U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-18-2012, 04:32 AM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
1,025 posts, read 1,218,073 times
Reputation: 1301

Advertisements

If so many people are struggling to find someone, then why are so many people struggling to find someone?

I have my own theory but I'll post it after a few responses
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-18-2012, 04:35 AM
 
35,107 posts, read 42,871,944 times
Reputation: 62211
Good question and I've often wondered that myself. Different goals, different planets, different ideals, looking for perfection, looking for instant physical gratification, finding someone only to discover they are not looking for long term, and the list goes on.

**off topic, what do you drive? I'm a Tanker Yanker's wife**
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2012, 04:37 AM
 
Location: Texas
44,268 posts, read 55,555,952 times
Reputation: 73365
Yeah. I have two friends who are kinda fugly and boring (though they do share many similar interests) so I wonder why they don't hook up (both of them were horrified by the idea), and then I remember that just because we think people should be attracted to each other or seem to fit together, that's not exactly how love works.

Interestingly, if they were 'arrange married' (pardon the expression), I bet these two would have a good shot at a successful marriage (same background, same interests, same values, same family dynamics, etc).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2012, 05:01 AM
 
Location: Raleigh NC
1,346 posts, read 2,781,797 times
Reputation: 2321
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
looking for perfection, **
This.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2012, 05:03 AM
 
Location: Texas
44,268 posts, read 55,555,952 times
Reputation: 73365
Nothing wrong with looking for perfection if you can offer it back.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2012, 05:07 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
10,213 posts, read 20,980,578 times
Reputation: 13424
My theory is that people get stuck in the same old circle of friends and can't see beyond it. People in my town always say this is a horrible place to date, yet we have a metro population of nearly 200k. I started going to large public events that were filled with people my age, looked around, and realized I knew fewer than 1% of them.

The problem is finding appropriate singles and connecting. Or being willing to connect.

Internet dating seems as skeevy as ever. It reeks of players and desperation. Yeah, it works for some people, but yuck.

I think the age old advice of branching out socially, joining charitable and professional organizations, and learning better interpersonal skills is a good route. But this requires genuine time and effort. For a lot of people, it ain't gonna happen 'cause it requires leaving your house, TV and the Internet behind.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2012, 05:17 AM
 
29,154 posts, read 35,565,299 times
Reputation: 38488
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
Internet dating seems as skeevy as ever. It reeks of players and desperation. Yeah, it works for some people, but yuck.

I think the age old advice of branching out socially, joining charitable and professional organizations, and learning better interpersonal skills is a good route. But this requires genuine time and effort. For a lot of people, it ain't gonna happen 'cause it requires leaving your house, TV and the Internet behind.
This never fails to amaze me that there are people that think like this. I was out with a group of girlfriends from work a few months ago (8 of us) and every single one of us, except for one, was in a serious relationship or marriage with a man that they had met via a dating site. The 8th one is now dating someone that she met online, as well.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2012, 05:21 AM
 
29,154 posts, read 35,565,299 times
Reputation: 38488
Quote:
Originally Posted by supertrucker212 View Post
If so many people are struggling to find someone, then why are so many people struggling to find someone?

I have my own theory but I'll post it after a few responses
This person states it well:

Why is dating so hard? | Nancy's Counseling Corner

It is said you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince or princess. In the American culture today, if instant gratification is not attainable, everything is disposable. We must ask ourselves, is anything worthwhile ever easy? Dating, and the process of selecting a mate, requires people to step outside of their comfort zones and allow someone else to get to know them; but first, they must know (and like) themselves. Both of these tasks require courage, motivation, and a desire to make the effort. Many people are not willing to do that much work. Our culture, especially if you’re familiar with Hollywood, has taught us that it should not be so hard. Unfortunately, if you’re not prepared to get out there and make the effort, the chances of finding someone are close to zero.

Frequently, people try to be someone they’re not in order to convince potential mates to like them. Eventually this will backfire, because the “real you” will come out. In other cases, expectations may be too high. If you believe that because you got a date you’re on your way to marriage, you may be setting your hopes too high. Learning to allow your own personality to do the talking is vital. Relax, it’s just a date. It’s easy to forget that the point is to have a good time and enjoy the company.

Even when we employ all the recommendations and follow all the rules, for some reason we just don’t seem to meet the right person. If dating was easy we would meet our perfect person within days of beginning to look. This would lead us to wonder, later, about what we might have missed.

Many people have a sense of entitlement, in which they will not “settle” for someone less than they believe they deserve. Unfortunately, there are no perfect people. Remember, this applies to ourselves as well as the people we date. The older we get, the more selective we become. Often this is because we have been hurt, deceived or had other experiences that have left us jaded; our negative experiences have outweighed our positive experiences in dating. Being “picky” is a hard-earned, well-deserved trait. We may have learned not to trust or let ourselves be vulnerable because of things that have happened in the past, yet we shouldn’t let our past control us or we become the victims of our own insecurities. Cautious optimism is a good way to start.

Pickiness is not, necessarily, a bad trait. It may be that we have learned what we’re looking for, and what we will not accept, in a mate and we now have the confidence to demand it. In addition, there may be children (and exes) added to the mix. Parents can’t afford to play the field because it isn’t just their lives, or hearts, at stake. Regardless, keep in mind that without risk there is no reward.

Some people treat dating as a sideline that they try to fit in between work, friends and hobbies. Relationships require an openness that many people just don’t seem to possess. Dating can be fun; it doesn’t have to be hard. If you’re confident with who you are and with what you believe in, listen and laugh with your date, and spend time getting to know each other, things may work out and it may require little additional effort.

In dating we have to risk getting our hearts and egos bruised repeatedly. We have to be willing to spend time primping so we look good on a first date; then we discover within the first 5 minutes that the person is not “the one.” But if we want to find our ideal match and not allow the duds to cause us to swear off dating permanently, we have to keep going on dates.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2012, 05:33 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
10,213 posts, read 20,980,578 times
Reputation: 13424
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
This never fails to amaze me that there are people that think like this. I was out with a group of girlfriends from work a few months ago (8 of us) and every single one of us, except for one, was in a serious relationship or marriage with a man that they had met via a dating site. The 8th one is now dating someone that she met online, as well.
I'm glad to know it works. Personally, I didn't like the results.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2012, 05:40 AM
 
29,154 posts, read 35,565,299 times
Reputation: 38488
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
I'm glad to know it works. Personally, I didn't like the results.
It does take patience, a thick skin, and some common sense. If you can manage those three things, you'll most likely get positive results.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top