic interests in you we have now met in a very small capacity through this message board and your post
so, hi!
this is how you meet guys, you put yourself out there. you will never meet anyone unless you can first allow yourself to be open to others. the rest you need to learn for yourself as nobody should be your personal barometer for whats bad and good. that should be learned with experience and acceptance of what you know is right for you.
live, experience and learn. it is the only way we can know who we are and what we ultimately like. nobody can ever answer whats right for you, you have to know yourself for that one.
When I was younger, it was easy. It seemed I could get a date whenever I wanted to and I typically did go on those dates. I wasn't picky, I didn't really know what I wanted but each date taught me what I did and did not want.
I also had some guys that were really interested in me, more than I picked up on until I broke it off with them. One particular break up the guy started crying and wailing. It scared the crap out of me and I took off to hide in a room down the hallway. (Like a dorm environment.) I really did not understand how to read guys back then. I had NO idea some of them were that in to me. I guess because at that time, I wasn't looking to be tied down, I was still exploring, trying to figure out who or what I really liked.
I then had a break up that hurt because I was lied to and I didn't even know what to do with that. I was so naive, I couldn't believe someone lied to me! (He already had a girlfriend and lied to me that he was single.) So I didn't have any interest in dating for a very long time. It was so bad, I would scowl at any guy who looked at me. Yah.
Time goes on, I've found that in the past decade, I've been the one doing the asking out. And every single time I do, I realize later just how very wrong I picked. The thing is, I'm not really that outgoing. I'm pretty reserved, shy, really, but once I feel comfortable around someone, my personality comes out and I think I'm a lot of fun, (not that kind of fun), and pretty easy going.
But I suck at picking anyone. I, apparently, also suck at noticing or reading people. I've been told by my friends that guys were looking at me and I never saw it. Or I would brush it off as they must have just happened to glance over and my friend saw that and turned it in to something more than the glance was. Not like the guys ever approached me.
Or I've had "friends" of guys come up to me and tell me that their friend wants to know me, he works at X company, (supposed to be impressive), but I get turned off by that because, really? You sent your friend to talk to me? Why can't YOU come talk to me?
I've also failed to understand when someone is asking me out on a date. I'm serious. I've apparently been asked out on dates before and didn't realize I was being asked out on a date. I'd talk to my friends later and mention, "Oh yah, so and so asked me to go here with him but I had to (whatever) so I didn't go." They want to smack me sometimes. "He was asking you on a date!" He was? Needless to say, the guy usually doesn't try again.
It's been awhile since I've gone out with anyone because, really, I suck at this. So, what are some signs that someone is actually interested in you. I don't mean, "they looked at you" but maybe things they say, or do or places they ask you to go.
And, where do you meet people anymore? I don't go to bars, I've done that when I was younger, I was a bartender, I'm pretty over it with bars. Besides, don't meet the best choices at bars. I won't date anyone from work...that's just not wise, I don't think. So where does someone go to meet anyone?
Grocery store? Most of the guys I see in stores are with their girlfriends or wives or have children in tow...so I'm thinking they aren't available and even if one was, what the hell would you say to them? "Nice lemons today, don't you think?" Isn't that kind of lame?
And what are some early signs that maybe the guy is NOT worth asking out at all since I apparently pick very badly?
I really don't have good social skills, I guess. I can read if someone is really bad, my instincts kick in big time with that but your general, "meh, not such a good guy" readings...I clearly miss at the start.
TL;DR
How do I meet guys? Where do I meet guys? What are some early warning signs even in a first meeting since I'm clueless to them? (Not a seriously bad person, I can tell you who those are, I mean just, "he's not really a good choice" kind of warning signs.) Should I keep trying or should I just give it up and become a nun?
I don't NEED anyone, but maybe it might be nice to go do things with someone once in awhile. I feel like I'm getting to the point of, "I'm happy being alone forever" but maybe I'm not really happy like that and I'm just trying to convince myself that I am.
Touching on a few parts:
1st bolded: Good on you! That is rare. I have posted a few times that in almost 30 years of my single and unattached life I have never had a woman start a converstation with me AND ask me for my phone number and for a date.
