Being Naieve and Kind can Bring a lot of Trouble (dating, boyfriend)
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Strange, and I don't know why, but a situation that occured, 12 years ago, came to mind this morning.
I thought about how I was raised, my foster mother was severely naive and kind. And when I say that, I'm not trying to be mean...she didn't work, and didn't know what the real world was like out there. She created her own world around her family, neighbors and friends. She was a wonderful woman, don't get me wrong, I loved her dearly, but unfortunately, her complete lack of education, when it came to the world, really hindered me in my growth. And it's ok, we all have to learn lessons in life....and it is also because of her, that I am where I am today, thank God...so, it is not so bad. But here is a Senario...
I was dating a man, years ago, who was less then honest....believe me, and when I found out he was dating other women, behind my back, I broke up with him. I started dating another man...and we had a marvelous summer together....however, my old boyfriend, started calling me, and calling me, and calling me. Even calling me at work, it was nuts...he thought I still had feelings for him, he deluded himself in the fact that all his girlfriends still cared about him. I didn't and wanted him out of my life, but didn't know how to stop it. So, the only thing I could think of to do was to meet with him and try and explain to him that I do not want to see him again. BAD, Move. I met him in a park, (a public place) for I feared by meeting him at my home or his, would give him the wrong idea.
no matter what I said, he wouldn't listen to me. He viewed my wanting to meet him as me still having feelings for him, and I didn't. Not in the least. But I didn't not want to hurt him either. I was hugely naieve and didn't want to hurt his feelings...so when I got there, I tried way to hard to be kind.
Well, he viewed my actions as I wanted to go back to him and honestly, refused to hear anything I said? He even told me, he was dating someone but would break it off to have me back???? I kept saying, no, no, no....and it was all a lost cause. But can you imagine, he was dating someone and kept calling me and left demanding messages that I had to call him back???? He even followed me to work?
I asked him to please not call me anymore, and the moment I got home, the phone was ringing and of course it was him. Sheeesh.... So, finally, I gathered all the strength I had and told him on the phone, that I didn't like him, didn't like the way he acted, and didn't want to see him or hear from him ever again....he kept saying, "yes you do, and laughing", so I finally got mean....
and warned him if he didn't stop contacting me and calling me, I'd call the police. Which I eventually had to do, but trying NOT to hurt his feelings, got me in more trouble. He just kept refusing to hear "NO".
It's been 12 years now, and I have no desire to date anyone...I enjoy being alone...making my own decissions, going where I wish to go, being my own boss, and not having to answer to anyone. But the thought recently occured to me, how we need to be honest, no matter how difficult it is, b/c by trying to be kind and sparing the feelings of someone, doesn't do any good for anyone. I'm not saying we need to be nasty, but being honest, no matter how hard it hurts is something I should have been instead of worrying so much about his feelings and hurting him. I don't know why, but I really feared hurting people back then...and I look back and wonder, why I even dated him? Well, I know why, but that is another thread...LOL
So my point is, I know rejection is a difficult thing, but if you no longer want to see someone, you need to be honest and tell them like it is...if you try to spare feelings, you only end up hurting the other person more, including yourself.
This post is the truth... This was a really good post. I'm sorry that you went through all this. I'm glad that you are doing well. You know the saying, "it is better to be alone than in bad company."
I enjoyed your post OP, but am not exactly sure what your foster mothers level of education or her being naive has to do with the scenario you describe. It isnt what got you in trouble with your stalking ex boyfriend. Its womans nature that did it. See, being indirect is a feminine trait that most women display throughout their lives, from writing notes in school to coming up with lies in order not to hurt a man who is persuing them, when they are adults. There is a reason why many women would act exactly the way you did, and it has nithing to do with their upbringing. There is a reason why guys who approach, are sometimes given wrong phone numbers or told that a woman is married or has a boyfriend, when in fact she is single and looking. its womans nature, and we should not only understand it but also appreciate it.
The way women act has a lot to do with upbringing. Being evasive and indecisive stems from women being raised to be nice. Little girls are raised to think that hurting someone's feelings is wrong and the worst thing a girl can do is to not be nice. When you grow up...it's hard to make a decision because you want to make everyone happy. The path of least resistance...whatever makes you happy becomes a mantra. It's not inate and can be unlearned.
I enjoyed your post OP, but am not exactly sure what your foster mothers level of education or her being naive has to do with the scenario you describe. It isnt what got you in trouble with your stalking ex boyfriend. Its womans nature that did it. See, being indirect is a feminine trait that most women display throughout their lives, from writing notes in school to coming up with lies in order not to hurt a man who is persuing them, when they are adults. There is a reason why many women would act exactly the way you did, and it has nithing to do with their upbringing. There is a reason why guys who approach, are sometimes given wrong phone numbers or told that a woman is married or has a boyfriend, when in fact she is single and looking. its womans nature, and we should not only understand it but also appreciate it.
Hmmmmm, I didn't think of it that way...it is just that I so was like my foster mom, however, I was out in the world, and when people did things that were cruel or mean...I took it so hard, b/c I honestly didn't think people were like that? Small town, raised very sheltered....LOL
The way women act has a lot to do with upbringing. Being evasive and indecisive stems from women being raised to be nice. Little girls are raised to think that hurting someone's feelings is wrong and the worst thing a girl can do is to not be nice. When you grow up...it's hard to make a decision because you want to make everyone happy. The path of least resistance...whatever makes you happy becomes a mantra. It's not inate and can be unlearned.
you are absolutely right and that is how I was....I hated hurting people...
and yes, it surely can be learned, and has been.....thank you
This post is the truth... This was a really good post. I'm sorry that you went through all this. I'm glad that you are doing well. You know the saying, "it is better to be alone than in bad company."
ya got that right.... thanks
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I kept saying, no, no, no....and it was all a lost cause. But can you imagine, he was dating someone and kept calling me and left demanding messages that I had to call him back???? 
He even followed me to work? 
thanks
