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I'm not going to judge you for staying up to now. What good does it do. You can't change what's been. But you can certainly change what's yet to come. I think you've given him more than enough chances / time to apologize, seek therapy, be a man. But he hasn't and most likely never will. Respect yourself - leave him
First, please know that you're not ugly. You're a mother and a loving person who has dealt with years of emotional abuse. You're a beautiful person with a beautiful soul.
Please find resources locally for your sake- and your son. Work with professionals to make a plan to get out of this abusive situation. And remember that he's the ugly person for doing this to another human being.
She chose to stay with him all these years & have a child so there must be 'something' good about him & we haven't heard his side of story. A lot of 'victim' mentality people edit out the good in the other person & highlight only the negative. What if he is willing to work on the issues by going to anger management or couples counseling? Doesn't marriage mean for better or for worse? If both are willing to work together on their issues like mature adults then the relationship can be saved. Divorce is the easiest way out but confronting your demons & fixing whats broken takes lot of work. A lot of families have bounced back from worse times with help of some much needed counseling & understanding. He has not been physically violent, or cheated or abused any substance -- in her own words. WHat if his negative behavior can be modified by a good therapist??
Please. This guy is a monster. Too say to someone you just married for no apparent reason "your ugly" when he knows she has esteem issues?? He's a bully. And please enough of the "till death". Divorce is never easy. Don't be so quick to judge. I waited 10 years to get divorced. It was a grueling tough decision. But I left , put 2 children through college and found peace and balance. He is still a lost soul. Sad but I couldn't own his dysfunction any longer. And trust me. My wonderful happy educated children thank me
You've been with him for 10 years and I guarantee you he didn't just do a jack-in-the-box and pop up showing a whole new side via this recent arguement. You likely saw this 10 years ago, but you still married him. Yes of course you should leave him (not that I think you will though).
BTW, I did see a therapist once last year when the abuse got so bad and I was thinking suicide. It wasn't helpful other than I just needed to tell someone. I needed a job so I could plan my move and finding one was very hard. One day when his yelling and name calling got too much, I prayed and begged Him up there for help. I finally got a job offer a few weeks after that. Husband has been in anger mgmt before when the cops were called on him because he threatened to kill me when I was about 7mths pregnant. Like always, I took him back in less than a week. He said he would change, he was nice to me for awhile until I "forgot" about the abuse. Our son was born and I see the same ugly him as a father as well. I guess my problem is I keep staying for those happier times even though they do not make up for the bad times.
I can't turn to friends or family because they will tell me to work it out when I already know the answer. I guess I'm just praying everything will be ok once I do leave him. Again, I'm very scared.
It appears that your emotional scars run very deep and you have not known true unconditional love. If a man that was your "father" walked out on you at first sight it had more to do with his thought of your genetic make up than your looks. Many babies are not pretty when they are born due to that long road down the birth canal, so your future looks weren't evident (pretty v. not pretty) for him to walk out on you. My guess would be that, true or not, he saw that you weren't biologically his and wanted nothing to do with you and (maybe just in his mind) your "cheating" mother.
For your whole family to back up this ridiculous story just adds to the fact that they aren't capable of rational thinking and/or true love. Even if I thought my kids looked like Cher's son on "Mask" I would never tell him that because my job is to elevate my child, not tear him down. I have been through similar situations, but never from my family. Throughout my childhood I was always talked about and called ugly for some reason, but I never told my parents, I just soaked it in. For years I believed my neck was too long, my lips were too thin, nose too narrow, I was too skinny, I had small breasts, big feet...you name it! Even though I still never see myself as beautiful today, I just don't care what other people think about how I look. If you like the look, thanks...if you don't, keep it moving and stop looking is my motto. My thinking would be much different if I had the positive comments I get now in my past. Now people often compliment my high cheekbones, beautiful eyes, long stature, nice shape and I have heard that I should have been and should still try to be a mode (too which I think I am too old and big by model standards, but this is how others perceive mel. To those people I say thank you and move on, because honestly those past cuts dug deep over a long period of time with no one to counter the negative and reinforce the positive. You can't erase the past, but you can change how you let your past affect you. As young and impressionable children we were scrutinized, criticized and made to feel inadequate for that which we had no control.
The most important thing for you to do now is eliminate that which will ultimately do the same thing to your child. Your hubs calling you selfish for what you will do to your son via divorce is a guilt tactic. If he was so concerned with his son's well being he would never degrade his son's mother placing that kind of emotional turmoil on the woman that has to provide care to his son. He would never put his son in a situation that would allow him to see or hear how his dad degrades the other half of his DNA, which also makes the son think he is somehow less than adequate. I don't know why he married you but it was not out of genuine love. So he says he does not cheat, drink, whatever...how can you take the word of a man who calls his WIFE and the mother of his child a ***** or *****. With the things he does, if he is not cheating (which I doubt) he may as well be.
He will continue to berate you and demean you to keep your self esteem low as a way of controlling and keeping you. He is no prize. Understand that you WILL find someone else that will treat you the way you should be treated. This man is not worth your time or energy, he is not worth your tears, he is not worth your heart. Please believe me.
A husband's place is the head of his family and as that head he is supposed to lift them up, not tear them down. When he loves his wife he compliments her, cares for her and she doesn't have to wonder why he is there. Wife does not mean slave, baby maker (by the way...don't have sex with him and if you do use double protection because he may try to get you pregnant again to pressure you into staying) and it definitely does not mean property. He has had 10 years to get it right and the emotional scars that he continues to reopen will never heal as long as he is around. For the sake of your son, for the sake of your sanity and for the sake of your life...get out of that relationship altogether.
I pray that God will grant you the strength, the help, and the desire to love yourself and your son above those that cause you pain and bring you down. I pray that peace will finally be upon you and your little one.
Oh...and be sure to seek some counseling, therapy or whatever professional help you need to get you to understand that though we live in a superficial society...your looks do NOT determine your value. You price yourself and make sure you accept no less than what you want from a mate from now on. I would venture to guess that you are not nearly as "ugly" as you see yourself, but even if you are finding love is not impossible. There are people that I have seen, even since being here that I have really wondered "they must have one hell of a personality!" because they are happily walking with their mates. There is someone for everyone, but you have to be the one to fix you. Even in healthy relationships low self esteem can be enough to ruin it, and you want to make sure your issues don't hinder you from seeing the true value in the next person to come along...
The first thing you need to do is go to your county court house and get a restraining order on him. That way if he comes near you or the baby he will be arrested. I almost think it would be better for you to go to a battered womens center than stay in your home and kick him out. If you stay he will know right where you are. At the shelter he won't likely. Get away from him. He is NOT going to change, no way, and he has proven that to you more than once. It is going to be a lot more traumatic for your son to be around his abusive father than for you to leave and later divorce.
Well, be scared, but be scared of HIM, not of a future without him.
When you finally leave you will wish you had done it years earlier. You will absolutely blossom and thrive, trust me on this. You will be just fine, in fact better than fine. You will be free and happy.
You must also be careful when leaving him, I would make sure he didn't know where you are, doesn't follow you home from work etc. They are at their most dangerous just after you leave. You need to get in contact with some womens groups and find out how best to leave him in a smart way. You will probably find there is a lot of help and advice out there.
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Get out NOW!!!
With the things he does, if he is not cheating (which I doubt) he may as well be.
