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Old 10-09-2012, 11:07 AM
 
3 posts, read 3,901 times
Reputation: 10

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Hey all, I am new to the forum. I'm just trying to get a more objective point of view of my current situation so I can try to make sense of it.

I am 21, and my ex is 20. We dated from when we were 16 up until we were 18 roughly. Obviously, she was my first love and I was her first love. We were extremely close to each others families and had mutual friends. We broke up because of her “fear” of being in a relationship from such a young age, and possibly missing out on opportunities that only come around when were young. We didn’t fight too often, and when we did it was about stupid high school things that we would laugh about now. I guess I understood what she meant, but I didn’t feel the same way.

So after “breaking up” we did the miserable “on again, off again” routine. You know, basically dating, but not making it official. Phone calls, hanging out, being intimate. This lasted for about 4 months, and then we officially got back together. It lasted about 5 months or so.

During the last 5 months that we were officially together, I was a freshman in college and she was still a senior in high school. I was accepted into the main campus, but I decided to stay at the local campus that year because I felt that if I left, it would have been done for good.

Well that summer, we had broken up again. This time, we didn’t communicate as much and I was moving away to the main campus in the fall (my sophomore year of college). She was actually going to the same college (independent decisions I might add). Obviously I was upset because I was looking forward to being able to take our relationship to a new environment. As you can imagine the first quarter or so was kind of rough not understanding where our relationship stood. We didn’t talk all the time, it was actually pretty sparingly. However, after 3-4 months went by, we started talking a lot more, hanging out more, and of course that led to being intimate. So this continued for the rest of the school year. As always, it never ended in certainty and things fizzled because we weren’t sure of what we really wanted.

The following year (last year) my junior year of college things started to change. She had a boyfriend and I was pursuing other women. I was pretty happy with how things were, and for the first time I finally felt as if I was being freed from the situation. I was in a short relationship for a few months, but nothing serious and I’ve had crushes and what not. Granted, I haven’t been in another serious relationship, but I’ve experienced different types of women and situations. The thing that has always struck me as odd is that she will still contact me every now and then about problems, “just because” kind of things, to see how I’m doing, to wish me luck, etc. Things that you would think she would be talking to her boyfriend about. Also, she would talk about things that I didn’t tell her myself, so she obviously did some investigating of her own. Anyway this all leads up to the current situation.

She is currently dating her third boyfriend since we last broke up, and it’s been the longest relationship so far. This year I haven’t had any strong feelings for her, nor do I contact her initially. However, she still texts me from time to time and although they aren’t long conversations she again tells me/asks for advice on her and her boyfriends problems, always finds out about events in my life and comments on them. She even contacted me to ask why I unfollowed her on Twitter (which I didn’t think she’d notice or care). It’s like she just sticks around, so I don’t forget. Which is unfair to me because I don’t know what to do.

Here lately, within the past few weeks I have been constantly thinking about her. She knows how I feel, but I can’t really come out with a serious attempt of trying to get her back because of her relationship. Although I don’t like it, I have to respect that. I also don’t even know if telling her would be a good move or not. Looking over the past 2-3 years I guess my feelings for her have never really diminished, I just accepted that it wasn’t the right time or was out of my control for a while so I did what you’re supposed to do. Move on. But here I find myself again in the same situation. It really is incredible how when we talk we don’t miss a beat, and I just feel like I fall in love all over again every time I talk to her. I haven’t sat around and did nothing waiting for her to come back because that wouldn’t be a good idea, but in the back of my mind I have never really ruled it out. Not only because of my feelings, but her actions make me feel that they are more than just being friendly. Yes, they have to be because of the circumstances, but I feel at heart it is not her purpose.

I guess I have no idea what to do. Am I just convincing myself that she still loves me? Or does it seem like there might be some hope? We always seem to find each other, and I jus’t can’t understand why she keeps contacting me if it doesn’t have some deeper meaning.
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Old 10-09-2012, 11:13 AM
 
864 posts, read 1,447,061 times
Reputation: 1142
Why don't you tell HER all of this? Just ask her! You might be pleasantly surprised. Then again, you might be disappointed. Either way though, you'll have your answer, and you can get on with your life.