2nd: Pay more attention? But, it appears to me you weren't interested in the first place.
You mentioned earlier that you used to go on on a lot of dates so you probably know.
3rd: Smile and say hello. If you are standing side by side ask a question or comment on a product. I've done this a few times with no luck. No one has ever started a conversation with me this way and I go to the store alone all the time.
4th and 5th: You don't know until you actually go out. Almost impossible to know otherwise unless the person is dressed very sloppy or has poor command of words when speaking.
6th: I feel exactly like you. It is much harder being a guy because for reasons that I do not understand we are the ones that always supposed to do the asking. Good for you that you are willing to ask a guy out for a date. I wish more women would.
I've met a lot of guys lately by going out and doing things that I enjoy doing. (regardless of whether I find dates)
Like yoga class, meditation gatherings, dance class, etc. Library, coffeeshop too.
Just go out and have fun. Be a happy person and people will be happy to interact with you and even initiate conversation.
Someone introduced himself to me in class because I seemed to be an open and happy person based on him observing my interaction with others.
Get happy and enjoy your life. Men will naturally be attracted towards you and you will get lots of dates and opportunities to meet eligible men who are on the same wavelength
To the person who "repped" me and said, "Nobody is going to sit and read all that", first of all, I gave a "TL;DR" for you but otherwise, thank you for your HELPFUL information. Really, telling me that answered everything!
You don't have to read it, move on if you can't stand to read a couple of paragraphs. If you have the attention span of a gnat, why bother to say anything at all? Others here have read it so, you were incorrect. By the way, next time, at least put your name to it.
It's a lot to read so I skipped to the summary...
Umm, it seems to me if you want someone to go out with once in a while, you should go out once in a while. Then you'll at least be with someone who doesn't mind going out to where you want to go out to.
Bad signs? Now, why wouldn't I tell you something that'll lead you to me? Why wouldn't anyone? What would you tell you if you were asking you for advice?
I'd say, if she's way too interested, without showing some hesitation, then I'm freaked out a bit because that's a horrible sign.
When I was younger, it was easy. It seemed I could get a date whenever I wanted to and I typically did go on those dates. I wasn't picky, I didn't really know what I wanted but each date taught me what I did and did not want.
I also had some guys that were really interested in me, more than I picked up on until I broke it off with them. One particular break up the guy started crying and wailing. It scared the crap out of me and I took off to hide in a room down the hallway. (Like a dorm environment.) I really did not understand how to read guys back then. I had NO idea some of them were that in to me. I guess because at that time, I wasn't looking to be tied down, I was still exploring, trying to figure out who or what I really liked.
I then had a break up that hurt because I was lied to and I didn't even know what to do with that. I was so naive, I couldn't believe someone lied to me! (He already had a girlfriend and lied to me that he was single.) So I didn't have any interest in dating for a very long time. It was so bad, I would scowl at any guy who looked at me. Yah.
Time goes on, I've found that in the past decade, I've been the one doing the asking out. And every single time I do, I realize later just how very wrong I picked. The thing is, I'm not really that outgoing. I'm pretty reserved, shy, really, but once I feel comfortable around someone, my personality comes out and I think I'm a lot of fun, (not that kind of fun), and pretty easy going.
But I suck at picking anyone. I, apparently, also suck at noticing or reading people. I've been told by my friends that guys were looking at me and I never saw it. Or I would brush it off as they must have just happened to glance over and my friend saw that and turned it in to something more than the glance was. Not like the guys ever approached me.
Or I've had "friends" of guys come up to me and tell me that their friend wants to know me, he works at X company, (supposed to be impressive), but I get turned off by that because, really? You sent your friend to talk to me? Why can't YOU come talk to me?
I've also failed to understand when someone is asking me out on a date. I'm serious. I've apparently been asked out on dates before and didn't realize I was being asked out on a date. I'd talk to my friends later and mention, "Oh yah, so and so asked me to go here with him but I had to (whatever) so I didn't go." They want to smack me sometimes. "He was asking you on a date!" He was? Needless to say, the guy usually doesn't try again.
