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Old 10-17-2012, 09:45 PM
 
12,535 posts, read 15,173,486 times
Reputation: 29088

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JamiRenae View Post
I find that telling me to grow up a bit offensive. and I am sorry that my OP came off that way to you. Obviously, I am grown enough to care and parent a 4 year old, be able to have a clean house and clean clothes everyday, have a healthy supper cooked at the same time everyday, plus help with homework with an ADHD child. Who simply forgets everything you just said right after you say it. But, I keep my patience with it, and do my best with him. I must be doing something right given the notes that his teachers send to me from school. I don't know many 19 year olds that had held the same job for 4 years and was the only one out of 9 other grown adults in their 40's that showed up on time and came to work everyday.

1. I am not at all materialistic. It was just an example of how sweet he has been to me. I wasn't going to list every good quality he has in him. and I do think gifts and roses are very nice of a person to do for someone.

2. Yes, I knew it was to soon to move in after only 2 months. That was bad on my part. But, I have learned from it.

3. I hope he will get over it. I hope he is able to forget about me. Last thing I would ever want is for him to be hurt.

4. I believe I do have my act together. It's like you think of me as some little girl just wanting to party. But, it's not the case. and I'm the mooch? You forget that he is the one living in a rent free home with a free babysitter. It's not like I get anything out of it.

I don't want to be thought of as immature. I strongly disagree with that. I just made a mistake, but it doesn't make me less grown up. The important thing is that I learn from it. and will be able to become a successful person in my career.
The bottom line is a lot of 19-year-olds know better than to do what you did. I did. My nieces and nephews did/do. You can be offended all you want, but the fact is that your mistake came from immaturity. And you're still not getting it when it comes to confusing being given gifts with being loved, because you were too blind-sided by the material side of the relationship and focused on that to the detriment of your own well-being and clear vision.

However, that you realize at least some of your mistakes is a good thing, and I do hope you learn from them. The proof will be in what you do going forward.

Oh, and not for nothing, but if your parents recommended that he move into their house with you, I can see how you didn't know which end was up. That was entirely irresponsible on their part. No way, no how, would I ever tell my 19-year-old daughter to invite a 29-year-old man to live in my house when she only knew him for a couple of months and he had a kid. They don't know what kind of man he is any more than you do. For all they know, he could be some kind of con man out to rob all of you blind. In fact, I think a 29-year-old with a child who dallies with 19-year-olds has a screw loose and if I were your father, I'd have had a little chat with him about not making his problems my daughter's and strongly suggest that he needs to be with someone more like himself in age and experience.
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Old 10-18-2012, 12:51 AM
 
Location: Australia
4,001 posts, read 6,260,123 times
Reputation: 6855
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamiRenae View Post
Well, obviously, I didn't enter the relationship only to break it off 8 months later. It was never my intentions. and I feel so much guilt for doing it. I don't plan on another relationship for awhile. They don't seem to do any good for me right now. Focusing on making myself happy, and my education for now.

You sound like a smart girl.

When you get to my age (old as dirt) everyone is very worried about "baggage".

This guy has BAGGAGE...and some hand luggage too.

He's far too old for you also. I'd say he is using you.

You say he's generous with money and gifts but I can assure you, if he had to pay rent, utilities and child care, it would cost him many, many times what he is giving you, and he knows it.

Let him find some other woman who wants to be a mum and is more age appropriate...he will, probably embarrassingly quickly.

You've made a very wise choice today. Good for you.

For everyone who's telling you to "grow up" - you are only 19, barely an adult. I think you have shown a lot of maturity, responsibility and intelligence for a 19 year old. The only thing that went through my head at 19 was partying.

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Old 10-18-2012, 12:55 AM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,216,996 times
Reputation: 73924
T.S.
It's not your kid.
You have a lot of soul-searching and growing up to do before getting into another relationship. Take your time.