If she doesn't see you as relationship material, you really should cut all contact with her though...it doesn't sound like you can be "friends", without it turning into an on-again off-again type thing. Good luck!
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Old 10-09-2012, 12:01 PM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 19,869,426 times
Reputation: 11706
Ah, a great example of over analysyis. I know from experience.

NoDoubt is right. You need to talk to her about it.

The thing is, she has no idea how you feel, and you have no idea how she feels. You are hiding your feelings, and guessing about hers. She may, or may not be doing the same thing. Who would know?

That said, she has been dating other guys, and comes to you for advice about them. Sounds like your in a friend zone to me.

If you have feelings for her, and cannot let them go, you may just need a clean break. You may need to tell her you are unable to just be friends, if that is what she wants. Of course, you would have to talk to her and see how she feels to know if she wants to just be friends or not too.

Ask her out to lunch, or coffee. Tell her how you feel. No matter how it turns out, you at least will know how she feels and can proceed from there. Right now, your in a holding pattern, not just with her, but with your own life, as you ruminate about her.
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Old 10-09-2012, 12:14 PM
 
1,304 posts, read 2,565,304 times
Reputation: 1838
She does know how you feel. Stop responding to her texts and ignore her. No contact is the best solution.
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Old 10-09-2012, 12:48 PM
 
Location: Texas
5,004 posts, read 7,839,587 times
Reputation: 5695
Jesus, you two deserve each other! You for not having a spine and accepting things are over and her for stringing you along, reaching out to you while she is seeing other people.
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Old 10-09-2012, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,360 posts, read 8,355,056 times
Reputation: 8595
Quote:
We broke up because of her “fear” of being in a relationship from such a young age, and possibly missing out on opportunities that only come around when were young.
Don't let society dictate your life. I have been with my husband since we were both 16, never had anyone before or since. 30 years later, we're still together and generally very happy. Very young people who dump a lover because they fear "missed opportunities" have to consider that the one they dumped truly might be "the one."

In any case, you need to tell her everything you shared here and take it from there. Communicate with her, it's the best way. However, I will say this: the fact you constantly broke up and then reunited isn't a good sign. Usually, people meant to be together from a young age, stay together and don't break up over trifling matters.
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,302,796 times
Reputation: 40194
Quote:
Originally Posted by ds242508 View Post
Hey all, I am new to the forum. I'm just trying to get a more objective point of view of my current situation so I can try to make sense of it.

I am 21, and my ex is 20. We dated from when we were 16 up until we were 18 roughly. Obviously, she was my first love and I was her first love. We were extremely close to each others families and had mutual friends. We broke up because of her “fear” of being in a relationship from such a young age, and possibly missing out on opportunities that only come around when were young. We didn’t fight too often, and when we did it was about stupid high school things that we would laugh about now. I guess I understood what she meant, but I didn’t feel the same way.

So after “breaking up” we did the miserable “on again, off again” routine. You know, basically dating, but not making it official. Phone calls, hanging out, being intimate. This lasted for about 4 months, and then we officially got back together. It lasted about 5 months or so.

During the last 5 months that we were officially together, I was a freshman in college and she was still a senior in high school. I was accepted into the main campus, but I decided to stay at the local campus that year because I felt that if I left, it would have been done for good.

Well that summer, we had broken up again. This time, we didn’t communicate as much and I was moving away to the main campus in the fall (my sophomore year of college). She was actually going to the same college (independent decisions I might add). Obviously I was upset because I was looking forward to being able to take our relationship to a new environment. As you can imagine the first quarter or so was kind of rough not understanding where our relationship stood. We didn’t talk all the time, it was actually pretty sparingly. However, after 3-4 months went by, we started talking a lot more, hanging out more, and of course that led to being intimate. So this continued for the rest of the school year. As always, it never ended in certainty and things fizzled because we weren’t sure of what we really wanted.