It's been awhile since I've gone out with anyone because, really, I suck at this. So, what are some signs that someone is actually interested in you. I don't mean, "they looked at you" but maybe things they say, or do or places they ask you to go.
And, where do you meet people anymore? I don't go to bars, I've done that when I was younger, I was a bartender, I'm pretty over it with bars. Besides, don't meet the best choices at bars. I won't date anyone from work...that's just not wise, I don't think. So where does someone go to meet anyone?
Grocery store? Most of the guys I see in stores are with their girlfriends or wives or have children in tow...so I'm thinking they aren't available and even if one was, what the hell would you say to them? "Nice lemons today, don't you think?" Isn't that kind of lame?
And what are some early signs that maybe the guy is NOT worth asking out at all since I apparently pick very badly?
I really don't have good social skills, I guess. I can read if someone is really bad, my instincts kick in big time with that but your general, "meh, not such a good guy" readings...I clearly miss at the start.
TL;DR
How do I meet guys? Where do I meet guys? What are some early warning signs even in a first meeting since I'm clueless to them? (Not a seriously bad person, I can tell you who those are, I mean just, "he's not really a good choice" kind of warning signs.) Should I keep trying or should I just give it up and become a nun?
I don't NEED anyone, but maybe it might be nice to go do things with someone once in awhile. I feel like I'm getting to the point of, "I'm happy being alone forever" but maybe I'm not really happy like that and I'm just trying to convince myself that I am.
Keep yourself happy, anyway.
Go out and do things that you are interested in. Meetup.com is great for finding people/groups/meetings based on your interests and hobbies.
Meet more people in general - and you may run into some lucky guys who will want to go out with you.
Oh, come on, people! It's not like she's the only one to ever have a lengthy OP. At least she wrote it well and divided it into paragraphs, rather than posting a wall of text. And she raised some good points, imo. This is a relationships board, for crying out loud. Sometimes long intros are necessary. Or are these objections symptoms of the text-message culture--nothing longer than one or two lines aloowed? *sheesh*
Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow
Or I've had "friends" of guys come up to me and tell me that their friend wants to know me, he works at X company, (supposed to be impressive), but I get turned off by that because, really? You sent your friend to talk to me? Why can't YOU come talk to me?
Grocery store? Most of the guys I see in stores are with their girlfriends or wives or have children in tow...so I'm thinking they aren't available and even if one was, what the hell would you say to them? "Nice lemons today, don't you think?" Isn't that kind of lame?
As to the first point above, this is the concept of the "wingman"; the friend who approaches a woman on behalf of a guy who's too shy to do the approaching. Yes, it's lame, but sometimes it really works out. The shy guys at least don't tend to be the abuser/user/manipulative types. They can turn out to be great guys. So next time, give it a shot and see what happens. It can't be worse than your current batting average.
Yes, grocery store, bookstore, music shop ("Hey, do you know where the ______ CD's are?" or "Oh, you like jazz? What would you recommend?") Find the singles' coffeeshop/teahouse and hang out there, just chat casually with people. One woman here said a guy approached her in the dairy section of the grocery to ask about the best yogurt, and they hit it off. Another way is to strike up a casual convo with the person in front of you in line. Even if you're not interested in that person, it will give you some practice with social skills. Make chatting and being neighborly a habit with people you come across during your day; young, old, male, female. That skill will transfer to chatting up the opposite sex when the occasion arises.
Join meet-up groups per your interest, volunteer for enviro or polit. action orgs, whatever. Join the local weekend hiking club. Take a class. Doing political canvassing for the upcoming election can be a way to meet people; you're going door to door, you never know when someone interesting might answer. Not to mention those other cute volunteers you'd be canvassing with... If you pick activities that bring you into regular contact with the same people over and over, it gives you a chance to get to know them over time, and visa versa, which takes the pressure off of just addressing a stranger directly, a "cold approach". It allows others to get to know you, observe your qualities, and friendships can happen spontaneously.
Practice makes perfect. Just practice talking to people. Pick something about them to base an opener on (at the bookstore: "Oh, that looks like a good book! I love (that author, genre, topic, whatever)". If someone doesn't respond, or is curt, just move on, don't take it personally.
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