And now you see how rash, immature decisions that are not well-thought out can hurt a lot of people.
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:58 AM
 
Location: NC
6,032 posts, read 9,189,893 times
Reputation: 6378
Hi, but being good to someone is not showering them with gifts and money! Time is also quite important and it sounds like you simply aren't getting enough of it.

It is unreasonable to expect a 19 year old like yourself to drop her life and be his child's mother after such a short time. You shouldn't have thrown yourself headlong into this situation for these very difficult reasons. Hopefully it is a lesson you can take from the relationship.

Communicate with him open and honestly about how you are feeling. He also needs to learn how to better bring a woman into his life when he has a child so that he doesn't cause emotional harm to him.
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:00 AM
 
37,494 posts, read 45,798,776 times
Reputation: 56996
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamiRenae View Post
My parents are actually the ones that recommended the living together. They work out of state and are gone 6-7 months at a time so we live at their house so they know the house and pets are taken care of. They are in love with the kid and consider him a grandchild. I have always been very mature for my age and they thought it was a great idea for me to live with him. My only friends are 45+ and they love both boyfriend and son.
My boyfriend is 29. and he may have very well tricked me into this. He's very good at it if he did. Although, it was my choice to quit my job. And at the time he was only working 8hrs. If I knew he would start working 15+ I wouldn't have done it.
I have a hard time believing that parents would support such a stupid move. The guy is 29, and you are 19...and your parents suggested this??

Get out. Call the parents, tell them it was a huge mistake, say goodbye to the kid. It's only a few short months...he'll forget about you within a year. Best for him and you both.
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:02 AM
 
37,494 posts, read 45,798,776 times
Reputation: 56996
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
Oh, and not for nothing, but if your parents recommended that he move into their house with you, I can see how you didn't know which end was up. That was entirely irresponsible on their part. No way, no how, would I ever tell my 19-year-old daughter to invite a 29-year-old man to live in my house when she only knew him for a couple of months and he had a kid. They don't know what kind of man he is any more than you do. For all they know, he could be some kind of con man out to rob all of you blind. In fact, I think a 29-year-old with a child who dallies with 19-year-olds has a screw loose and if I were your father, I'd have had a little chat with him about not making his problems my daughter's and strongly suggest that he needs to be with someone more like himself in age and experience.
Exactly.
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:47 AM
 
17 posts, read 17,915 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
Exactly.

My parents have always trusted me 100%. Of course, I went through my phase of drinking and partying when I was around 14 & 15. I was always friends with that "bad" group of people. I got out of that quick and snapped out of it. Since then I have tried my hardest to make wise decisions about my life and the people I chose to interact with. And when I came into this relationship I was infatuated with what I thought was love. Yes, I did enjoy the gifts and the money. In my OP, I had mentioned that I had recently got out of a 3 year relationship. I was always doing special things for my ex, spending money on him, was always there for him at emotional times, I helped him in finding his birth parents. I did all I could for him and he never appreciated it. He would never get a job or even go to school. My parents hated him and never could find it on them to accept him no matter how bad they wanted to for me because all he was doing was using me. So, my parents and I both felt I should go for someone that was older and responsible, and close to my maturity level. And when I met this guy, the affection he shown to me was something I had never experienced from a boyfriend and I took it all in. I was home-schooled, and graduated 3 years earlier than kids my age would have so I have never really had friends my age, and I have tried to go around my age group. But, it seems that all they want to do is toilet paper houses, ride bicycles through Walmart and just make fools of themselves. That just isn't me at all.
I realize I have been immature with my relationships. But, I don't think it makes me such a bad person that you are all making me out to be. I didn't plan on this at all. I never meant for it all to happen. I have made many mistakes, everyone does, and I am sure that it will not be last. With this mistake I have gained experience from it, I can take this with me for when I have children of my own and a family to care for.
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:58 AM
 
Location: Chicago
3,890 posts, read 6,803,407 times
Reputation: 5449
If it makes you feel any better, my mother dated a guy who was much much younger than her when I was growing up. I was about 6 or 7 when they split up and apparently I was crushed for a few months or so. This is all hear say from what my mother has told me, but I remember none of it. So as others mentioned, I highly doubt the kid will remember you once they grow older.