The following year (last year) my junior year of college things started to change. She had a boyfriend and I was pursuing other women. I was pretty happy with how things were, and for the first time I finally felt as if I was being freed from the situation. I was in a short relationship for a few months, but nothing serious and I’ve had crushes and what not. Granted, I haven’t been in another serious relationship, but I’ve experienced different types of women and situations. The thing that has always struck me as odd is that she will still contact me every now and then about problems, “just because” kind of things, to see how I’m doing, to wish me luck, etc. Things that you would think she would be talking to her boyfriend about. Also, she would talk about things that I didn’t tell her myself, so she obviously did some investigating of her own. Anyway this all leads up to the current situation.

She is currently dating her third boyfriend since we last broke up, and it’s been the longest relationship so far. This year I haven’t had any strong feelings for her, nor do I contact her initially. However, she still texts me from time to time and although they aren’t long conversations she again tells me/asks for advice on her and her boyfriends problems, always finds out about events in my life and comments on them. She even contacted me to ask why I unfollowed her on Twitter (which I didn’t think she’d notice or care). It’s like she just sticks around, so I don’t forget. Which is unfair to me because I don’t know what to do.

Here lately, within the past few weeks I have been constantly thinking about her. She knows how I feel, but I can’t really come out with a serious attempt of trying to get her back because of her relationship. Although I don’t like it, I have to respect that. I also don’t even know if telling her would be a good move or not. Looking over the past 2-3 years I guess my feelings for her have never really diminished, I just accepted that it wasn’t the right time or was out of my control for a while so I did what you’re supposed to do. Move on. But here I find myself again in the same situation. It really is incredible how when we talk we don’t miss a beat, and I just feel like I fall in love all over again every time I talk to her. I haven’t sat around and did nothing waiting for her to come back because that wouldn’t be a good idea, but in the back of my mind I have never really ruled it out. Not only because of my feelings, but her actions make me feel that they are more than just being friendly. Yes, they have to be because of the circumstances, but I feel at heart it is not her purpose.

I guess I have no idea what to do. Am I just convincing myself that she still loves me? Or does it seem like there might be some hope? We always seem to find each other, and I jus’t can’t understand why she keeps contacting me if it doesn’t have some deeper meaning.
I am going to send you a direct message shortly....
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Central California
1,782 posts, read 2,216,455 times
Reputation: 1686
There's a good chance she knows already. Talk to her about it if it makes you feel better, but I would set my expectations pretty low.

If and when that doesn't work, I think you should cut off contact with her for a while (a few months would be good). It sounds like you're really fiending over her. You need time to get over it and move on (like she apparently has).
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:11 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,552,039 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by ds242508 View Post
It’s like she just sticks around, so I don’t forget. Which is unfair to me because I don’t know what to do.
She goes back to you because it's easy and comfortable and reliable.

Yes, you are being naive. Stop being her fallback guy.
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:19 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,126 posts, read 10,068,603 times
Reputation: 11796
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
She goes back to you because it's easy and comfortable and reliable.

Yes, you are being naive. Stop being her fallback guy.
I agree with this. It sounds like somehow you've ended up in the friend zone. It sounds like the decision to not be together has always been hers, and the fact that she has a boyfriend now means she's probably not interested in you romantically, but you're safe and comfortable, and she wants you there waiting in the wings for a self esteem boost now and then or if she should change her mind about you guys getting back together.

First loves are hard to get over and they are even harder to get over when you remain in contact with that person. IMO the only way to really get over someone is to never see them or speak to them. You will never find someone else while you're in this holding pattern with her. I'd sit down for an honest discussion with her...I think she deserves an explanation other than you just stop replying to her, but I'd let her know that you don't want to be friends anymore. Then delete her number, unfriend her on FB, and move on with your life.
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