As for your situation. You have been a little bit immature and naive. Now is the time to grow up and get out. You aren't ready to get in such a deep relationship since you are still very young. Live life a little before you commit to something so big.
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:02 AM
 
Location: Bronx, New York
2,134 posts, read 3,037,055 times
Reputation: 3209
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder View Post
Don't be so quick to blame it all on the man. I realize she is a woman and only 19 years old, but that is no excuse for being stupid. Don't you think just maybe she had a say in moving in with this guy? Don't you think she knows even a little bit about human nature and was also looking for a roll in the hay? I agree some of the fault is the man's, he should have known he was getting involved with someone who was just lonely and looking for a place to land...
Hmmm ok. Sorry but I do hold him more accountable because he is almost 30 and a parent. A parent has a duty to be even more responsible than a childless person the same age. It's his duty to make sure the child has a stable home and to not allow just any woman he has started recently dating to play mommy.

I didn't mention this but for real if a 19 year old male came in here and wrote that his 29 year old gf moved in with him and left him with her kid all day...folks would be calling her everything but a child of God. They would be on their high horses about the recklessness and stupidity of single moms...etc.

I was generous for not calling him the idiot that he is.

He needs to arrange for child care...get a place of his own and stop letting women he's know for 2 months step parent his kid.

In any case no matter who you want to be mad with the relationship needs to end. Period. That girl owes him and his kid nothing.

Last edited by Jasper03; 10-18-2012 at 08:43 AM..
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:16 AM
 
17 posts, read 17,915 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
The bottom line is a lot of 19-year-olds know better than to do what you did. I did. My nieces and nephews did/do. You can be offended all you want, but the fact is that your mistake came from immaturity. And you're still not getting it when it comes to confusing being given gifts with being loved, because you were too blind-sided by the material side of the relationship and focused on that to the detriment of your own well-being and clear vision.

However, that you realize at least some of your mistakes is a good thing, and I do hope you learn from them. The proof will be in what you do going forward.

Oh, and not for nothing, but if your parents recommended that he move into their house with you, I can see how you didn't know which end was up. That was entirely irresponsible on their part. No way, no how, would I ever tell my 19-year-old daughter to invite a 29-year-old man to live in my house when she only knew him for a couple of months and he had a kid. They don't know what kind of man he is any more than you do. For all they know, he could be some kind of con man out to rob all of you blind. In fact, I think a 29-year-old with a child who dallies with 19-year-olds has a screw loose and if I were your father, I'd have had a little chat with him about not making his problems my daughter's and strongly suggest that he needs to be with someone more like himself in age and experience.

I can see how the mistake did come from immaturity. But, it wasn't just gifts and money that was given at the time, it was more than that. He showed me attention, care, and romance. My family and the people around me were constantly telling me not to let him go because he knew how to treat a woman. So, here are all these women who are older and far more experienced in the area than I am, telling me to go for it. I listened to it thinking I was making the right decision, and it felt like I was. My 91 yr old Grandmother who I respect most in this world was telling me she loved him and he was a "sure keeper". Coming from her, someone that does not like anyone made me feel that it was okay.
My parents and family may have made a mistake, but I do not at all think they are bad parents. When I was 15 I started working and I had bought and paid for my own car by the time I turned 16. My family is pretty wealthy, and I could have asked them for the car, but I didn't. You will rarely see me ask my family for money, even when it is offered I will say no. Unless, I badly need it for an emergency is the only time I will ask, and it's hard for me to even do that. I do pay for my own insurance & credit card. I sale Avon & a weight loss product to pay for these things and extra spending money. When I met him it wasn't just all about that that was attractive to me. I am far from that kind of person. Yes, I did enjoy all the gifts that was given. I liked it quite a bit. But, if it was only that that I was looking for, I'd go for someone with much more money than what he has. I do not at all want to be mistaken for that type.
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